Real Men Talk Reality TV: Real Housewives of Orange County, Season Finale

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BB: And we’ve returned to the fertile crescent of drama known as The Real Housewives. Today we are whisked away to the glamorous hill of Orange County aka The O.C. Luke, I’ve followed this series all year, this was your first taste of the O.C. – how do you feel?

LK: This actually wasn’t my first taste. My girlfriend watches this every week. Everytime it’s on though I intentionally focus on something else like a video game or paint drying. This is the first time I rightfully focused on it and it was terrifying. There were a lot of crazy eyes.

BB: Yes, I think this finale went out of its way to emphasize that every one woman had big, crazy eyes. I think in the beginning they actually told each woman to make their eyes look as big as possible in order to really drive home the point that, “These ladies be crazy.”

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LK: And crazy they were! This entire episode was about some spat in Bali which resulted in a lot of screaming. People apparently wanted to move on from it, but Tamra wasn’t budging. It was awkward.

BB: Ah yes, Bali. It’s the classic Real Housewives “go on a trip and DRAMAAAAAAAA” scenario.

LK: The problem is, they suddenly consider Bali this unmitigated paradise. Vicki hosts a themed party and tries to completely replicate everything. It was the whitest party imaginable.

BB: #colonialismatitsbest #manifestdestinybiiiiiitches

LK: Then you have the “bull riding” situation involving Heather. Did that happen near Bali, or was that just a conflict they felt like bringing back?

BB: That was from way in the beginning of the season. Heather had a “ground-breaking” ceremony for her new mansion. There was, as one would expect, a cowboy theme party with a mechanical bull. So the one husband yelled “Spread your legs!” Heather’s husband, Terry, brother of the late lead singer of Quiet Riot, did not feel the noise on that comment.

LK: Ha! Nice zinger Bill. But seriously, that juxtaposition really threw me off. To the ill informed, it looked like they found some Country Western bar in Bali.

BB: Nope, totally the O.C. But, that whole situation lead to the single GREATEST insult of all-time. “We have a term for you in medicine and it’s called PENIS!”

Photo by: Rudy Martinez/Bravo
Photo by: Rudy Martinez/Bravo

LK: That was groundbreaking. Not only did we watch a grown man calling another grown man a penis, like a freaking child, he did it with legitimate attempt to insult. GOLD.

BB: He used his medical degree to come up with that one!

LK: So if this is a new benchmark for medical professionals, does that make me the new Chief of Medicine in a major hospital? Terry officially lowered the bar for Doctors everywhere.

BB: Honestly, he’s such more likeable on Botched. But Terry Dubrow did not own the best insult of the night. Shall we say it together?

LK: Kentucky. Fried. Titties.

BB: Kentucky. Fried. Titties.

LK: Historians will remember this day as the day KFT came into fruition. It will make millions.

BB: Because the other thing this finale pushed besides crazy eyes was crazy amount of cleavage.

LK: For a moment there, I thought Lizzie’s extremely pushed up breasts were about to choke her to death. She’s not the only one boasting her assets either. It was intense.

BB: Speaking of Lizzie, her husband won the episode. Particularly when his opinion was asked and he said, “Yeah, I zoned out like five minutes ago.”

LK: That was basically the theme of this episode. “Zoning things out.” So many pointless arguments happened between these characters, I’m not surprised someone is literally blocking everyone out on the show. And, it’s a cool surfer bro too!

BB: Yeah, man there were more secret conversations and double crossings here than an intricately written political thriller.

LK: Honestly, it was like House of Cards without all of the political brick walls. I’m surprised no one was killed.

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BB: It also wouldn’t be a Real Housewives episode without tears, tears, tears!

LK: I actually cannot say for certain tears were actually shed. Both Vicki and Tamra, who scrunched up their faces and made crying noises, didn’t visibly produce any moisture (that I could see). It was pretty funny. Tamra especially looks like a talking mannequin.

BB: Honestly, if this show were just mannequins that never moved but were voiced by the all-star female cast of Saturday Night Live, it’d be the greatest show in the history of television. But instead, we have this.

LK: Okay, real talk for a moment. That sounds like an absolutely incredible show. Why hasn’t that been made yet?!

BB: A version has been made, it’s called The Real Hot Wives of Orlando, currently on Hulu.

BB: So Luke as we wind down and my buzz wears off, let’s take away all the anatomy lessons we learned today. Eyes can be crazy, titties can be deep fried, penises are insulting and you can cry without tears.

LK: And a friendly photographic montage can fix all “major” issues. Sounds about right to me!

BB: Amen to that, bitch. Amen to that.

Photo by: Rudy Martinez/Bravo
Photo by: Rudy Martinez/Bravo
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