TV Review: WWE Monday Night RAW – Arrested Development!

I start off with a correction from last night. There was one CM Punk chant during the Divas Title match. It lasted about a minute and died rather quickly. So what was abuzz over last night’s Battleground event? It was John Cena picking his head up after Roman Reigns speared him to see if Kane was going to make the save. Well, maybe he didn’t want to expend the energy to kick out if someone was going to save him anyway.

I was surprised to see so many dirtsheets put down Battleground. The obvious is how The Usos and The Wyatts stole the show, and it was the opening match. I still maintain it was a solid pay-per-view. Yes, I will still call it that until I get a cease-and-desist letter. A lot of online bashing regarding how Lana and Rusev continued their political gimmick amdist the problems going on worldwide. You know what, when Muhammad Hassan got booted off television because WWE thought current events would impact the show, people complained because he was still a talented wrestler and could have just been repackaged. Which one is it idiots of the internet? Always have to complain about something, right? Listen to me very carefully, and I am looking right at you. Enough bashing the opposite of what happens and try to enjoy the damn program. Don’t like it? Then don’t buy it. Alexander Rusev is a damn talented wrestler, and quite frankly, when there were problems with Iran and Iraq, that did not stop Col. Mustafa and General Adan from recruiting Sgt. Slaughter to make their gimmick work. Shut up, sit down and watch the goddamn show. Why? Because Jack Swagger and Alexander Rusev are not done with their feud.

One thing I do agree with, is the abrupt finish to the match between Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt. I was astonished how Bray lost, clean, to Y2J. I was serious in last night’s column, when was the last time Bray Wyatt had a major win? I don’t mean over Kofi Kingston. I mean, against a top tier wrestler? I sure can’t recall.

Many also complained about Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins not having a match, but instead brawling all over the place. You got to see them fight, and it was very well executed, lots of credit to Ambrose for selling the crazed-intensity. Rollins makes a great heel, and I look forward to seeing them collide at SummerSlam. Get over it, it’s a television show. Scripted, remember?

Onto RAW, because I’ve had enough of scolding children today. We are live from Miami! Oh crap. Flo Rida is on RAW tonight. If I had a table here I would flip it over. Not sure why WWE loves him so much. Is he friend of The Rock or John Cena’s? I could not care less, because I tune into USA to watch wrestling, not terrible singing. If I wanted that I would suffer through American Idol.

We kick off with Triple H in the ring, and he’s mad. He is so mad, he might go and flood Twitter with his disdain, send some photos on Instagram, or post on Vine or Facebook how wrestling is RUINED FOREVER. I love that one. He then gets serious and says tonight he will make the big announcement regarding who will face Cena for the WWE World Championship at SummerSlam. Of course, Randy Orton comes in to make his pitch, then Kane, and finally Roman Reigns. It is Reigns who gets the action started by decking Kane. The Game then orders Reigns to face Orton and Kane in a handicap match right away. Well, quite bluntly, Reigns owned the match and gained the win after Orton and Kane turned on each other, allowing Kane to get taken down via Spear.

Next up is the worst Divas Segment ever. Stephanie goads Alicia Fox, Cameron, Rosa Mendes, and Eva Marie into a four-on-one match against Nikki Bella. At ringside is Brie, who is then antagonized by Stephanie and subsequently ejected from the arena. The four least talented Divas kick and stomp their way to victory.

Damien Sandow is here! Bo Dallas is in the ring, and becomes the victim of one of the funniest promos yet. Sandow, dressed in a makeshift Lebron James jersey, making fun of Dallas and the crowd pops when he says we’re all sick of seeing his cheesy smile. We are in Miami of course. Bo Dallas somehow nets the clean win over Lebron Sandow. For a few minute match, it was pretty good.

Lots of Jericho tonight, he hosts the Highlight Reel with his guest, Bray Wyatt. Plus they plug Fozzy’s new album “So You Wanna Start a War?” Totally not controversial at all. They still need the WWE App for something, as Bray comes to the ring, but no Jericho. If you have the App, you would have seen the Wyatts brutally assault him in the locker room. So, looks like the feud keeps rolling along. To add insult to injury, the camera goes back to the locker room, live on television, no App required to see R-Truth and Zack Ryder with a trainer checking on Y2J.

Flo Rida seen walking through the hallway, hugging various mid-carders with his posse in-tow. You know, in case one of them gets too frisky.

So far RAW is hitting and missing. I’m worried.

We got a match of the night from Miz and Dolph Ziggler. Amazing match. Ziggler netted the win via Zig Zag. We’ve got The Miz in full Hollywood Arrogance gear, facing off with Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler is over huge, but that is of no surprise. Miz successfully is able to protect his face the entire match, but winds up eating nine consecutive elbowdrops for it. I love how the Miz is going back to what works for him. Being a complete and bonafide asshole. The match itself was back-and-forth constant on-your-feet entertainment. Miz hit a big move, Ziggler hits a big move. This is one of those “have to see it to believe it” bouts. But wow, this could have been a pay-per-view match.

