Monday Night Raw: December 2, 2013

If things couldn’t get any stranger. We start the show with CM Punk. Seemed off his game cutting a promo, I’m not sure what the promo was meant to accomplish, Punk probably didn’t even know since he’s been in limbo since the summer. He raises the ire of Stephanie McMahon. Kane is brought out to enforce nothing, but does become great verbal fodder for Punk. I thought Kane would have been better in the corporate role, but either they aren’t utilizing him correctly or he might not yet be comfortable in this character. I think the latter reason is silly and likely false. We get our next announced TLC match, a 3-on-1 handicap with CM Punk facing The Shield. Weird.

Fans can vote for what the one-and-only champion will be called. Unified Champion, Undisputed WWE Champion or Undisputed World Champion.

Damien Sandow climbs higher in the mid-card ranks by defeating Dolph Ziggler for the number one contendership to the Intercontinental Championship. That rhymes. This is one time I will not complain about Ziggler losing, because it was a great match. Big E. Langston was guest on commentary and wow can he talk. This guy is super-talented in all aspects of the business. I see great things for him. It looks like with Langston as IC titleholder, the belt might get more respect. Sandow vs. Langston at TLC will be a good match, although I have my doubts WWE will have another title change to quickly.

Diva Yawn Fest – Natalya and The Bellas defeated AJ Lee, Tamina, and Summer Rae.

And now… THE GREATEST SEGMENT EVER!

Standing at his personal podium, is Bad News Barrett. Yes! It is Wade Barrett, back from injury, and he has some good news, and some bad news. Good news, it’s Monday Night Raw! The bad news he is in an area of overweight hillbillies and runs down the crowd. We get a nice red #BadNewsBarrett stamp on the TV screen. Awesome. Just Awesome.

Daniel Bryan picks up a win over Erick Rowan. So, the Wyatts kidnapped him, but he came back on SmackDown and here is Bryan again on RAW. Bray Wyatt promises he has sunk his entrails into Bryan and soon a monster will emerge as promised. Regardless, Bryan and Rowan had a hell of a match, back and forth. Just shows the big guy does not always need to dominate, and the little guy can be the offensive attacker more often. Rowan caught a lot of high risk moves, but Bryan would bounce back and never stay down. For a big guy vs. little guy match, these two had some great chemistry. After the match, backstage Kane acts all holier-than-thou, and puts Daniel Bryan in his TLC match, a 3-on-1 against the entire Wyatt Family.

It appears the days of a fun-loving Brodus Clay are coming to an end. With partner A-Train, they lose to R-Truth and Xavier Woods in a short match. Clay is rolled up by Woods for the pin, and the big guy is peeved to the point of having a stare down with his own partner. It’s about time, because I would love to see Clay be the wrecking machine he should have been years ago. I am telling you, he could be the modern-day Taz, and I mean the modern-day ECW Taz, not fat-ass-McGee on TNA Taz.

If things weren’t confusing enough, Sin Cara gets a match on RAW. If you aren’t confused yet, he faces Alberto del Rio. If that does not confuse you, how about Sin Cara getting a clean win over Alberto del Rio. Maybe the former World Champion is in the doghouse or parked in Vince McMahon’s spot. Cara sucks.

Throughout RAW we get flashbacks to all of the feuds between John Cena and Randy Orton in 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010… you get the point. Reminders of why we do not need to see this boring-ass-lame-junk feud all over again.

The Shield shines brightly in their match against The Rhodes Bros and the Big Show. Great match. Shield picks up the win, after a long bout. Everyone had their turns in the ring, each team had even time as the aggressor. At one point Show manhandled the Shield easily, and I thought this would be a squash. A lot of fast paced action. It’s really great to see ring veterans like Goldust and Show work a fast-paced a fluid match with Cody, who isn’t such a rookie, but compared to Show and his brother can be, and don’t forget the Shield, only around for over a year.

CM Punk makes up for earlier in the night with a backstage promo singing about his feelings for the Shield, feeling pretty and witty and gay for them… Not really. Good promo saying he knows he will likely take a beating and go down, but he plans on taking the Shield members with him.

Once again… THE GREATEST SEGMENT EVER!

Wade Barrett has MORE bad news for us. It turns out, by celebrating Thanksgiving, we have all ingested fatty foods raising our cholesterol, we stink from laziness, and constipation. He thanks the fans for his time. #BadNewsBarrett.

Please put Bad News Barrett and Damien Sandow together as a team. The promos, oh dear lord, the promos would be golder than Goldust.

In more confusion, Ryback and Curtis Axel are still a tag team. The Vicious and Delicious wannabes defeated Kofi Kingston and The Miz. Wait, weren’t they just feuding? Maybe they are since post-match Miz smacked Kingston around. Perhaps this is a competitive/personality change for both Miz and Kingston. They have been lamey good guys for a while, maybe it’s time for a more aggressive tone.

Los Matadores and El Torito offer WWE merchandise, except Torito starts losing his mind.

Mark Henry eats Fandango, then gyrates for Summer Rae. She is not amused.

Flashback to yet another confusing segment from SmackDown where Titus O’Neal wins an eating contest, the wrestles and is subsequently spun around by Antonio Cesaro. He pukes in JBL’s hat and all over Zeb Colter. This week it is a tag match between The Prime Time Players and the Real Americans, with the latter team picking up the win. Titus is spun around again, but Colter begs for it to stop, fearing O’Neal will yak everywhere again. The Real Americans pick up the win in this mix of serious and comedy contest.

In the lamest segment of the night, Randy Orton and John Cena have their little contract signing with Triple H and Stephanie officiating. Why oh WHY does WWE do this every month? It ends the same way, it’s always pointless and lame to close a show this way. Goddamn it I turned it off the words were hurting me they were so painful. It ends up in an awkward brawl which Cena appears to win.

I have some bad news too. No one cares about Cena vs. Orton. The ONE AND ONLY reason anyone does care is because it involves unifying both major championships. Last time it was unified, it was a guy like Chris Jericho to be the first one. We either get John Cena to add ANOTHER major title reign to his record, or to Randy Orton, who no one wants to see as the first (or second) Unified Champion.

In any case, this has been a very strange RAW leading up to a very STRANGE Tables, Ladders, and Chairs pay-per-view. In case anyone cares, the fans voted for Unified Champion as the official title.