WrestleMania 33 Predictions: Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg – WWE Universal Championship

WWE Universal Championship – Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg

Boy, you guys stuck me with the main event? I’m not sure if I should be honored or sulking with my head down in embarrassment.

Excuse me while I hop on my makeshift time machine, and go back to 2004.

… bloop.

… beep.

… barf.

Boy, my machine makes some weird noises, resembles my gastrointestinal tract on a Crohn’s bender. Ah, here we are. March 14th, 2004. Madison Square Garden. Wow. When was the last time a WrestleMania took place in mid-March? Also, the last time a WrestleMania was at the Garden. I can see myself now, sitting in the middle area of the arena, watching John Cena capture his first singles title as a face against the Big Show, a great feud culminating with a match between Chris Jericho and Christian, in the WWE Championship match, Eddie Guerrero retains against Kurt Angle,  and Chris Benoit (gasp! I said his name!) defeated Triple H and Shawn Michaels to win the World Heavyweight Championship.

But there it is, in the smack-dab middle of the show, referee “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is there to watch the complete and utter disasterpiece of Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg. Why was this such a train wreck? I can easily answer this as I stare at myself and my friends booing and cracking joke, while a guy behind me asks “uh… shouldn’t you be cheering for one of your people?”

Yes, that happened.

Reasons why this was a debacle:

  • Goldberg let it go public he was not resigning with WWE.
  • Brock Lesnar let it go public he was leaving to go try out for the NFL.
  • The match sucked.
  • They barely worked.
  • It sucked a lot.
  • It was mostly a bunch of failed running shoulder blocks and clotheslines.
  • My colon was sucking in some acid to help some bad pretzels digest.
  • Lesnar missed something, and then Goldberg hit a fast spear and jackhammer to win.
  • Even WWE thought this sucked, which was why Austin was assigned as guest ref in hopes fan might care.

No, no one cared. I had enough. I’m jumping back to 2017.

Oh, I was here all along, and just ate some bad Gefilte Fish which trigger this Primus-awful flashback. Wait… Brock vs. Goldberg is happening again… with a title on the line?

Here’s why this match will be no different. For starters, this didn’t have to be a championship match. This is WWE substituting a championship for a hall of famer guest ref. Kevin Owens jobbed the belt to Goldberg just for this purpose? Adding a title does not make this match any more interesting. In my opinion, this just belittles and decreases the value of the WWE Universal Championship as nothing more than a prop. Goldberg came back, and barreled through Lesnar at Survivor Series 2016 in less than two minutes. Goldberg eliminates Lesnar from the Royal Rumble. So, Goldberg has Lesnar’s number. Oh wait, Lesnar hits an F-5 on Goldberg once on RAW, and now Lesnar is a credible threat again. I have to believe even Rabbi Paul Heyman thinks this whole plot is meshuganeh, and he is the only one who has kept this interesting. Besides the night Goldberg bashed his own head in.

What is the point of this? Is this Vince’s way of saying he has no faith anyone else in the roster could main event? It is pretty clear Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt for the WWE Championship will not be the final match of the night. Again, WWE devalues their own championship for the sake of pushing a marquee novelty match. Goldberg wins, meh. Who challenges him? Brock wins? Meh again, as it would be a matter of time before there is a triple threat or a battle royal where Brock doesn’t get pinned to lose the title.

Do I even have a prediction? Optimus almighty I can’t figure it out. They are making it seem like Goldberg’s steamrolling over Brock might have been a fluke, and Brock will come rampaging in and demolish our Hebrew Hero. On the other hand, it could be a swerve, and Goldberg comes out triumphant. It’s either “of course Brock won, because this building of Goldberg was just to make Brock look strong” or “Goldberg won! See! WWE wanted to swerve us all! But we know better!”

There is no clear winner. My wish, is they suddenly make this a Fatal Four Way with Tye Dillenger and Finn Balor.

I ask my wife who will win, and her response is “Is I don’t care an option?”

I look at my shelf of Transformers, Bumblebee is smiling, Star Convoy is staring blankly, and I don’t know what Victory Sabre and Galaxy Shuttle are doing, but they are packing heat in my direction. It is when I look at Ultra Magnus, I realize the burden of being Autobot leader is a heavy one, but it is with strong allies one can truly accomplish the impossible.

I’m entering the 2018 Royal Rumble.

Oh, right. I’m supposed to pick a freakin’ winner.

But here comes another speed bump. The dirtsheets go nuts, then mainstream media picks it up and runs with the headline of Goldberg being miserable and unhappy with his current run in WWE. This is where I get ticked. I’m ticked, because he’s wrestled under five minutes. Actual bell-to-bell time. He probably had to work out more often and change his regimen to be able to hopefully go more than five minutes at WrestleMania. To be honest, this might not last as long.

I’m losing my mind here. On the one hand, Goldberg has been mauling Brock, aside from one F5 given on RAW. So, WWE is painted Brock to be the lesser man, which in WWE storytelling, means he has to win because they hope we all think the Beast has no chance in hell.

On the other hand, WWE has been known to fool us once in a while with a twist. Maybe they have a good match and Goldberg still wins, or Goldberg still squashes Brock in under two minutes.

Or, maybe WWE, now pissed at Goldberg’s comments decide to embarrass him, and say, well, Brock winning is now the obvious move, so let’s have NXT Call-Up or Hall of Famer or Guy Returning From Injury jump in to make it a triple threat match, and THAT GUY wins.

At this point, I remember Brock defeated Dean Ambrose at last year’s event, the following year lost the WWE Championship when Seth Rollins cashed in and pinned Roman Reigns. Last year, the final match between Roman Reigns and Triple H was terrible, and closing the show that way left many fans angry and dissatisfied.

We are not getting a long match between Brock and Goldberg. It will be worse if this is what closes the show. I’m throwing my hands up and going with Goldberg not leaving WrestleMania with the WWE Championship.