Backstage: Cesaro interrupts a chat between Triple H and Seth Rollins to inform them he is no longer a Paul Heyman guy, and he is looking to become a Triple H guy. The Game offers the incentive, should he defeat Dean Ambrose tonight, Cesaro might earn himself a WWE Championship match.

AJ Lee and Paige defeated Emma and Natalya. The only purpose for this match was for Paige to go full heel turn and beat up AJ. Wah.

We’ve got a shocker here tonight. Zack Ryder wins. Zack Ryder defeats Fandango thanks to Summer Rae and Layla. Almost a screw up, as Fandango had his foot on the ropes, and Layla almost didn’t make it in time to push his foot off. Not a clean win, but hey, Zack Ryder wins.

Backstage: Renee Young introduces Flo Rida. He wonders if he puts on a good performance, he gets the title match against John Cena. Yawn. Heath Slater, riding high from eliminating Cesaro last night confronts the recording artist and wants retribution from WrestleMania 28 where Flo Rida apparently decked him. I don’t recall that happening. Regardless, Slater shoves the guy, and somehow Flo Rida knocks Slater clear into some equipment about six feet away.

Stephanie McMahon introduces the performer and I couldn’t care less whether they were lip syncing or not. I noticed after two minutes the cameras didn’t bother panning the crowd anymore because no one cared at all, except for the dozen fans in the corner closest to where he was performing.

This was totally awesome to have Flo Rida on WWE Monday Night RAW… Said no one ever.

The whole purpose, was to transition to Stephanie McMahon being arrested for assaulting “a fan” earlier in the night. The fan, being Brie Bella. We got all the cliché phrases, from the “cops” to Stephanie and Triple H threatening them, oh this was priceless. “I’ll have your badges!” “We’re taking you downtown.” I’m laughing so hard. Because they had Flo Rida do a half-assed performance just to lead into Stephanie’s arrest. Genius booking folks.

Backstage: Triple H and Joey Mercury talk about what to do. Mercury asks the COO about tonight’s decision, and he lectures the former wrestler about how family comes first… Except then he talks about how “he’s got some time, right?” She has to get processed through the police station, so maybe he doesn’t have to rush out so fast. Sigh.

Next on RAW, Big E. Langston and Kofi Kingston are defeated by Ryback and Curtis Axel in a fast but decent match. Post match Xavier Woods comes decked out in a white suit, and proclaims the time of being held down is over. Guys like Big E. Langston and Kofi Kingston need to stop playing nice and start taking what they want. Did we just see a new Nation of Domination form? Where is Clarence Mason? Mark Henry? Ron Simmons!?

Alexander Rusev and Lana come to the ring, but before she can utter a word, The Great Khali enters. WHY!? Why in the bloody hell would they book this match? Rusev wins. Simple as that.

I guess this is our main event, and boy was it a good one! Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose blew the roof off the arena. Ambrose and Cesaro perfectly combined both their skills of brawling and wrestling in one match, and if it wasn’t obvious before, it is now. Dean Ambrose can take a serious beating. He takes it seriously. Doesn’t cover up for anything. Frankly neither does Cesaro. Both men beat the tar out of each other, a great back and forth match. It all came crashing to an end when Ambrose lost his marbles, grabbed a chair, and waffled Cesaro. Sure, Ambrose loses by disqualification, but damn, the crazy man gimmick is very over, and personally I love seeing it. I feel for Cesaro, he wins the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, and suddenly he becomes a jobber. I worry for his future.

It is decision time! Triple H is out and wastes no time introducing the challenger for the WWE Championship at SummerSlam… Randy Orton! He comes down to the ring, but is ambushed by Roman Reigns! Didn’t see that coming at all. Reigns chases Orton into the crowd and there goes that! Triple H seems a bit pissed off. Suddenly, PAUL HEYMAN arrives!! He points out how “Plan A” in Randy Orton always fails, and “Plan B” of Seth Rollins is always thwarted by Dean Ambrose. Heyman strongly recommends his “Plan C” which is, surprise surprise, Brock Lesnar. Wearing his “Eat – Sleep – Break the Streak” T-shirt. Heyman had a great line about how fans cheer and boo Cena with great passion, but promises that the “Malpracticing doctor of Thuganomics will be in for the beating of his life.” They replay WrestleMania 30 and Brock defeating The Undertaker and the Streak. Heyman promises nothing but a beating of a lifetime. Paul Heyman owned the promo for start to finish, might have been one of his best of all time.

Don’t forget, Sheamus guest stars on Royal Pains tomorrow night. Also, USA debuting a lot of new sex-based programming in Rush and Satisfaction. If I didn’t know any better, USA Network is turning into Cinemax.

Guess the leaked poster was accurate after all!