TV Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW

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I gotta get something of my chest for a moment. The New Day. For who? For whom? Literally or figuratively? I’m in a state of confusement. It’s a cheery version of the Nation of Domination. I am not sure if this is a combination of High Energy, Men On A Mission, the N.O.D., and/or Cryme Tyme. Not even joking. What the hell is WWE thinking with this stable?

 

Today is Cyber Sunday, which means tonight, the Anonymous RAW General Manager, aka the Annoying Laptop returns as guest GM. Even though a couple of years ago we established it was Hornswoggle. Continuity? Nah. In any event, we kick off with John Cena hurling harsh words at Brock Lesnar, pointing out how he and the Anonymous RAW GM have something in common, showing up once a year. His funny stuff is cut off by Seth Rollins who demands Cena return The Authority to power. Cena refuses and suddenly a brawl ensues with Kane planting him with a Chokeslam, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, Luke Harper, Ryback, and Erick Rowan running out. The GM makes tonight’s main event, Cena/Ryback/Ziggler vs. Kane/Rollins/Harper.

Cena and Rollins are also booked for a Tables Match at TLC. If John Cena loses at TLC, he will no longer be the number one contender for the WWE Championship.

We get a Tag Team Turmoil match to determine the next number one contenders to the Tag Team Championships. Out first is Gold and Star Dust, who face off and are quickly eliminated by the New Day members Kofi and Big E. The next team, confusing the hell out of us all is Tyson Kidd and Cesaro, they put on a show, eliminating New Day. Guess what, the Usos come out and eliminate Kidd and Cesaro. The routine is broken when Adam Rose and The Bunny enter, and lose to The Usos.

Seriously, team in, team out. Couldn’t have made this more entertaining or did we need to see more commercials? Backstage, Miz and Mizdow (with “stunt titles”) look on with Naomi, and Miz seemingly chats her up. Crapcrapcrap, we’re going to get a Total Divas crossover since she is married to Jimmy Uso. Crap in a hat.

Backstage, Vince McMahon arrives in his limo. Backstage, Tom Phillips interviews Erick Rowan, and suddenly the goat-masked hick gets a backstory as Phillips reveals he has an IQ of 142, a wine expert, guitar player, yet questions why he chooses to face Big Show. Rowan, handing Tom a solved Rubix’s Cube, says “he doesn’t like bullies.”

Big Show then enters, and taunts the live crowd saying how he does what he wants, when he wants. Sigh, didn’t he do this shtick already? Then Ryback did it during his… oh wait, WWE erased that too. The match between the two big man goes nowhere as Show gets himself DQ’d by clocking Rowan with the steel ring stairs.

So far RAW has been craptastic.

Backstage: Vince McMahon hypes his appearance on Stone Cold Steve Austin’s podcast.

Fandango vs. Jack Swagger never happens because tonight is a night of boredom. Zeb Colter gets attacked backstage. Golly gee, by whom? Oh, out comes Lana and Rusev to gloat. Jack rushes out to avenge Uncle Zeb. Guess this feud is coming back, so far, best segment of the night.

Damien Mizdow soundly defeats Fernando. He does a better job of being the Miz than the Miz, actually applying the Figure Four correctly. Post-match, Jimmy Uso storms ringside and smacks Miz across the face exclaiming “STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE” so loudly, I think the production crew did not have to amplify it at all. Sigh. Crap. Miz/Mizdow defend the titles in two weeks at TLC.

Back in the ring, where things should take place, Bray Wyatt squashes R-Truth, then hurls chairs and tables into the ring. Bray gets all biblical, referencing the story of Jacob and the Ladder, where, in case you didn’t know, the first wrestling match took place. True story. Dean Ambrose rushes out and the crowd erupts as a brawl ensues. Ambrose rams Wyatt’s head into everything around ringside, and teases a leap off the ladder. Wyatt escapes, however Ambrose adds on the insult by destroying Bray’s rocking chair! Oh no! Wow. Finally, something to wake us all up.

It’s just about 10pm. RAW has been very mundane. Sure, it’s all setup for TLC, but man are they rushing it all. This is what happens when you cram major events too close together.

Hyping up the feud between Nikki, Brie, and AJ Lee. AJ Lee tells Brie talent is not sexually transmitted, and Nikki tells AJ she is a pathetic girl from Jersey. Sigh. This angle has gone so far downhill. The WWE app downloaders voted for Naomi to be AJ’s partner. Other options were Natalya and Alicia Fox. Of course, the most entertaining part of this match are the CM Punk chants. Brie’s gear riding down, so we can see her tattoo right by her, uh, well, lady parts. AJ and Naomi win, but this one might be a candidate for Botchamania.

Live via Satellite, because this seems to be a weekly segment, this week is The Rabbi of Wrestling, Paul Heyman. He cuts a glorious promo about how something special, something unique, like Christmas comes once a year. Why isn’t every Monday night called WrestleMania? Brock Lesnar is unique, special, and comes around when he is good and ready. Heyman wonders who would replace Cena should he lose? Seth Rollins? The Undertaker? Sting? Let’s just throw the entire locker room against Brock. Heyman concludes stating there is an Authority in WWE, and it is him.

I believe that.

Well, after a show filled with filler and builder, we get to the main event. We’re here to see Dolph Ziggler folks. Everyone gets their time in the ring, mostly Ryback who powerhouses everyone. Some solid back and forth, until the “mall cops” interfere, JBL referring to J&J Security of Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury. Hah. Ziggler scores the surprise pinfall following a sunset flip over Luke Harper. Doesn’t stop the heels, as they gang up on everyone, taking advantage when Big Show arrives. Suddenly a wild Erick Rowan appears, clocking everyone with the ring stairs. Everyone hits big moves on Big Show, concluding with Rowan bashing Show with the stairs.

So, Rowan is now nicknamed “Big Red” by the announce team. Sigh.

Not a great show, but not completely terrible. Some good points, but way too many promos and rushed filler for TLC. I wish I had more to say, but I don’t.