TV Recap: True Blood, Season Premiere

marla pachter sinks her teeth into the season premiere of the HBO series …

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I don’t know if you guys remember this, but last season of True Blood was a complete and utter disastrous, confusing shit storm. Like, honestly. What is even going on right now? Bill died (maybe?) and became Lilith the Vampire God Reincarnate. They bombed all the True Blood factories so vamps are killing humans like it’s their job. Angry Black Lesbian and Bitchy Lipstick Lesbian started doing the nasty. Incompetent Sheriff had like 300 babies with a fairy. Sookie’s True Soulmate (I’m calling Alcide that. Deal with it.) who didn’t even want to be part of a pack became a packmaster — which is not someone who is really good at packing and you can hire to help you move, but rather the leader of a pack of werewolves (common mistake).

Twenty minutes into the episode and all they did was basically recap all this stuff for us – with of course the coveted question, “Who the eff is Warlow?” Except I don’t really care who the eff Warlow is, to be honest. Really all this needed was a “Previously On…” and they could have skipped 20 minutes of exposition. But I guess the writers of True Blood felt differently. Oh yeah, and in the first minute Sam’s Shifter girlfriend died, leaving him to take care of her werewolf baby. Welcome to Season 6, kiddos.

Finally, finally some things happened. Jason hitchhiked with some creepy old dude who is either a vampire or the relative of some vampires we know. Slight intrigue. And Bill cleaned himself up and put on some clothes. Sookie then promptly stabbed him real good, so we’ve confirmed he is in fact invincible now. Cool beans. And it turns out he also has special powers, which we are supposed to be very interested in. I wasn’t. Were you?

Jessica decided to stay with Bill because he’s her daddy, even after he summoned her, which almost literally ripped her heart out of her chest. Bitch, you crazy! I don’t care if that man made you, you get the eff away from the crazy invincible Vampire God Incarnate with a myriad of new scary magical powers. You know better than that, you pretty little thing, you.

Meanwhile, Sookie’s True Soulmate, was slutting it up with a bunch of werewolf sluts. Being packmaster kind of made him a huge jerk. I guess it’s okay for right now, because Sookie and Eric shared some sentimental moments. Eric’s Sister even observed that he’s in love with her. Well thanks, we didn’t know that already. More EXPOSITION. Why doesn’t this show believe in “Previously On…”s? The first episode of Dexter always has like 30 minutes of recap before the show actually starts, and yeah, it’s a bit much, but at least they don’t try to masquerade it as new material.

P.S. Violent werewolf threesomes are uncomfortable.

There’s a new political dude in town who is trying to protect the citizens of Louisiana by instating a curfew and shutting down all vampire-run business. Which means people piss off Bitchy Lipstick Lesbian by telling her to shut down Fangtasia. Basically, Bitchy Lipstick Lesbian got bitchy and Angry Black Lesbian got angry. Surprise! Then they cared about each other. It’s an awkward plotline, guys.

So we go back to Jason who… oh yeah, has been hallucinating his dead parents. Totes forgot about that. Maybe I would have remembered if there was a “Previously On” (I hope you read that with as much anger as I poured into writing that sentence). And… turns out that creepy old dude is none other than WARLOW. Why didn’t I see that coming?? I’m an idiot! That’s why.

So then Incompetent Sheriff’s fairy babies turned into like 7-year-olds. I guess fairies grow up fast? And finally, Bill got like possessed by the spirit of Lilith or something. To be honest, my screen started skipping so it was hard to tell, but I feet like it’s not that important because I’m pretty sure he already was possessed by Lilith? Yeah, I do not know what’s happening.

That’s pretty much it. Nothing really happened. I’m just as confused as I was last season. I’m really looking forward to taking this journey with you guys. It’s gonna be an interesting one.

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all photos credited to hbo…

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