TV Recap: Monday Night McRAW

Once again the Internet Wrestling Community (IWC) loses their minds. Triple H gets pissed off at the bickering from both Randy Orton and Batista, so he announces if he defeats Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania 30, then HE gets a WWE World Championship match. Batista loses his mind and eats an RKO. Backstage, Batista storms out, stating “coming back here was a mistake.” Wonder if this is fiction or reality?

In equally shocking news, JBL screws up and inadvertently revealed he is behind the Twitter handle @CrankyVince.

Randy Orton faces Daniel Bryan in a No-DQ match tonight.

The Real Americans defeated the Usos in a really good fast-paced match. Swagger and Cesaro appeared, for the most part to be on the same page. Cesaro of course was the MVP of the match, cracking an Uso with his “Very European” uppercut as he flew to the outside, followed by a Neutralizer for the win. Short match, but very well done. Usos as usual were all high energy and their style kept the crowd excited. Hopefully the Real Americans stick together a bit longer.

Backstage, Kane gives out some not-so-subtle threats to The Shield while Hornswoggle is giving stuff out in honor of his upcoming movie… sorry, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Thankfully, Bad News Barrett comes out on his extra tall podium to reinforce the dangers of drinking.

Sheamus defeats Titus O’Neal rather easily. Very disappointing Titus was not more of a threat, as he should be the one getting a significant push post-Wrestlemania. Titus goes after Hornswoggle, which is a mistake, allowing Sheamus to easily get the win. After the match, Christian attacks Sheamus. Yay.

John Cena comes out to cut his promo about how the future of WWE has to go through him, and cue the creepy, Bray Wyatt on the titantron cuts a fantastic promo which is hypnotic in nature. I believe Wyatt and Cena could have a great match. Win or lose, the career of Bray Wyatt will continue to skyrocket.

I love referee Charles Robinson. He acts like he feels the impact of every strike Daniel Bryan cracks Randy Orton with. Being a no-DQ, we get a chair and a kendo stick. Bryan alternates between the stick and fast kicks. Orton, stay in the ring and off the mic. He performed admirably against the Yes-Man. Bryan takes a beating so well. This match Orton appeared to forget how to sell, but it’s Orton. In any case, Batista returned to the ring after having us belive he walked out and speared Orton. Bryan hits Grax with a rushing dropkick and pinning the WWE Champion. Post-match, a pissed Batista powerbombs Orton as the crowd chants “one more time!” over and over. Good match, hyping that the title match at WrestleMania will be a Triple Threat no matter what, question is whether it will be Triple H or Daniel Bryan.

Phil Brooks was guest on AMC’s Talking Dead. Don’t you know Phil? He’s just a regular guy.

Paul Heyman comes out, plays a video package of the Undertaker and his epic run, but as the years have gone by, the wear of each match brings him closer to defeat. Brock plans on defeating death itself and ending the streak.

Backstage, Stephanie questions the judgment of her husband, potentially inserting himself into the WM30 main event and potentially winning the WWE Championship. She assumes he would win and thus neglect his responsibilities as a husband, father, and COO. Triple H tells her he is going to the ring to handle it.

Fandango comes out and the crowd falls asleep, until the familiar gong hits, and the crowd erupts as Goldust comes out, accompanied by Cody Rhodes. The brothers do a short dance to tick off Fandango, and Goldy continues the parody in the ring. Summer Rae tries to interfere, but Goldust scares her off the apron and into the waiting arms of Cody, who does not put her down so quickly, and Summer does not seem to mind being held. Fandango does however, and continues to put the hurt on his opponent. This match goes on five minutes too long, Fandango botches a Suplex, and then Goldust puts him away with his own finisher for the pinfall win.

Kane comes to the ring and announces he conducted an “extensive investigation” into the occupation of RAW last week thanks to Daniel Bryan, and concluded there was someone else involved. He orders Jerry Lawler to the ring, as he is the prime suspect. The King does not budge, but The Shield then comes down and forces him into the ring. Kane is ready to administer some physical punishment when he offers Lawler the chance to explain himself. Seth Rollins takes the mic and explains how The Shield always does what is “best for business” and then turn on Kane. The trio beats down Corporate Kane and plant him with the Triple Powerbomb. Shield appears to have turned face, or maybe they just don’t like Kane.

The Funkadactyls defeat AJ Lee and Tamina Snuka after Naomi pins AJ after a split-leg moonsault off the top rope. Huh. RVD might be proud. Naomi wearing an eye patch following successful surgery. Yay. Post match Tamina and AJ breathe heavily and shout at each other.

Where is Brodus Clay?

Acknowledging it was already revealed by TMZ earlier today, Michael Cole introduces the next inductee into the Hall of Fame – Mr. T.

Yep! It’s time to “pity the fool” who does not realize why this guy has earned a spot as the celebrity inductee this year.

In a match featuring Andre the Giant Memorial participants, Dolph Ziggler, Big Show, Big E. Langston and Mark Henry defeated Ryback, Curtis Axel, Alberto del Rio, and Damien Sandow. The announce team talked about how “emotional” Ziggler gets when he wins, pointing out how he has not done that a lot lately. Great. Keep digging his grave. Poor Sandow, after everyone gets thrown over the top rope by opposing wrestlers, you know, because they will all be in a battle royal in three weeks, Big Show plants him hard with a chokeslam for the win.

Backstage, Renee Young questions Batista about whether he had planned on quitting tonight. Batista replies that he never quit anything in his life. Yeah, someone want to play RAW from May 24th, 2010 for him?

It’s ten minutes to 11pm, and Kofi Kingston is in the ring and Bray Wyatt makes his creepy entrance. I love how they do it pre-taped at the arena now, Bray including the city they are in. Short match with Bray owning Kofi the entire time. Well, that was quite the underwhelming main event match. Poor Kofi Kingston.

Whoops! RAW is not over, forgot, talking segments constitute main events now, not matches. Triple H comes to the ring and offers to clear the air, man-to-man. Triple H talks about how he threw everything at Bryan and he survived, he respects him. Daniel Bryan stuck around while others took their ball and went home. Ouch, jab at CM Punk perhaps? Well, Stephanie does not like that, and sends police to the ring to have DB arrested. Wait, last week they only had two fat guys in suits, and this week six fake cops with nightsticks? The funny part, after they cuffed him, Triple H returns and reveals they aren’t even real cops anyway! He then beats up the cuffed Bryan over and over, with the cackling Stephanie not far behind. After about five minutes of senseless violence, Triple H plants Daniel Bryan with the Pedigree. Meh ending.

Next week, guest hosts will be Joe Manganiello and Arnold Schwarzenegger to promote their upcoming movie, Sabotage. Hopefully Ah-nold will beat someone up.