TV Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW: Rumble Retcons

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I don’t know about you, but when I hear Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins, deep down I pray for Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black, and whether we get Ring of Honor chants.

We kick off RAW with a funny segment featuring Stephanie interrupting her husband and constantly interrupting Triple H like a drunken parrot. They mock the Superbowl, wondering if they could survive the flood on Twitter of #CancelNFLNetwork, in an obvious acknowledgement of #CancelWWENetwork, which amounted to nothing. They tease a change in the WrestleMania main event, which brings out Roman Reigns. I love how this is handled, awkwardly, but still addresses the whole result of the Royal Rumble, how the fans reacted, the interference from the Rock, and whether Reigns is a credible opponent for Brock Lesnar.

The funny part is, the live crowd is CHEERING and CHANTING for Reigns, which pretty much negates the dissatisfaction from the Rumble. In any case, both Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins interrupt, claiming their rights to championship rematches. The Game makes on offer, tonight is Rollins vs. Bryan, winner takes on Roman Reigns at Fast Lane, winner faces Brock at WrestleMania. I dunno, something is starting to resemble the build up for WrestleMania 2000. I am wondering if we are going to end up with yet another Triple Threat or Fatal-4-Way.

In case you missed it: Roman Reigns face the entire segment. Either constipation, or struggling really, really hard to remember his lines. There was an awful lot of dialogue about his family history, and having him choose between taking the offer of putting the title shot on the line at Fast Lane or being “Mr. Selfish” and just going to face Brock Lesnar.

Roman Reigns is the forced to face Big Show, and loses after a ton of Authority interference. Shock.

Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie brag about how there was never any “big announcement” to be made, but they manipulated the situation to their liking. They smooch, I vomit. Seriously, I did. I’ve been sick.

This is the funniest Twitter photo ever. To explain, Curtis Axel whines about never being eliminated from the Royal Rumble, due to Erick Rowan “stealing his spot” away.

Enter Dean Ambrose to always solve the world’s problems. However his beef is not with Axel, he throws out a challenge to Bad News Barrett for an Intercontinental Championship match.

So far, I am intrigued with tonight’s RAW.

Promo for Black History Month, the Big Cat himself, Ernie Ladd.

The Ascension easily defeat The Dusts, and finally, after weeks of dragging it out, Stardust and Goldust split up after a heated backstage spat where Goldust calls him “Cody.”

In a very odd segment, John Cena has a “Welcome Back” segment for Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback, which is odd since they were gone for all of two weeks, and were all in the Royal Rumble. So… Yeah. Interruption by Stephanie who books three matches:

Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt, Rowan vs. Rusev, and Ryback vs. Luke Harper. Ryback got a bigger pop than Ziggler, so I therefore now question the collective sanity of all wrestling fans in Denver, Colorado.

In a shocker, Ryback and Harper have a pretty solid match, with Ryback nailed a decisive win with the Shellshock. I dare say these two could go “strong style” but I won’t for fear of angering the internet. I will say without proper angles for these two, let them go at it some more, maybe in some Falls Count Anywhere-type bouts.

Winning the title for “Short-and-Sweet” goes to Jimmy Uso vs. Cesaro. Great back-and-forth match up with Cesaro clocking Jimmy with the Very European Uppercut as the Samoan jumped off the top rope. Kidd and Cesaro are being put over as potential Championship contenders, and I would not mind that at all.

Speaking of teams, and calling back to breaking them up, a backstage segment with Miz and Mizdow goes south when an intern asks for an autograph from Mizdow. Miz flips his lid, and verbally assaults Mizdow, “firing” him as stunt-double and relegating him to “personal assistant.” The best part… is Damien Sandow mimicking Miz the whole time.

Best match of the night thus far is awarded to Dolph Ziggler and Bray Wyatt. They threw everything at each other. Non-stop, and Ziggler took some sick bumps, including a Suplex on the arena floor. After Ziggler nailed a running Superkick and a Famouser, the creepy carnivore shocked all with trapping and spiking Ziggles with the Sister Abigail for the clean finish. Watch this one online if you can.

Backstage, seems like Seth Rollins and The Authority are on the same page… Or are they?

Divas match with Paige vs. Alicia Fox, and the Bellas at ringside. I missed it all, as I was busy taking a massive dump, which lasted longer than the actual segment. This is not a complaint. Paige won, but then got spray painted with black ink because the Bellas “wanted to give her some color.” Uh… PLEASE tell me this wasn’t a nod to Black History Month… PLEASE.

Backstage: Erick Rowan thanks Cena for standing up for him, sounding really humble. Interesting.

The Miz loses to Sin Cara in a mostly bore-fest, which might have been the point. Sin Cara hit something which looked like an Angle Slam, but then it was all headlocks while the fans cheered for Sandow, who stood at ringside and did nothing. He did NOTHING, and got a bigger pop than anyone else tonight. Miz loses after Sandow riles the crowd, allowing Cara to roll him up. Ha ha!

Bray Wyatt cuts yet another creepy promo, saying how he is “waiting for him to come back” and this is a person who he said: “They used to fear you…buy you let that fear turn into love… I am the NEW FACE OF FEAR.” So… are we calling out Undertaker?

Rusev beats up Rowan, and then we get a long promo showcasing Rusev’s dominance in WWE. Yep, beating mid-carders, and Sheamus. I mean, he’s beaten Zack Ryder about a dozen times, that should count for something. Oh yeah, it is meant to hype Rusev vs. Cena. I wondered if Cena would help his “new friend” Rowan, but I guess we have to be consistent, Cena doesn’t do saves. After the promo, the flag failed to drop. Purposely or technical difficulties?

Backstage: Daniel Bryan offers Roman Reigns support, except Reigns wants revenge on Rollins. Bryan explains, he intends to beat Rollins tonight to face him at Fast Lane, and suddenly Reigns gets all pissy. Seriously? Making Bryan out to be the bad guy? That’s not gonna work here. I really hate they are pushing Reigns as the “man brave enough to sacrifice” gimmick. It only works on someone you WANT to see, which is why it worked for guys like Bryan and CM Punk, hell, go back twenty years and add Shawn Michaels to that list. I see WrestleMania 31 somehow turning into a mess of a main event.

In the ring, Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins is our actual main event. Yes! A wrestling match! Bryan, sporting boots stolen from the Berserker, has to contend with J&J Security, along with Big Show at ringside. Well, I guess we are not going to get “Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black” but still getting a great match. We got our interference for sure, but we got a main event worthy match. Unbelievable, tons of dives, top rope moves, big risk moves, just great. However it was thanks to a Roman Reigns assist by spearing Big Show, taking out J&J Security, and then delivering a Superman Punch to Rollins, allowing Bryan to strike with the Running Knee for the pinfall victory.

Finally, finally, finally, we got a solid delivering of Monday Night RAW. I honestly did not want to watch tonight, but between bathroom breaks, I stuck it out and was not disappointed.