BB: We’ve experienced real housewives, Jersey Belles, Long Island mediums and even been on a boat, but this week we tackle our first-ever reality “contest” — Project Runway. Luke, neither one of us are what you’d call, “fashion icons” a term that seems to get thrown around a lot on this show, so how do you feel walking down the catwalk (yeah on the catwalk. shake your little thing on the catwalk) with Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn?
LK: It’s funny you mention that. My knowledge of the fashion industry is minimal at best, so the only people I knew were Klum and Gunn. But Gunn is an American treasure so I was ready for him to put these amateur designers in their place.
BB: So, what you’re saying is…you’re ready to make it work.
LK: If that’s what “making it work” means, then yes…?
BB: Well, even though this is a contest-based reality series, we started this one off with drama as Amanda got accused of being a phony.
LK: Oh yeah, it took all of 1 minute for the tears to start flowing. It was kinda ridiculous, but I guess when your show actually contains people with legitimate life skills, the drama needs to come on thick.
BB: Speaking of legitimate life skills, we’re swept away to Webster Hall, where I once almost got kicked out off for not noticing a go-go dancer on a bar, and we’re introduced to the resplendent, Dita Von Teese, who is the guest judge for the week. And this week’s theme is, “alternative weddings.”
LK: My lack of industry knowledge made Dita Von Teese a total stranger to me, so I went into this episode pretty confused as to who anyone was.
BB: According to this show, it seems like being married to Marilyn Manson helps your street cred in terms of being a fashion icon. Lolz aside, she’s actually pretty major in the burlesque world.
LK: She did have that 1960’s vibe going like a true professional. I thought she looked beautiful, which is the point I guess.
BB: Now, you just got engaged, were you taking notes throughout the episode on different styles of dress and alternative themes you and your bride-to-be could use?
LK: Sure! You two can think that. Who am I to say otherwise?
BB: After the challenge was thrown down, Luke you got to meet all the contestants. Now I think we should do a word association. So, first thing that pops into your head for each contestant. Let’s make this work.
BB: I would’ve accepted derp-faced-troll-doll.
LK: Also accurate! Though I couldn’t get his hair wave out of my mind.
LK: Disappear, as in “Dammit can this man with the stupid name just disappear already?”
LK: Steak! As in, “I wish I had another steak for dinner. One wasn’t enough.”
BB: Also acceptable, The-Human-Embodiment-of-the-Ying-Yang-Twinz-Whisper-Song
LK: Editing her dialogue must have been incredibly annoying. I can just picture the production crew cursing out her inability to speak.
BB: She was like Will Ferrell on SNL – she couldn’t control the volume of her voice. She may also have driven a Dodge Stratus at some point.
LK: THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS HEALTH CONDITION. I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE. I loved that bit.
BB: So, being the newbie, what’d you think of the “sewing” scenes?
LK: I mean, what else can you say? It was really, really boring. Any and all drama was created by the contestants and I literally didn’t understand any of it. Oh they’re putting a bunch of feathers on this dress? That’s cool I guess. I can’t do anything even remotely like this.
BB: They did call for something amazing though during the sewing…A MIND MELD. Luke, I think we should mind meld.
LK: Let’s slam our heads together repeatedly Bill.
BB: Let’s slam our heads together repeatedly Luke.
LK: Ahhhhhh I feel more powerful already! Now I understand basic fashion!
BB: Luckily, Tim Gunn came in and saved the day for us and GUNN’D the shit out of these fools.
LK: Oh man, that guy is the absolute best. He wants to be nice, clearly, but his words clearly crushed the people who were doing a shitty job. Basically the girls who made dresses that looked like eaten corn and whipped butter.
BB: Then we have Amanda, who cannot seem to not be a douche bag. You know Luke, in the fashion world we have a name for people like her and it’s, “PENUS.” (You gotta emphasize the u to get the real Terry Dubrow effect).
LK: Oh man we just went all Real Housewives of Orange County on her! Oh God what is happening to us Bill. What has this column done?! But yes, Amanda was basically a lightning rod for conflict, and of course she would get tied to Korina.
BB: The fates conspired to bring them together like Romeo and Juliet, peanut butter and jelly, James Bond and impending venereal disease.
LK: Or Tim Gunn with an impeccable eye for drama and conflict. Such a rapscallion!
BB: Then we finally got the runway. Sorry, there’s no need for the prep to be 60 minutes and the contest to be about 30 minutes chopped up with commercials. So, we finally got to see “Das Wunderkind” Heidi Klum and the other judges which included Zac Posen dressed like Matt Smith in Doctor Who.
LK: And just like before, I had no idea who these people are. They look like fashion experts so I trust every word that comes out of their mouths!
BB: I knew everyone except the poor woman with the thick accent and penchant for adding “a” after every word. They never introduced her and she looked so lost.
LK: But when you know no one like me, she was just another face in the crowd.
BB: So then we had the runway show and we had some real trainwrecks.
LK: Like the aforementioned corn and butter combo. I have never wanted a BBQ more in my entire life. That alone made them winners in my mind.
BB: Then if you felt dusty, there was that one woman who looked like a fucking doily.
LK: I don’t even know what to think of that. Even my inept fashion taste knows that looked terrible.
BB: I’m like half-drunk during this whole show and I realize I could make the same exact thing as these professional fashion designers.
LK: Zach Posen described “whipped butter dress” perfectly. It looks like crumpled up toilet paper. I’m pretty sure I can make something similar to that with a nice roll of Charmin ultra-strong.
BB: They help avoid dingle berries.
LK: That’s disgusting.
BB: So was everyone’s complete overreaction to the bad dresses. These judges acted like they just witnessed a school play where the kids shit all over the coats.
LK: That is absolutely true. It did get a little over kill. So much so that you even made a Dane Cook joke.
BB: They’ve got one word for people who make Dane Cook jokes.
LK: That is also true.
BB: So we come down to the winners and I felt like there was really no challenge here, but the shocker was our happy surf troll Kini, totally lost.
LK: Out of all these contestants, Kini was my favorite. Not only did I want to hang ten on his hair, he clearly knew what he was doing. He was robbed I say! Robbed!
BB: But you know who wasn’t robbed?
LK: Sharknado! Or whatever her real name was.
BB: Yes, the human “Whisper Song” got proverbially killed by Ian Ziering with her “so bad drunk Bill Bodkin could make this dress” dress.
LK: Quite frankly, she deserved to go home. There was no excuse for her piss poor performance.
BB: Well, sir we’ve come to the end. It looks like it’s time to say Auf Wiedersehen and head on down that lonesome runway in the sky. What’d you think of your first Project Runway experience?
LK: It wasn’t my first and it won’t be my last, but I’ll likely never watch this show without someone making me. But that’s the whole point of these articles right?