Real Men Talk Reality TV: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

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BB: They’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills returned to Bravo for their 475th season. Luke, this is the first time we’ve been in the “BH” as we reviewed the series’ spin-off, Vanderpump Rules. Were you excited to see Vandy and her gal pals in full housewife action?

LK: I wasn’t just ready Bill. I was Vanderready. Surely if Vanderpump Rules can be the epitome of disgusting vanity, RHOBH must be one nightmarish black hole of inflated pride and unnecessary gratification.

BB: As Kyle Richards white party planner once said, this show is ‘swagged gorgeously.’ Speaking of nightmarish – what’d you think of new cast member Lisa Rinna’s famous lips?

LK: That was cast member? I thought it was a life raft from a sinking ship. Then again, the presence of human limbs, a fully functioning body, and comprehensive dialogue should have proven me otherwise, but I just wasn’t sure.

Photo Credit Michael Larsen/Bravo
Photo Credit Michael Larsen/Bravo

BB: No, her lips are actually made of old life rafts. It was a painful procedure, but she really Vanderplumped the shit out of those bad boys. In certain lights they actually remind me of two newborn otters. Speaking of newborn quasi-amphibious mammals – Lisa VanderAwesome seemed pretty obsessed with female genitalia.

LK: Yeah, she even talked about how her friend was walking around with bush between her legs, as a reference to her boyfriend. Really Lisa? Bush? You couldn’t think of a better way to describe that? That was Vanderterrible

BB: Well she Vandershockedtheshitoutofme when she blatantly dropped the word “Pussy” not once but twice. Uhh…correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t that one of George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words?”

LK: It’s interesting that you say that. Recently, Amy Schumer fought for her right to say pussy on her Comedy Central show. Her main argument was that the channel permits the word “dick” in similar contexts but always bleeps out “pussy.” It was a double standard that I think Bravo avoids, and they should seeing as a man can openly call someone a “PENIS” without any recourse.

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BB: Oh that was a classic! We have a word for people like you…PENIS.

LK: That is bound to remain is the Housewives Hall of Fame. HHF if you will. It’s also a good barometer for content. It’s the Penis Rule. If what you’re saying isn’t as bad as penis, then it’s safe for Bravo. I’d say that rule has quite a long reach that will appeal to a lot of people.

BB: I think I was even more Vandercreeped out by the pact Lisa said she had pink highlights done in her “lady bits.” VanderWHY?

LK: Great, I just VanderVomited all over my apartment. It was like that scene from Family Guy where they drink the ipecac but so much worse.

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BB: Speaking of weird and barfing…there was a white party. While this sounds ridiculously racist, it’s actually just ridiculously elitist. Luke, would you ever attend a white party?

LK: Under normal circumstances, absolutely not. Why does a party need to be “white?” Why can’t it just be a formal party? But then I saw that unbelievably amazing spread of sushi and all bets were off. Can I get some of that to go please?

BB: You can totally VanderSushi it up! Just avoid the spicy tuna roll, I heard they made it with the old filler from Lisa Rinna’s lips.

LK: And now I’m projectile vomiting again. Dammit Bill!

BB: The big VanderPooper at this white party was Brandi Glanville, who sadly is NOT related to former Houston Oilers head coach Jerry Glanville, he was awesome. But she is Eddie Cibrian’s ex. Which surprisingly she did not mention in this episode for the first time in her run on the show. She also showed us some side boob, which was her only contribution to the show.

LK: False, she actually gave us some semblance of conflict with this episode. If it wasn’t for that hardcore VanderShade delivered by Vamperpump, this would have been a completely smooth hour of nothing. Keep it mind it was still insanely boring, but at least Brandi tried.

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BB: Yeah, this was one of the most un-Housewives premieres we’ve been a part of. No real drama, no “I’m dying” or “I was sick” or “My ass is going to jail” situations. It seemed like we caught up with everybody and then we saw 20 minutes of people in bedazzled burkas and unitards juggling and eating fire. Which I guess is good?

LK: It’s good if you’re into extremely bizarre parties. I thought the idea of a “white party” was insane to begin with, but then that all came out in droves. What was going on? Did we all suddenly take acid?

BB: And that’s exactly how Lisa Rinna explains parenting…and her lips.

LK: I’m going to have nightmares.

BB: Sleep tight VanderPrince. VanderSleep tight.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs every Tuesday night on Bravo.

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