Suck It Up! True Blood, ‘Don’t You Feel Me?’

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Jeez, we’re only on episode 6? I feel like it’s been forever. This show might be the death of me. Here is my brief recap which I hope is more interesting (and readable!) than this episode script.

So we learned something pretty important last week: Hot New Vampire Fairy is… actually Warlow. And he’s in love with Sookie (everyone is in love with this bitch, seriously)… like since before she was born. Warlow killed Sookie’s parents because they were going to kill her. He saved her life. He’s been waiting for her his entire life. Since 35 B.C.! Good thing he’s so hot, otherwise this would be creepy, am I right?!

A lot of people were naked in this episode. Too many people. Minor characters did minor things. Vampire Holocaust continued. Jason infiltrated the anti-vampire Nazis.

The Packmaster Formerly Known As Sookie’s True Soulmate has become such a dick. Like, I can’t even imagine what could possibly make any writers take a loveable character and turn him into a ruthless, completely unlikeable villain with no personality. And his hunt after Sam is not even interesting. Also… he’s not attractive anymore? Is that even possible? I mean, you’ve seen Magic Mike, right? Maybe it’s just because I’m just not attracted to assholes.

Terry died. It was sad. I used to cared about him. You, too? Not anymore though, right? He was getting so whiney!

Dang. Did Bill just behead Hitler?! He did. It was super gross. But it doesn’t really matter because his widespread vampire infection is already set in motion. It’s actually a pretty good plan. Vamps could really die out from this. I’m sure Bill will find a way to stop it, because this show is clearly on the side of the vampires. Both sides are terrible, actually, which I think is the problem. I pretty much hate all of the vampires and all of the humans. And the ones I don’t hate I don’t see nearly enough of.

Sookie and Warlow fed off of each other. Then they had sex. It was grosser than the beheading. Anna Paquin’s poor husband probably had to watch her shoot that scene. Awkward.

Tune in next week as I slowly pull each individual hair out of my head in frustration. Hopefully, with more quips!