Real Men Talk Reality TV: Shahs of Sunset

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BB: We’re back, bitches! We cut a lotta girls, we cut a lotta checks. Actually, we don’t. But, the cast of Bravo’s Shahs of Sunset does and we’re rolling deep with this crew of outlandish and outrageous Persian socialites who love gold, the sauce and sex. Luke, how was it rolling deep with the Shahs crew?

LK: Bill I feel like my entire concept of a rainbow was obliterated after this hour. A rainbow isn’t a combination of various colors based on light anymore. It’s all GOLD. Gold is everywhere! And some neon but mainly gold! It’s almost too much. Are Persians really like this? I literally know very little about their culture.

Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo
Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo

BB: Well, I don’t know much about Persian culture either, although their food looks delicious (I’m basing this on seeing previous Shahs episodes and the fact I’m hungry right now), but this show seems to have built a little “Persian Rights of Passage” checklist. Let’s see if any of these apply to us….

  1. You must own at least one Rolex watch. It’s gotta be minimum 24 karat.
  2. You must own, not lease, a black Mercedes Benz.
  3. You must speak two languages at the same time.
  4. You have to litter your home with golden brick-a-brack.
  5. You must have at least one Christal Mimosa a day.

Luke how many of these apply to you?

LK: Well, I drive a black Nissan Sentra, a wear a Marvel watch, can speak my own language with ease, have a wood floored house, and drink water everyday. I’d say I’m preeeeeetty close. Sign me up Bravo! I’m your new SHAH!

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BB: If you can grow a sweet mustache and channel Gay Gandhi, then I think you’re on your way! But onto the Season premiere of Shahs. Everything is pretty status quo for our shahs, except for Mercedes, who seems to be in love.

LK: Which is pretty sweet actually. From the few episodes I’ve seen before, MJ seems like the one who has it rough the most. I’m glad she found someone for her. Even if the guy looks like Buster Bluth.

BB: I actually wish it were Buster Bluth because it would add a whole new dimension to this series. And it definitely would’ve helped this episode because it was pretty dull. That is until the unexpected, outta nowhere, escalation between Mike and our new cast members. That took a wicked turn for the worst and it didn’t seem to make a ton of sense.

LK: This episode just didn’t have anything going for it. For a solid ¾ of the episode, it’s a whole lot of talking and celebrating the Iranian New Year. This is all fine, I’m glad they had a good time, but it doesn’t amount to actually enjoyable television. It almost put me to sleep.

That fight woke me up though, simply because it all felt orchestrated. Who gets angry that fast?

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BB: Well, fizzy alcoholic drinks in a “trendy” Hollywood bar that reminded me of a funeral home parlor will do that to you. Also, it seems making sure your suit jacket vents will prevent a bar room brawl.

LK: That’s where the orchestration came in. For what reason is that guy so upset with Reza? Reza was actually trying to help him not look like an idiot and it totally backfires. It leads to this insanely stupid fight involving a very drunk Mike.

BB: You know what the most disappointing thing was? In typical reality show fashion, there was no punches thrown. Now Mike, who was a big drunk idiot the entire episode, could’ve easily demolished this guy. Why did we not see this? Come on Shahs!!

LK: I feel like that’s Mike’s purpose too. He is the only stereotypically masculine person on this show. If anyone is going to throw punches on par with the Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s Mike. Yet he just doesn’t do anything. It was a fight for fights sake.

BB: Then his fiancee pulled the old “take this mic off me” gimmick out and that’s when this episode just went off the rails, the train exploded, and the forest it derailed in was lit on fire. Not even Gay Gandhi and his resplendent mustache could save us.

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LK: Seriously, can we retire the “take this mic off me” bullshit now? That’s supposed to make viewers think the person is so upset they’re leaving the show, but how often does that actually happen? Never! The person never leaves. Wouldn’t it be great for someone to do that, and then they were just gone for good? One can dream.

BB: One can dream indeed sir. Till then let us begin our rights of passage – I’ll see you at the gold exchange this week. We can take my Mercedes.

LK: I’ll arrive there in gold plated underpants. Only the finest!

SHAHS OF SUNSET airs Monay nights on Bravo

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