Real Men Talk Reality TV: Vanderpump Rules

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BB: Luke, we’re reviewing our first reality TV spin-off, Vanderpump Rules – a series which focuses on the staff of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ star Lisa Vanderpump’s popular L.A. restaurant, Sur. Luke, let’s look at what’s on the menu here…at first glance, it seems like a whole bunch of bat shit crazy!

LK: False, we watched Manzo’d With Children. But I don’t blame you for forgetting that show. It was terrible. As for Vanderpump Rules, this show is basically everything I despise about reality programming. The stars are a bunch of spoiled brats who work at a restaurant. They have no redeeming traits outside of their attractiveness, which is fueled by plastic surgery. They also spent the entire premiere complaining about the possibility of one guy cheating on their significant other. It’s awful.

Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo
Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo

BB: I forgot all about Manzo’d With Children – I tried to scrub the sound and images of Caroline Manzo calling her spoiled brat of daughter a “princess girl” as well as her unruly banshee like wails of terror as she was on a trapeze. God that show was like having painful diarrhea.

Anyway, Vanderpump Rules suffers from the same problems Manzo’d does — it’s a series about nothing. And it’s not in the good, Seinfeld “show about nothing way” it’s more like a series of unfortunate (and sleep-inducing events).

I think, if we’re going to be serious for one moment, the highlight of the episode was the launch of Lisa Vanderpump’s new venture, The Pump Lounge — a gay bar.

LK: I cannot believe that the people around Lisa actually let her go through with that. You’re naming a gay bar “The Pump Lounge.” You only need to stretch your mind a tiny bit to see how insanely wrong that is. Unless that was Lisa’s intention from the start. Then she’s a dirty, dirty mastermind.

BB: This dialogue from the show, Happy Endings, fits this scene perfectly…

Jane: “Let me guess the name of the bar. This is so fun. Man Hole. Back Door. Club Tush. Dream Balls. Club Tush again. Is it Club Tush?”

Max: “It was Greg’s. The gay bar was called Greg’s.”

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LK: Perhaps Lisa is a closeted fan of Happy Endings?

BB: She’s not a fan of subtle humor. She went over the menu with her cook and if it didn’t look like or sound like a penis – it was not on the menu.

LK: Were crazy pills on the menu? I feel like they had to be after all the babbling insanity that came out of Kristen’s mouth throughout the episode.

BB: Luke, remember her one restaurant is where you take your wife, Sur is where you take your mistress, and Pump is where you take your boyfriend. So, if you’re a sexual deviant and a complete piece of shit – they have a restaurant for you. Speaking of sexual deviants and pieces of shit – let’s look at the cast!

LK: Let’s address Kristen first because I just mentioned her above. After Tom left her for cheating on him, she gets into a psychopathic fit about the possibility that he’s cheating on his new girlfriend. This woman is the living definition of crazy eyes. I expected her to rip someone’s head off.

BB: She taught me a lot about Instagram this week. She also taught me a lot about psychosis, Instragram, British DJ’s, stalkers and Instagram. Follow her on at Instagram: @kristendoute

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LK: Bill what have you done?!

BB: Well, what I’m hoping to do is have a conversation with her on Instagram. Which I didn’t know you could have. I thought this was a site for pictures of cute puppies, babies, food, and concert photos.

LK: Nope, apparently Instagram is now a hotbed of betrayal, sexual deviancy, and rampant hatred. The girls and the guys even had a competing Instagram fight. Is this what our world is coming to now? Instagram is the land of threats and tears?

BB: I never heard the word Instagram used this often in any sort of conversation – on TV, in real life, in print or…on Instagram. In fact, title of the episode, ‘Instafight.’

LK: And that’s what happened, so at least the show lived up to its name. Well, somewhat. The ‘instafight’ in question happened at the end and ended up being a cliffhanger. LAME.

BB: Hey – “It’s all happening” — a wise women once tattooed that on her forearm in nearly illegible script.

LK: Ah yes, Scheana! A true voice of a generation. A regular Sherlock Holmes. She spent the entire episode trying to get the honest truth about Tom’s potential infidelity. “A clue my dear Watson!” She yelled out to no one in particular, before she ran off, booze in hand, ready for answers.

Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo
Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo

BB: Dude! We forgot about the true star of the show – JAX!! The man is a walking, talking bag of douche. The man is a golden god of vanity, self-delusion and stupidity.

LK: Jax is the definition of the worst human being in existence. He’s openly dating two women at once, freely talks about how he’s cheated with other women, and goes to a plastic surgeon to get his nose slightly touched up, as if he’s not already a physical monster to begin with. He reminds me of someone who would stand in front of a mirror for hours just wishing they could have sex with themselves.

BB: He was awesome in Mortal Kombat II.

LK: I wonder what happened to his metal arms? Did he lose them drinking too much at Sur? Poor guy. No longer worthy of the ring.

BB: Alas, we may never know. Much like we’ll never know what the point of this show is.

LK: Let’s be honest here, what is the point of any reality show like this one? None of them have ever or will ever serve a purpose. They’re just there and we have to deal with it.

BB: VANDERPUMP RULES!

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