michael dworkis recaps the rumble…
If you watched the Rumble. You saw what happened.
If you read online live recaps, you read what happened.
Unless you live in a goddamn cave and have no access to humanity whatsoever… You know what happened.
Antonio Cesaro retained the United States Championship against The Miz
It was a decent match, but not solid. It was one of those “couldn’t put my finger on it” moments, but something felt off with this match. I expected Cesaro and Miz to really flow well together, but it came across very lopsided and uncoordinated. Cesaro finished off The Miz with the Neutralizer.
Team Hell No retained the WWE Tag Team Championships against The Rhodes Scholars
Good match. Short, but still a good match. Kane and Bryan worked very well together and I was quite surprised that The Rhodes Scholars did not finally capture the titles. I initially expected to see Rhodes and Sandow to part ways, but a backstage segment teasing some friction between Kane and Bryan gave me some pause on that one. Something about showing each other their privates and Bryan feeling inadequate. Yuck.
Alberto del Rio retained the World Heavyweight Championship against The Big Show
It was a good match. To be honest though, their bout on SmackDown where Del Rio actually won the belt was probably better. Not taking anything away from this match, it was very good and very intense. There were a number of convincing moments where I thought the World Title was going back over the shoulder of Big Show. Best part of the match, where Big Show chokeslammed Del Rio through a table, but they were standing on part of a hanging structure at the entranceway. Damn freaking awesome move. The end was a bit reminiscent of Eddie Guerrero, where the duo of Ricardo and Alberto pulled a “lie, cheat, and steal” to retain the title. How did they accomplish this? By taping the ankles of the World’s Largest Athlete around the bottom rope with duct tape, preventing him from getting up. Pretty funny stuff. Poor Big Show. Loser.
The Royal Rumble Match
Yep, this was another year where the match, the big one… Was NOT the final match of the show. This ruined a lot of my predictions, but I am not bitter since the Royal Rumble match itself was pretty damn awesome. Do not talk to me about the end, because I am not going there. Not yet anyway. A lot of surprises this year, many of them very well received by the WWE Universe. Chris Jericho drawing the number two spot, which also means that Mr. Money in the Bank chose the number one draw. We got Goldust, The Godfather, and the return of Rey Obseterio… Sorry, Mysterio. Seriously, did you look at the guy? Looks like a tub of taco from where I was sitting. Godfather was a bit of a waste, being eliminated in all of two seconds. Kofi Kingston used JBL’s announce chair to stay alive in the Rumble after landing on the back of A-Train, Kane was eliminated by Bryan, but then caught Bryan when he was thrown from the ring, and instead of saving his co-champion partner, wound up dropping him on the arena floor. The NXT entrant, Bo Dallas pulled a big upset, eliminating Wade Barrett from the match, but wound up eating a helping of Bull Hammer from the Bare-Knuckle Brawler afterwards. There were a few, what I call wasted spots. For example, Santino, 3MB, The Great Khali, and even Zack Ryder, all people who did not last long enough to have any effect on the match at all, the worst offender being Santino who came in at number five, and was first man gone, in about ten seconds. Loser. Hopes and dreams were crushed when at 29, Sin Cara came out, leaving Ryback as the 30 spot. No Undertaker, no Brock Lesnar, and no Barry Horowitz. Sin Cara also goes in the “wasted spot” since he did nothing but get eaten by the Hungry Hippo, Ryback.
Now, we get to the dreaded conclusion of the match. Ryback, Sheamus, Cena, and Ziggler. Once again, hopes crushed as Ziggler was launched from the ring. Sheamus then got dumped by Ryback… Leaving the Meat Making Machine and John Cena. I cringed, I cried, as I watched Cena awkwardly eject the more dominant Ryback from the ring, and win his second Royal Rumble match. The vulgarities flew free, the fists pounded the table, and once again, the dreaded uber-baby-face won.
Winner of the Royal Rumble: John Cena (entrant #19)
WWE Championship Match: CM Punk vs. The Rock
I really do not know what to say. 434. That my friends, is the final number of days for the WWE Championship reign of CM Punk. The match is what everyone expected. Punk DOMINATED. Okay? He owned about 90% of the damn match. Rock hit his punchy-punchy-kicky-kicky spots, and I thought he turned into Orton. Punk is a real wrestling god. He treated the WWE Championship with respect, and halfway through the match, the crowd realized it too. Punk was a true champion. Rock was there for his time in the spotlight again, and Punk walked into that ring like a champion boxer for a title fight.
This sounds more like a eulogy for Punk and his title reign. Anyway, the important things to note during the match, when Rock had Punk down, the lights went out and we all know The Shield took out Rock and did their three-man Powerbomb through the announce table. Punk did the whole, “no one saw anything” bit, but after Punk pinned The Rock to retain, it was not his music that played, but the music of Vince McMahon. Moments away from stripping Punk of the title, The Rock interrupted and wanted the match restarted. Vince complied, and we got a spinebuster followed by the People’s Elbow, and the referee making the three count on the mat.
Winner by Vince McMahon and His Wallet: The Rock
Not much to say, but there is not much to be said. The Rumble Match itself was pretty well done, even though the result was not to my liking. The Rock-Punk match could have been better, but still was not believable. It was as if The Rock pulled a Cena. Punk beat down on Rock from the opening bell, and then when the match restarted, Punk beat him down again. Two magical moves from The Brahma Bull and it was over.
Time once again, to look forward to WrestleMania. There is just one stop along the way, and that is the Elimination Chamber. Ziggler, still the MITB holder. Rock, the WWE Champion. Alberto del Rio, still World Champion. JBL, now must recover from yet another beer-induced stupor. Tomorrow night will see if Chris Jericho is back full-time, if Rey Mysterio will go on a diet, and whether I have the stomach to flip to USA at 8pm tomorrow.
No, seriously. I think I ate some bad fish.