BB: Luke, today we review our first reality show produced by VH1. Let start off by saying I miss the old VH1 that was known for Pop-Up Video and Behind the Music, two of the most awesome music-related shows of all-time.
LK: VH1 was honestly never my cup of tea. I love music, but when you grow up with the internet like I did, watching a music video on television is a pointless endeavor. I was glued to Comedy Central, Cartoon Network, and basically everything else.
BB: But we’re not here to talk music, we’re here to look at the network’s flagship reality series — Mob Wives. Fun Fact: very few of these women are actually the wives of mobsters. The firebrand of the series, Natalie, seemingly has nothing to do with the mob. Her dad and her run a funeral home in South Philly.
LK: So wait. This is a show called Mob Wives. Yet the majority of these women aren’t actually married to mob, and one of them is basically a random person? I FEEL CHEATED BILL.
BB: Luke, how can you feel cheated when you let your eyes gaze upon on the visage of that creature known as Big Ang.
LK: I wish I could forget Big Ang. Please, someone make that happen.
BB: Hey man, you’re lucky you’ve never seen her in person. I saw her in Asbury Park, at a juice bar/health food store, and I can tell you that I was a legit block away and I could clearly see her over-inflated lips and her immense cans. Those things have their own gravity force field and zip code. I’m not trying to be sexist, it’s just utterly mind boggling how nearly cartoonish her features are.
LK: It blows me away that someone like her, with those outrageous proportions, can even exist, but clearly anything is possible. We even have Renee who is essentially Big Ang-lite. She’s not there yet, but she wants to be.
BB: Renee also posses the Arc Reactor which she wears around her neck for both survival and to fend off the drama she hates so much. The only thing she can’t seem to defeat with her Arc Reactor is the douchebaggery of her son.
LK: Who brought a seemingly delightful girl to one nightmarish dinner date. Seriously, that poor girl. Andrea is her name. She chose the worst family to get involved with. Run Andrea. Run while there’s still time!
BB: I have an alternate plan for Andrea and it comes in the form a giant man named Storm.
LK: Oh Storm. Poor, poor Storm. I don’t think he deserved getting yelled at by Hurricane Karen. That woman is crazy on two legs.
BB: Yes, the daughter of Sammy the Bull. But, let’s not move away from Storm just yet. Here’s why I like this dude – He speaks without yelling, he’s logical, level headed and he looks like Biz Markie. Four things I can get behind. In fact, I’d love for him to work on this column with us and be our new best friend.
LK: He just seems like a good guy! This is my first time ever seeing him, but I never once thought of him as an unfaithful or crazy person. I can totally believe him bringing a girl up so she can use his restroom. I can also totally believe Karen, who spent the entire episode angry at Storm, going completely nuts because of that. Storm should take that as a sign that he needs to run. I love that I’m in a relationship with someone who lets me actually have female friends. He deserves that too.
BB: Karen started the episode in amazing fashion. She used her ample fake boobs to chest bump Natalie into a wall. To me, that was the absolute highlight of the episode. Well, unless you count on the cameo of Victoria Gotti.
LK: Never in my life did I expect that a convicted monster like John Gotti would be idolized, but Mob Wives proved me wrong. I guess perspective is everything Bill. For every ruthless felon out there, there’s someone to back them up. I mean, the Joker even has Harley Quinn.
BB: Or at least someone willing to cash in on their name.
LK: Which I wouldn’t put past any of these people. Seriously. They are all the worst.
BB: Luke, what would be worse – watching 24 hours of Mob Wives, or allowing Big Ang to give you a hug and say the sentence, “You’re the best, Luke” in the most gravelly, smoker’s voice of all-time?
LK: Is there a third option that’s getting hit repeatedly in the nuts?
BB: Only by Big Ang.
LK: I’ll take Mob Wives for $400 Alex. I mean, Bill.
BB: Check’s in the mail, paisan.
Mob Wives airs every Wednesday night on VH1