TV Recap: E! Total Divas

Michael Dworkis, with thoughts from his wife Evi Dworkis, looks at the new WWE-based show on E!

Michael Dworkis: I can’t believe we watched this…

Evi Dworkis: I said I was sorry, you know I have thing for shows like this.

Michael: What types of shows are those?

Evi: Train wrecks.

This was the short discussion my wife and I had after watching the absolute debacle that was E! Total Divas. This so-called reality show portrays a behind-the-scenes look at five current WWE Divas, and new newcomers to the roster. We have The Bellas, The Funkadactyls, and Natalya as the veterans, on the other side we have Eva Marie and Jo-Jo. The Bellas go right to their heel attitude, acting like they are top poodles for being in WWE for a long time.

The Funkadactyls have some odd segments, where the boyfriend of one threatens to beat up Brodus Clay after he reportedly snapped at her. Sure. Yeah. Right. This is the problem with allowing people who could not act to save their life to be put in front of the camera. This guy, and I cannot recall his name, could not be any more ridiculous. “Oh, I’ll go beat this Clay guy up” and “He don’t disrespect my girl, he better get out of that ring and ready for a real fight.” The train cars are piling up, and the disaster kept rolling.

They openly talk about Brie Bella dating Daniel Bryan and Nikki Bella in a relationship with John Cena. They focus a big more on Cena and Nikki. The segment made Nikki look like a complete bimbo as she asks John to reenact a scene from the notebook and dream if she and John will get married and have a happy-sappy life together. BLARF.

Bryan Danielson and Brie live a bit more of a modest life, and Brie, shockingly, acts more intelligent and insightful. Nikki rolls up to their house in a tank of a SUV. John bought it for her. Maybe next is an engagement ring. BLARF.

Evi: Will you stop throwing up on the computer?

Michael: Says the person forcing me to watch.

Evi: You could have gone upstairs anytime pal, I don’t see any ropes holding you down.

Michael: Guess you missed the ball-and-chain on my leg…

Evi: Jerk. Can you get on with the new Divas and how Eva Marie should have been fired?

Right. Eva Marie and Jo-Jo arrive, and Natalya is brought in to be their babysit… I mean, chaperone. Yeah. More on that later. The new girls immediately earn the ire and disdain of The Bellas, because we need them to be bitches EVERYWHERE on television, and VP of Talent Relations Jane Geddes tells Marie to dye her hair blonde so she does not look like a Bella twin.

Stop. Stop right here. The Bellas are clearly becoming the fast focus on the show. The Funkadactyls appear in awkward situations and I am unable to figure out what the purpose of them even being on the show is. Natalya is the one who gets held down, we feel bad, waaah waaah, waaah.

Eva Marie goes to a salon to get her hair recolored, but decides she is unwilling to become a blonde, so she goes fire-red instead, very reminiscent of Lita’s early WWE days. She returns, and Jane is not happy she disobeyed orders, but likes the look, allowing Eva to keep it. Jo-Jo kinda stands there as the little girl in awe of everything, and Eva Marie is clearly made out to be the tough new girl threatening The Bellas dominance. Wow.

Evi: Alright, get onto Natalya. They called her Nattie. Really? Nattie Neidhart? Her father came up with that?

Michael: Well, he was “The Anvil” during his wrestling days.

Evi: I’m not surprised. Nattie is pretty much the loser of the bunch. No WrestleMania for her, she has to play chaperone, she gets upset when Geddes tells the new girl to be a blonde. Since when was there ever just ONE blonde? Kelly Kelly? Michelle McCool? Does WWE have long-term memory problems?

Michael: No, their fans do.

Evi: Wait just a minute, doesn’t Alicia Fox have fire-red dyed hair.

Michael: Yep.

Evi: Guess I’m not the target audience here, since clearly my memory is better than a snail.

Michael: Not when I ask you run errands for me.

Evi: You’re a Zack Ryder wannabe, you know that?

