7th Circle of Hale: The Bloodiest Valentines

ann hale looks at two bloody tales of love…

7thcircleofhale

Most people don’t know that Valentine’s Day is actually based on Saint Valentine, a priest who provided forbidden Christian weddings to the soldiers of Emperor Claudius II in 270 A.D. Claudius felt that single men made better soldiers. When he discovered what was happening, Claudius had Valentine put to death on February 14, 270 A.D.

my bloody valentine

Here you thought Valentine’s Day was all about flowers and candy when, in fact, it is shrouded in blood. Chances are, based on the time period, Valentine was beheaded. Knowing this, it doesn’t seem so strange to watch horror movies on Valentine’s Day. To celebrate his death, or your love if you so choose, I have two Valentine’s Day themed horror films for your viewing pleasure.

My Bloody Valentine (1981) starts out with one of the gayest shower scenes ever. Picture the opening to Carrie but with coal dust covered men scrubbing themselves while sharing showers. After their homoerotic cleansing, the miners head into town to attend the Valentine’s Day dance, the town’s first V-Day celebration in 20 years. Those 20 years ago, during the Valentine’s Day dance, there was an explosion in the mines trapping seven men inside. When they finally were able to dig to the men six weeks later, only Harry Warden remained. He was insane and had survived by eating the other men. He was institutionalized but ended up murdering a group of men and putting their hearts into boxes with a note telling the town to never hold the Valentine’s Day dance ever again. Now the mayor has received the same type of box with a human heart inside. The town did not heed his warning and now they must pay.

valentine

The remake in 2009 is available in 3-D and, in my opinion, is a better movie. Jensen Ackles has absolutely no emotions except blank face and anger but Jaime King and Kerr Smith are decent. Plus, there are 3-D boobs for all of you not seeing any real ones this Valentine’s Day.

Valentine begins with a nerd, Jeremy, at a middle school dance getting turned down for a dance by all of the “hot” girls. When he approaches the fat girl sitting alone on the bleachers, she accepts and ends up making out with him under the bleachers. When the popular kids catch them, she denies being a willing partner and Jeremy is subsequently attacked.

Fast forward to adulthood when the girls, who are now women, are receiving threatening valentines before being attacked and killed by a man in a Cupid mask. Killing these women seems to get the guy off in such a weird way that blood pours from his nose. It in increasingly obvious that Jeremy is behind the murders and the “twist” is quite predictable however, the movie is still fun to watch. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the cast of Grey’s Anatomy watch this movie every night just to watch Katherine Heigl get hers. As a bonus, there is a young Denise Richards when she was still hot and David Boreanaz before his head got so massive.

This Valentine’s Day, don’t lose your heart…watch someone else lose theirs.

Just a giant nerd in love with horror, 80's action flicks, Star Wars and Harry Potter. Hit me up on Twitter or Instagram @scarletjupiter to talk horror or just to browse the horror collection.