The Real Men Awards
Luke Kalamar and Bill Bodkin have been subjected to the worst reality shows on television for the past six months and to celebrate, the guys decided to hand out awards to the shows that have driven one of them to drink and the other to wish for permanent, bear-like hibernation.
The “These People Obviously Hate the English Language Award” (Best Quote)
LK: My favorite quote is, without a doubt, from The Real Housewives of Orange County: “We have a term for you in medicine. It’s called PENIS.” This was spoken by Terry Dubrow, a legitimate medical professional who is married to housewife Heather Dubrow. He’s a grown man who lives in a big house with a successful career as a plastic surgeon. Yet in this moment of penis yelling, he became the equivalent of a teenager calling someone names while playing Call of Duty. In his defense though, penis is the grown up version of “cocksucker” or “dick fart.” Then I remember he yelled this in a restaurant and all bets are off.
BB: It’s so hard not chose Terry Dubrow. It really, really is. However, I’ll go with the new Real Housewives of Atlanta star Claudia who, for some ungodly reason, decided to tell her mom and grandmother (who sound like what would happen if Flava Flav and Borat were a comedic duo) that she keeps it “strictly dickly.” One – why would you EVER say that on camera, in front of your mom or in front of your grandmother? That’s ridiculous. However the phrase, “strictly dickly” is perfect.
The VanderPumpPumpPumpItUp Award (Favorite Housewife):
LK: Jacqueline Laurita is by far my favorite housewife, simply because I find her tolerable. She wasn’t on The Real Housewives of New Jersey very often this year, but we did get her on Manzo’d with Children which was a terrible show. Having a child with autism is not easy (to the say the least) and I have a lot of respect for the Laurita’s for doing everything they can to raise their kid right. Plus, having an autistic child isn’t Jacqueline’s primary identity, unlike Amber Marchese who felt the need to constantly remind everyone that she had cancer.
BB: Well, after that very heartfelt response I’m going to completely douche it up and say Jacqueline Laurita because she’s kinda hot (she could stand to lose all the botox and fillers) and she has big cans. #itscalledpenis #strictlydickly
The Mother Teresa Award (Our Legit Favorite Person Award):
LK: Really, my legit favorite person since we started this column is Tim Gunn. That guy’s great and not just because he’s known for an actual life skill that requires decades of practice. It’s not easy to develop that much knowledge about fashion but Gunn makes it look so simple on Project Runway. He also seems likely a genuinely good person which is something I cannot say for basically anyone else we’ve watched this year. Plus, I still love how Gunn played himself multiple times on How I Met Your Mother.
BB: My knee-jerk reaction would be Storm, who’s Karen Gravano’s boyfriend on Mob Wives. He’s a straightshooter and he reminds me of Biz Markie. Double win. However, how can you ever go against Tim Gunn? The man might be one of the most sincere and genuine people on television today. He’s like a gay Obi-Wan Kenobi not only on Project Runway but in life as well. And his style – impeccable.
The Webster’s Award (Best Made-Up Word, Catchphrase):
LK: Titty balls, courtesy of those crazy ladies on Gypsy Sisters. I don’t know what titty balls are. I don’t know why anyone would yell titty balls. Yet that’s what was exclaimed on multiple occasions, to the point where titty balls is permanently ingrained in my mind. Now, they are in yours. Have fun!
BB: I can never, ever go against Titty Balls. Ever.
The “…It Came From Hell Award” (The Most Awkward Situation Award):
LK: I’d say my most awkward situation was Aviva Drescher throwing her fake leg on the floor in The Real Housewives of New York season finale. For the record, I loved watching this happen. This is the epitome of what makes reality television somewhat watchable. I mean, who in the world would just throw their fake leg at people?! The funniest part was everyone running away from the leg like it was a live hand grenade. Yet regardless of how hilarious it was, I cannot deny the awkwardness. I can’t imagine what I would do if this happened to me.
