BB: Luke, it was inevitable. Like the sun rising in the West and setting in East…this column is taking on The Kardashians. Yes, the family that makes being inexplicably famous look so “good” is in our crosshairs and we’re looking at Kourtney and Khloé Take The Hamptons. How did it feel hanging out with TV’s most famous family?
LK: Bill, this is the first time I’ve ever sat down and watched anything Kardashian all the way through. I’m sick of these people and every single aspect of their lives. They are the epitome of insane excess. So…it was awful. It was awful experiencing this. I feel dumber now. I no write good no more.
BB: Sadly, I’ve seen everything related to The Kardashians. Spending a number of days in the hospital waiting for the birth of my daughter I watched nothing but The Kardashians. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is this – every episode they play some elaborate prank to exact revenge or prove a point. It should be noted that none of these work the way they are intended. This week we saw so many pranks and schemes I was waiting for Snidely Whiplash to come on screen rubbing his hands and cackling.
LK: The big prank of the night was Scott trying to get Kourtney to admit that she doesn’t actually know how to sail a boat. How did they do this? By putting them all in a boat and going out into the open water. Completely ignoring how ridiculous it is that they can just get a boat on the fly, this entire plan was pure insanity. Sailing can be exceptionally dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. This was like setting your house on fire to prove that someone isn’t a trained fire fighter.
BB: Oh yeah, these people are like Felix the Cat with their never-ending bag of expensive shit they can procure in a matter of moments.
LK: It’s not like they have money practically thrown at them to do whatever the hell they want. There’s no way people flock to them for no good reason. OH WAIT.
BB: I think that this entire series is basically the plot to the John Carpenter classic They Live. The government is funneling subliminal messages of submission and compliance through the mouths and actions of these people. Sadly, Keith David is not involved in this show. He’s pretty amazing.
LK: I’d rather watch Keith David take the Hamptons, but unfortunately we don’t have that. We’re stuck with this. And as someone who intentionally avoids anything Kardashian related, I was significantly surprised that Scott isn’t dating Khloé. More than half the episode was about them spending time together and Khloé kept asking for Scott. It was all very confusing.
BB: Well, I think that’s because Kourtney isthe personality equivalent of Drax the Destroyer, but lacks Drax’s innate sense of timing, comedy and compassion. Also, it’s “bros before hos” – Scott should chose Khloé over Kourtney in all situations.
LK: Scott even ended the episode by pouring a bucket of freezing cold water on his very pregnant girlfriend. Bill, as someone who just had a pregnant wife, is this even a good idea?
BB: I’m no doctor, but I was there for the birth of my kid. I could tell you that 1.) A physical shock like this is not great for a pregnant woman and 2.) If I did that to my wife she would justifiably be able to kick me square in the nuts. That shit is stupid.
LK: I think stupid is actually putting it mildly. At least Kourtney wasn’t subjected to that absolute crap show that was some music video with Khloé in it. What did we have to watch? Did someone spike my water with acid?
BB: That was the music video for current New Jersey resident French “Mush Mouth” Montana. He is also the co-founder of Cocaine City Records, and the boyfriend of Khloé Kardashian.
LK: Man, for someone that has money practically spilling out of their eyeballs, Khloé truly does pick the cream of the crop. Is this her attempt to get something even remotely similar to Kanye West?
BB: Remotely being the key word. That dude is not even close to being on the level of Kayne.
LK: By a longshot, but I’d say it’s appropriate. Kim is obviously the more popular one, so naturally she gets the more popular rapper. Khloé gets the others.
BB: I think the highlight of the episode though was Khloé’s “tick” incident — which has seemingly been foreshadowed in every episode of this season.
LK: It was even foreshadowed here where Kourtney openly wondered if they should get tick repellent. Didn’t matter though because a tick came anyway! Oooooh drama! Nothing says good television like the chance to contract an extremely debilitating disease.
BB: Drax/Kourtney seemed to be in no rush to remove it and Khloé screamed like a pregnant woman with no epidural. It was the most gripping moment of television since Peter Griffin’s “Side Boob Hour.”
LK: I think these people like having a sense of danger in the lives. How else can you explain the decision for Scott and Khloé to make a podcast in a bathtub? Filled with water? Next to electrical equipment? Not video recorded too so none of this really mattered.
BB: It’s extreme podcasting, brah!
LK: Throw in a crazy guitar riff and you’ve got a regular hardcore party!
BB: I wish we had some pizza.
LK: That, or a chocolate PB&J bar, which is the takeaway I got from this episode. Nothing that happened has stuck with me. That candy bar? I want it.
Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons airs Sunday nights on E!