Michael: That hurts.

My wife is correct. Natalya, of course saddled with being the girlfriend of The Great Khali might have a right to complain. Right off the bat she is told by WWE Management she will not be participating at WrestleMania, but instead a host of sorts during promo shoots and the official chaperone of the new Divas. In one of those off-to-the-side-candid-shoots-to-make-this-look-totally-real, Natalya gripes and complains about how WWE Management has completely ruined her career and kept her at the bottom of the barrel while The Bellas are treated like royalty.

Evi: Don’t wrestlers get fired for saying stuff like that?

Michael: Yep.

Evi: She did this for a TV show.

Michael: Yep.

Evi: A WWE-created show.

Michael: Yep.

Evi: She won’t get fired.

Michael: Yep.

Evi: This show is fake, isn’t it.

Michael: Yep.

My wife, ever the learning wrestling fan, understands this is television. This show my friends, is scripted. Some other points proving its uselessness:

• Scenes say six days away from WrestleMania. In a scene stating to be six days away from WrestleMania, Nattie apologizes to Stephanie McMahon for missing her speech, because she was busy with Fan Axxess business. That would be the Hall of Fame speech, because Fan Axxess is the same day. Which means it is NOT six days before Mania!

• Funkadactyls yelling at costume designers. I worked at WWE, and I can tell you those costume designers are treated with respect, loyalty and damn near royalty to boot. They are the ones keeping every bit of wardrobe together. Wait… weren’t they WEARING their ring during the so-called Dress Rehearsal? No, bad scene, bad production, bad dialogue. Worse than any current Keanu Reeves film.

• BIG BOO BOO over here. When the big moment of the episode takes place at WrestleMania 29, Nattie talks about how the Mixed-Tag match involving The Bellas and Funkadactyls are next. Punk and Undertaker wrap up… and then John Cena’s music hits. Except… BROCK VS. TRIPLE H WAS NEXT!

natalya-bio

• Way too many inconsistencies. My guess is E! assumes wrestling fans are just that stupid and any non-fan tuning in just want to see plastic women running and jumping and humping and slapping and crying and hugging and tugging and –

Evi: Shut up Michael.

Michael: What?

Evi: We get the point. This show is just to parade WWE’s hot women around.

Michael: You think Jo-Jo is hot?

Evi: She looks like a troll. Her gimmick is the naïve awe-struck 18-year-old who hit the big time. No one will care about her. People will watch fire-ball hair extensioned Eva Marie while believing The Bellas are the top Divas in WWE. This show accomplishes nothing. Zero. If I never got into wrestling and watched this garbage, I would think wrestling is complete trash and as fake as your smile when I say we’re going to my parents. Clearly the producers either did not do their homework or simply fabricated a storyline. This is just like any run-of-the-mill so-called Reality Television show. It isn’t! It’s fake, it’s scripted, it’s worthless. The preview for the next episode confirms it:

• Stephanie McMahon yells at Eva Marie. Oh look, the flaming red-head gets yelled at again. She must be a rebellious Diva. But this shows how tough Stephanie is and (making a frowning face) how serious the wrestling business can be.

• Tyson Kidd ignores Nattie. Waah waah waah, Nattie plays the wimpy one. Wait, isn’t

• Kaitlyn a blonde too?

• Bellas go partying, one falls over drunk.

• Women in bathing suits.

• John Cena.

Michael: Wow Evi, you really hate this show.

Evi: Of course I do! I actually thought, for one slight moment we might see something different. But instead we get Kayfabe talk which becomes part of the storyline. I read the internet too. Every time a wrestler complains about Randy Orton, that person mysteriously winds up with a Wellness Policy Suspension for 30 days. The show should be called “The Predictable Adventures of The Bella Twins and the other Divas Who No One Cares About Show.”

Michael: You said Kayfabe.

Evi: I did. Shocked your ass off, didn’t I?

Michael: I don’t think I can top this.

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