Suck It Up: True Blood, ‘At Last’

marla pachter is wicked pissed …

suckitheader

Okay, so full disclosure. This is going to be a short recap. More stuff than this happened, but I deemed almost none of it important or interesting. There wasn’t even that much to make fun of. It was just … blah. With that in mind, here’s the general gist of this episode:

So remember Hot New Fairy Guy? Turns out he’s actually Hot New Vampire Fairy. That’s right, that’s a thing. Jason was dying so he fed him some of his crazy-healing vamp blood. I bet Jason’s gonna have lots of sex dreams about Hot New Vampire Fairy tonighhhhht. And Sookie, too. Not cause Sookie was fed any blood, but lets face it, she is literally looking at him like he’s a piece of meat to be devoured. She’s practically licking her lips. Sookie’s kind of a slut, guys.

Recipe for Disaster:

Ingredients:

4 Fairy Teenagers (who are technically only a few days old)
1 Vampire God who is desperate to save his race
1 Sexy Vampire who looks of appropriate age to hang our with a bunch of fairy teenagers

Shove in a car, and wait for plot to develop further.

While that’s in the oven, let’s check in on what we’ve all been waiting for (okay, what at least I’ve definitely been waiting for). Jason had a sex dream about Hot New Vampire Fairy. And it was everything I could have ever hoped for. They shaved each others’ beards. They licked blood off of each others’ faces. Man, it was buckwild.

I guess I had the wrong recipe for disaster, because once again, nothing really happened. Bill just stole an itty bitty sample of blood in a super lame way to give to the creator of True Blood (the drink, not the TV show) so he could try to synthesize the fairy blood so all the vampires can drink it and walk in the light and not die. Turns out it’s hard to synthesize fairy blood … because that wasn’t obvious.

Sookie, despite being a slut, is a pretty smart lady, so she figured out that Hot New Vampire Fairy is a vampire. She invited him over to her house for dinner. And she bought … a jar of liquid silver to put in his food. Is that a real thing? Or is that just like a vampire world thing that they made up for this show? Seriously, I want to know. Somebody tell me. Either way, it did not work.

Now I know everyone is curious what’s happened with Eric and Wilmer Valderrama. Eric turned her into a vampire to get back at her father. Then she went to show her father that vampires were once humans and try to get him to ease up on killing them. This severely backfired.

Oh, I had the correct recipe for disaster, I just checked on it too soon! Jessica lost control and DRAINED ALL FOUR FAIRY TEENAGERS. Dang. That escalated quickly.

And then Sookie almost had sex with Hot New Vampire Fairy, but instead she threatened to kill him. The end.

I wish there were more Jason/Vampire Fairy sex dreams. Maybe there will be a new one in the next episode! Maybe next time they’ll paint each others’ nails. Man, that would be H-O-T hot. A girl can dream, you know?

photo credit: hbo

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