Suck It Up: True Blood (S6, Ep.3) ‘Hide & Seek’

marla pachter has a bloody awful time …

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Well, as always, we’re just jumping right into the action and things are feeling a teeeeency bit rapey. Which is interesting, because its Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) who is feeling potentially rapey, and I think we’re supposed to think Eric is a sweetheart now? But it’s all good cause he didn’t rape her. He just … stole her. “Her” is the governor’s daughter, whose name I have now heard three times and cannot for the life of me figure out what exactly I’m hearing. So I’m going to call her Wilmer Valderrama because it sounded a lot like that.

Yadda yadda, Bill (Stephen Moyer) talked more about how all the vampires are going to burn. We reestablished that Sookie (Anna Paquin) is a Fairy Princess. This season is super repetitive. Do you guys even really want to hear about this stuff, or would you rather hear about what I did with my day? My day was pretty special, I worked on a cute GIF post called “Why Summer is the Best Time To Fall in Love.” I also violated my nondisclosure contract today. Just now. When I told you about that post I was working on. Fun!

Then Wilmer Valderrama (remember, this is the governor’s daughter and not a sexy Hispanic actor who briefly dated Mandy Moore in the early 2000s) conveniently told Eric everything about these camps they take vampires to, to experiment on them. Naturally, they then cut to Steve Newlin (Michael McMillian) being taken to these camps she speaks of. I … cannot even comment on how bad the story telling is this season. I feel a little bit like watching True Blood might be turning me into an insane person? What do you guys think? Do I sound like an insane person?

Remember when things were a little rapey at the beginning? Of course you do, because it was like a paragraph ago because nothing interesting has happened. Well, turns out Wilmer Valderrama is totally into it. But Eric isn’t. He like totally loves Sookie or something.

And all the fairies died, guys. All of them. Except that hot one that Sookie saved last week. Cause he never made it to the Fairy haven. Told you he’d be back! 30 Points to Hufflepuff. (True life: I’m a Hufflepuff).

Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) was sent to seduce the creator of True Blood (the drink, not the show. Woah. That would be SO meta.). Jess could pretty much seduce anyone, male or female, so that literally took 3 seconds. Then Bill visited Sookie, who threw a plate at him and screamed, “You’re not God, Bill. You’re just an asshole!” I want it to say this on my grave. So loved ones, please take note.

The Wolf Formerly Known as Sookie’s True Soulmate (Joe Manganiello) lost control of his pack, and they hurt the activists. Which were characters I was obviously really invested in, so that was upsetting. It did create a sufficient decoy for Sam (Sam Trammell) to get his dead girlfriend’s daughter back. I don’t feel invested in this story line. I miss Sam being an actual character and not just a three second action shot. Actually … I miss that about almost all of the characters.

Ohmigod, you guys. I’m basically an idiot. Her name is WILLOW. Why was that so hard to hear before? It’s too late, I mean she’s Wilmer Valderrama forever now. I hope you understand.

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Now that I’m at the end of the episode, and basically nothing happened, I decided to really think about what the plot of this season is. This is what I came up with: Warlow (Rutger Hauer) wants to kill Sookie because she’s a Fairy Princess. The governor of a tiny town in Louisiana has developed crazy super weapons to genocide the vampires of the world. I … yeah. I think that might be it. There’s other stuff going on, but none of it feels remotely important, it’s more like they’re scrambling to keep including minor characters but don’t know how to make them part of the main course anymore. Which is sad, because they have all been really rich characters in the past.

On top of being all over the place and largely confusing, this season is just choppy and bland. Nobody has a personality anymore, things just happen and they do something about it, and then it’s done happening and the next thing happens. It’s just boring, really. It might be hard to tell from these reviews, but I actually did used to love this show. Hopefully it’ll find it’s way back a little, but it’s really not looking good. I really hope this is the last season.

I do have one question. If Sookie never once had a boyfriend before Bill came to town, how come she practically jumps on every new man to come to Bon Ton?

All photos credit John P. Johnson/HBO