Mick Foley stole an outfit from the closet of Joel Gertner.

Brace yourself, this PPV is on the fast lane to a train wreck.

Our opening contest on the pre-show, saw Rich Swann and Akira Tozawa defeat Brian Kendrick and Noam Dar. Great match, did not disappoint. Match accomplished what it needed to, hype up the crowd for the main show. Tozawa is awesome and Kendrick is such as good heel, a major antagonist. Looking forward to what insanity we get from the cruiserweights at WrestleMania.

On the main show, the first match saw Samoa Joe defeat Sami Zayn. Really good match. I was very impressed with the action and watching Zayn hit the Blue Thunder was a sight. Joe wrecking Zayn… geez. Great match to start the show…

… But then it starts to slide.

Anderson and Gallows retain the RAW Tag Team Championships against Enzo and Cass

For all the hype, this match felt like something we have already seen during the first hour of RAW. The match wasn’t anything special, although the finish of the bout was pretty good.

Some backstage segments with Mick Foley and Stephanie on speakerphone. Interesting.

Sasha Banks defeated Nia Jax

Well, this was a weird one. Jax owned the match. Completely. Until Banks escaped from a samoan drop attempt, rolls up Jax with a bridge, and gets the pin. Cool, but meh.

During the pre-show, Rusev and Jinder Mahal argued about going solo. So Mick Foley decides to give them both singles matches tonight. Things don’t go well. Mahal first knocks the crap out of Rusev, sending him into the crowd.

First, Cesaro defeats Jinder Mahal. I give credit to Mahal, he looked pretty good in his match, and it appeared he would get a win after Cesaro hurt his back. Not sure if that was legit or work. Things got worse for Mahal after the match, Rusev beat the snot out of him.

The Big Show defeats Rusev

First, Show is in complete control. Suddenly, Rusev seems to get the upper hand. Lots of credit to Rusev, he sold everything and looked like he was being put through hell. When Rusev gets his offensive rolling, I believe he is going to win. Until, Big Show snaps up, and goes on a mauling rampage and looked like a beast. An absolute behemoth. Show delivers three chokeslams, and then just clocks a prone Rusev in the face with the KO Punch.

In an amazing cruiserweight match, Neville retains the WWE Cruiserweight Championship against Jack Gallagher.

Hot damn. This was one hell of a match. Jackie Boy took some serious bumps, majority of them on his head and neck. One running snap release German had me cringe, another toss off the ropes put the Gentlemen on his head. Ouch. The flow of the match never broke. Until the ref botched a pinfall, as Neville hit a Phoenix Splash off the second rope, and the ref hit three, noticeably too. Thankfully our showmen continued to put on a crazy bout, and the live crowd quickly forgot about the botch. Gallagher hit a series of hard headbutts, but could not get the win. Ultimately, Neville launched Gallagher off the turnbuckle, followed by an unbelievable Red Arrow, which might have gotten an extra rotation for the pinfall win.

In one of the few highlights of Fastlane… The New Day promise Ice Cream will debut at WrestleMania. Big E. was a bit too excited, starting to sing Orton’s theme and drooling all over their ice cream cart. This segment lasted longer than the main event.

In a match I was dreading for the outcome… ROMAN REIGNS MUST LOOK STRONG BECAUSE HE’S ROMAN $%#&*@ REIGNS AND HEAVEN FORBID HE DOESN’T EVER LOOK NOT STRONG.

Yes, he defeated Braun Strowman, by pinfall. It was a good match, both took some hard bumps, but the outcome was eye-rolling spectacular. Again, match was good, but the outcome was such a downer. Honestly, even if Reigns lost he would have looked strong anyway. Both Reigns and Strowman did really well. This sucks, it is as though they took Strowman, built him up to be a goddamn unstoppable wrecking machine, beating everyone, like Henry and Big Show, all for the purpose of becoming another notch in the win column for Roman Reigns.

Is it just me or did Reigns compete in sneakers? Did someone lose their luggage?

If it is Reigns vs. Undertaker at WrestleMania, I will not be shocked if the stats become 23-2.

Bayley retains the RAW Women’s Championship against Charlotte

Sigh. This match went to the crapper fast. Not sure what happened, but there was too much talking, and too many blown spots. Bayley outright missed some signature moves. Some decent spots gave some life back, but then interference by Sasha Banks, no DQ, and Charlotte gets caught with a Bayley to Belly Suplex, and loses her first PPV match. There was a whole lot of mishap here, and it seems quite obvious this will build to a three-way or four-way at WrestleMania. The question will hover whether Bayley can do it on her own, and the only way she can prove it is by defeating everyone.

It is 10:50, and there are a crap ton of promos going on… first Seth Rollins, and then the complete recap of the feud between Goldberg and Kevin Owens. At this rate, it’s going to be a five minute match. Squash?

Well. after four minutes of Owens ducking out of the ring, he finally wants to fight.

Bell rings. Jericho’s music hits. Distracts Owens and Goldberg hits the spear and jackhammer.

That’s it. Over. Goldberg is your new Universal Champion.

I have no words. Goldberg vs. Brock at WrestleMania, now for the title. I dreaded this. I knew it. I didn’t want to predict it because I had some misguided faith WWE would not go down this road. But they did. They are going to have part-timers fight over the main RAW championship at WrestleMania.

Check please.