The 7th Circle of Hale: Thankskilling

ann hale gives thanks…with blood…

Coming off of 31 straight days of horror, ending in Halloween, I have found myself in the holiday spirit. Of course, before Christmas must come Thanksgiving and I plan on stuffing my face until I explode like that dude in Big Trouble in Little China (but with less cabbage flying around).

Now, what is a holiday without a little horror? You may be thinking that all horror movies are meant for Halloween but you’re wrong. Those horror geniuses out there have made a horror film for every holiday and I plan on sharing them with you. So, as I said previously, before Christmas must come Thanksgiving and so today I present to you Thankskilling.

Let’s just start from the beginning. The very first thing you see is the giant nipple on the huge boob of one unattractive pilgrim who is running for her life from what you assume is probably a Native American as we are told this takes place after the very first Thanksgiving. What you find is a stupid plastic looking hand puppet turkey with a hatchet. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

The acting is awful. I mean AWFUL. If possible, it’s worse than the script itself. The characters are all typical with the hot jock, the nerd, the supposed-to- be-funny fat redneck, the stupid hot chick and the bitchy “hot” smart girl. I put the last hot in quotes because she is supposed to be hot but apparently they had a hard time finding anyone above the caliber of Sarah Jessica Parker. Of course they are all hanging out, which I call shenanigans on. Not to mention that they seem to be the last kids on the college campus for Thanksgiving break.

The turkey is reawakened when a dog pees on a mini totem pole and then on the turkey itself. Then the jocks jeep breaks down when it looks perfectly fine and instead of calling someone on the cellphones that we already know they have, they decide to camp out in the woods with the camping gear they conveniently have in the jeep that they are all smashed into with no extra room even possible for such gear. Where they stored a cooler, sleeping bags and tents in small jeep with five people crammed into it, I’ll never know.

Conveniently the jeep starts up just fine the next morning. The turkey hitchhikes and is picked up by a guy that wants to have sex with it, who he kills and then steals the car because somehow the turkey can reach the gas pedal. Then there is seriously a part where the turkey kills a dude while he is screwing the stupid chick from behind and then takes over without her even knowing…with an extra small gravy flavored condom. Again, couldn’t make this up if I tried. He even cuts off a guy’s face and manages to pull of being him despite the fact that he is a foot and a half tall versus the obvious 6 foot something the guy was.

I can’t even keep going on this. It is all too ridiculous to explain. If you have ever seen Troll 2, then you should understand how horrible and yet, amazingly entertaining this movie is. I don’t even think I would be angry if I had paid to watch this. It’s that awfully awesome. I fought the urge to turn it off but once I realized it was a giant joke, I fell in love. I think I just found myself a new Thanksgiving tradition and, after watching, I think you might just have one too.

Just a giant nerd in love with horror, 80's action flicks, Star Wars and Harry Potter. Hit me up on Twitter or Instagram @scarletjupiter to talk horror or just to browse the horror collection.

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