Luke Kalamar: Okay Bill, we’re back here again. Our first time out had us watching Real Housewives of New Jersey. Now we’re hopping across the river to watch even more housewives in New York. Oh goodie!
Bill Bodkin: While I wasn’t stoked for the return of New Jersey, I am absolutely stoked for this finale of Real Housewives of New York. #NoLie
LK: You know what, I kinda was too because of the apparently infamous prosthetic leg toss. It’s not every day you see a fake leg used to make a point and it’s not a bionic human being!
BB: But you know how Bravo was going to play this — this wasn’t happening till the bitter, bitter end. Instead, we got subjected to a lot of Sonja Morgan.
LK: Sonja’s ego reached such a critical mass this week, I envisioned her becoming the monstrous blob from the legendary film Akira. I’m surprised no one got sucked in.
BB: Hey man, she was injured!
LK: You’re right, excuse me. I forgot about her sprained faberge ankle. It’s a national treasure that deserves to be coddled.
BB: My favorite line from her tonight was when she was “butt scooting” down the stairs and said, “I’m using muscles I’ve never used before.” So, that means she never uses her leg muscles? Does she float?
LK: In Sonja’s mind, she’s carried by the interns of Team Sonja everywhere she goes in a fancy carriage. Just like she carried her dog down the stairs for “reasons!”
BB: The interns were like deer in the headlights, their facials were absolutely brilliant.
LK: Oh, if you want to talk about a deer in the headlights, how about Kristen? She easily spent most of the episode just staring.
BB: She might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she’s pretty!
LK: She legitimately went out of her way to show people that her looks are her only redeeming quality. “I’m on a billboard! I can’t write a book! I’m a model!” Barf.
BB: Her “modeling” segment was such a painful product placement for Eboost. By the way, their website crashed during the episode.
LK: Well considering how many times she belted out the word orgasm, people probably had a false impression about what Eboost was all about.
BB: By the way — we had about 10 orgasm references in this episode, plus we had the famous “Dunkin Donuts and an orgasm” comment in RHONJ.
LK: Only 10?! I must have been distracted by the impending final scene. Whoever decided for Aviva to throw that leg is a brilliant human being who deserves an award.
BB: The whole situation at the restaurant escalated like the anchor fight in Anchorman. It took a turn.
LK: It took more than a turn. It straight up nose dived. Everyone was having a good time, but then Sonja started talking about how amazing everyone was because they were affiliated with her, and it just escalated from there.
BB: It was the most jarring jump cut in reality television history. Honestly, the whole thing turned into a fifth grade lunch table shouting match that just had me thinking, “Brick killed a guy!” the whole time.
LK: That’s basically what it was. The looks from all those innocent bystanders was the absolute best. “Who are these women and why is their turmoil so engrossing? They should have a show! Oh…wait.”
BB: I love that these women broke out their medical degrees. Aviva was able to determine her doctor’s were scamming her and then Kristen decided to do a deep read of Aviva’s X-Ray. Oh by the way, who the hell carries a complete set of x-rays on them? Crazy people. Crazy people who are vaguely related to Fran Drescher, that’s who.
LK: Wait, carrying pictures of your boney insides isn’t a typical practice? And here I am lugging giant envelopes of my fibula and sternum. Looks like I better go file them at home with my closet of fake legs.
BB: I honestly couldn’t take the suspense anymore, I was dying for the leg throw. Luke, did the actual live up to your expectations?
LK: I haven’t been more excited by a fake leg’s performance than when young Ralphie’s father put up the lamp in A Christmas Story. Just like the prosthetic left her limb, a tear left my eye. It was a glorious moment. What about you Bill?
BB: Dude, it was fantastic. Why was it fantastic? Because not one person on the show kept a straight face. Everyone lost their minds with laughter — even some of the housewives. It was so over the top and ludicrous, that if they had played it off with straight faces it would’ve been so lame and melodramatic. The fact they owned the stupidity and hilarity of the situation made it perfect. Bravo RHONY, you made me enjoy a season finale.
LK: It almost looked like Aviva was taking the whole thing really seriously. She desperately wanted her point to get across, and it instead became a hugely comical endeavor. Then again, she did bring several x-rays with her, so all bets were off from that point forward. It’s that absurdity that made this finale, or at least the ending, more enjoyable than I thought. Look! I said that without vomiting! Clearly I have lost my mind.
BB: I too said it without vomiting. My soul is now officially in the clutches of Senor Andy Cohen. Well played sir, well played.