BB: Bachelorette parties often involve lots of crazy, extravagant and fun ideas. Whether it’s a spa day, a crazy night at the club, male strippers, whatever – the ladies know how to have just as much fun as guy’s do on their “last night of freedom.” With that being said, why in the blue hell would you invite The Long Island Medium to your bachelorette party to tell you about your DEAD PARENT. “Happy Wedding – you’re going to sob and be depressed forever.” As the LIM told the bride what her dead parent thinks, this woman is SOBBING. God, I felt so uncomfortable. Who thought this was a good idea?! Worst maid of honor ever.
DOG SHOT (The Best Dog Shot Award):
LK: Let’s be honest here, I don’t have a favorite dog shot because ALL dog shots are awesome. No matter how terrible a show is, dog shots are the few tolerable moments that remind me that I’m still alive and not an empty husk. If I had my way, I’d make an entire show about dog shots. Some might say that’s just Animal Planet, but I don’t care. Dog shots for everyone!
BB: Jersey Belle had the best dog shots. Why? It was the only thing that was remotely interesting about this shit show.
The Burn It, Burn It With Fire Award (The Scariest Thing We Saw Award):
LK: I still cannot unsee Big Ang from Mob Wives. Seriously, that woman is terrifying. How doesn’t someone even get like that? It’s unnatural! Whatever plastic surgery was done on Ang, it clearly crossed some threshold a long time ago. I wonder if she ever looks in the mirror and goes, “When did this go wrong?” A long time ago Ang. A long, long time ago.
BB: I’ve seen Big Ang in person. I can never forget it. I’ve seen her on TV. I can never forget it. Her visage will haunt me for the rest of my days.
The “You Couldn’t Pay Use To Ever Watch This Show Again” Award:
LK: Jersey Belle. What an awful, horrendous excuse for a television show. It has absolutely no redeemable qualities. Jamie Primak Sullivan isn’t a fish out of water. She’s not from a tough neighborhood. She’s a woman from well-off Freehold, NJ who’s been living in Birmingham for eight years. If you’re not fully accustomed to your new residence after eight years, you’re not a “fish out of water.” You’re an ignorant ass who doesn’t deserve friends. Sullivan’s attempt to be the New Jersey stereotype is absurdly forced too. She doesn’t say “balls.” She says “BAWLS.” She frequently curses around her friends for no reason. Her favorite musical artist is Bon Jovi. Seriously, it’s this bad. Go away Jamie Primak Sullivan.
BB: The #RichKids of Beverly Hills was one of the biggest pieces of trash I’ve ever watched. It was people with no redeemable skills acting like utterly pretentious shit bags. They aren’t housewives or work at a bar or are a “fish outta water. “They’re just rich. Terrible concept for a show and with a less than 30 minute run time, this barely television.
The ZZZZZZ Award (The Show That Was Actually the Most Boring):
LK: Believe it or not, there is one show that I thought was the most boring: 19 Kids & Counting. This show is just a slog. It’s not painful to watch. I’ve come to terms with how the Duggars are hyper-religious baby factories. They do what they do and that’s fine. But holy shit, this show has nothing going for it. Having a lot of children doesn’t make compelling television. Plus, the wedding special did not have to be two hours long. At all.
BB: Breaking Amish actually made me fall asleep. Nothing happened…at all. We were introduced to some Amish folk who had “issues” and “secrets” ranging from one woman wanting to work in construction to another who liked nice clothes to guys who thought they were talented actors (and definitely were not). The premiere episode focused on nothing but their Amish life. And you know what happens in that Amish life? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
The Guilty Pleasure (The Show We’d Actually Want to Watch Again):
LK: I’d watch Project Runway again, which isn’t saying a lot because I’d rather not watch any of these shows. The one thing that sets Project Runway apart is that the people on this show actually have a respectable skill set. I can see why we’re watching them compete and actually caring about what they do. The fact that this show is a competition is what gets me. I don’t care for reality television, but I do enjoy reality competitions, especially cooking shows. I clump Project Runway in that same bunch.
BB: They make it work on this show.