TV Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (is Rollins)

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Live from New Orleans, RAW is background noise!

Earlier tonight, TMZ broke the news that “Macho Man” Randy Savage would be inducted into the 2015 Class of the WWE Hall of Fame. So, the announce team constantly repeat how this is “expected but not confirmed” in various stupid commentary. I guess they either can’t or don’t want to say that TMZ scooped the news before they could make an official announcement. Hell, they even took one of the commercials during NCIS to announce that he is “expected” to be announced tonight. Throughout the show, various wrestlers to their Macho Man impersonations, and we get a promise of a Daniel Bryan appearance tonight.

My guess is WWE realized viewership would be down due to the NCAA Championships tonight. So they let everyone just cut loose with promo after promo. Geez, there were so many damn promos tonight.

Mostly anyway. We start the show with John Cena attempting to get #AuthoritySucks trending in an attempt to get Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback their jobs back. Triple H and Stephanie come out, and it seems as though someone forgot to write a script for Steph since she awkwardly interrupts at awkward moments with awkward squawking like a parrott, repeating everything Triple H says, plus adding “yeah” or “like we said” or “so there!”

Cena threatens, should he win the WWE Championship at the Royal Rumble, he will take the title and go home. He will sit at home as champion and RAW will be without a title. So, the WWE Championship could go undefended for months.

Uhm… does Cena not keep up with the current script? Seriously. Brock Lesnar IS the guy with the WWE Championship and sits at home, and, had not defended it for months. Here, WWE thinks to have Cena script exactly what is happening right now, and expect fans to consider it an actual threat? Oh, most WWE fans are stupid and have short-term memory problems. Thanks WWE.

Triple H then books the main event match, to take place right now, with Seth Rollins against John Cena in a Lumberjack match. If Cena wins, everyone gets their job back. If he loses, waaah.  Let’s see, all the Lumberjacks are heels, and there is constant interference. Guess what? Cena loses! Thanks to Big Show decking him with a KO punch ten minutes into the show. One has to wonder why this wasn’t just scripted to happen right after the bell? In any event, Authority gloats, Cena is sad.

Backstage: Stephanie mixes the Usos up while confronting them and Dean Ambrose. The Authority plans on dealing with any dissention, starting with Ambrose who must now talk to a shrink. This one is named Dr. Corbet. Ambrose is hypnotized by a ticking clock.

Back in the ring, we have The New Day taking on Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. Sadly, they have Adam Rose at ringside. Apparently, raided the closet of The Godfather, wearing a large green pimp coat. In any event, decent match, could not really get into it due to the bland performance from New Day members Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston. I will say however, the finish saw Woods with Kidd in a holding backbreaker while Kofi nailed him down with a double-stomp off the top rope was an awesome combo move for the pinfall victory. Would have liked to have seen more though. Even the crowd cheered more for Kidd and Cesaro.

Big Show comes out and cuts a ridiculously long promo which coincidentally enough, was ridiculous, and not in the good way. The rambling continued until he mention Roman Reigns, who then came out and botched the Jack and the Beanstalk story. Out comes Luke Harper to face off with Reigns.  Glad to see Harper carry a match. Sorry, I just do not see the big deal about Reigns. Yeah, he is a big guy with big moves, but his mic skills are below decent, and he is a playbook punch-punch-kick-kick-left-right-toggle-joystick. Harper dominated the match, even when he was on the defensive. Michael Cole must have wet his pants being able to cry out “Outta Nowhere!” as Reigns hit a spear on Harper for the win.

Backstage, Miz and Mizdow have a funny segment, Mizdow reveals production for his own documentary, featuring hidden cameras in the Miz’s home. Awesome.

Alicia Fox pins Naomi, who had one arm tied behind her back. No one cared.

Backstage, Dean Ambrose is shown various photos and is asked to say the first thing which comes to mind.

Ambrose: THURSDAY!

Dr. Corbet: Haven’t started yet. Shows Triple H.

Ambrose: Irritable Bowel Syndrome

*Shows Seth Rollins*

Ambrose: Scumbag

*Shows Roman Reigns*

Ambrose: Brutha

*Shows Kane*

Ambrose: TOOTHPASTE! ß Awesome nod to pre-Kane’s Dr. Issac Yankem DDS dentist gimmick from 1994

*Shows Hacksaw Jim Duggan*

Ambrose: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Shows Stephanie McMahon*

Ambrose: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alright, that last one we saw coming.

Constant barrage of clips featuring Randy Savage, but Michael Cole still harps on that it is only “expected” and not “confirmed.” Except then we see a commercial for the WWE Network airing a tribute to Macho Man this week. Sigh.

Paul Heyman brings out Brock Lesnar, and we get a video package featuring the so-called reigning and defending WWE Champion. Paul Heyman cuts a long promo about fantasy and reality, how we all thought Undertaker would never lose, Cena would never lose, how Rollins will never win, etc… Brock just stood there. Said no words. Perfect. This is why Heyman is great, he can take the verbally impaired and make them intimidating. Rabbi Paul Heyman could make my twin three-year-olds seem so intimidating, colleges would send admission letters now. Full scholarship.

Tonight’s main event is yet another contract signing. Cena, Brock, Rollins. Hopefully we will finally see one where they all just shake hands, wish each other good luck, and exit the ring in a respectful manner.

At this point, as much as I love Paul Heyman, WWE Monday Night has just become background noise. It is nearly 10pm, and we had only three matches, four if you count worthless Diva time.

At this point, I switch over and see the new trailer for Marvel’s Avengers.

Promo for Macho Man with various wrestlers doing their “Oooh yeah” impersonations.

Back in the ring, Jey Uso faces off with The Miz. Once again, because at this point I really do not have to say it, all eyes were on Damien Mizdow, who sells bumps better than Miz without actually getting hit. Miz wins via Skull Crushing Finale in a very fast, comedic match.

To kick off the third hour of RAW, we get Daniel Bryan in street clothes, so hope for a match have dropped faster than the stock market. Clip show of his forcing Batista to submit at Wrestlemania 30, which took place at the exact location of tonight’s RAW, in New Orleans. Stephanie interrupts to remind Bryan that an A-plus player would have stayed on top, and not carelessly get injured. Steph tries to play the mind-games routine, because that always works! Yep, Daniel Bryan says “you’re right” and just drags his feet out of the ring, moping all the way up the ramp, never to be seen again. Instead, he pitches the callback to Ambrose’s segment, calling Steph a “HOooooooOOOOooooOOOoooo!” Bryan promises to prove her wrong, except we learn Daniel Bryan will compete on SmackDown, against Kane. Kane and Bryan brawl for the remainder of the segment, announce team reminding us all it was Kane who caused Bryan’s injury.

Backstage, Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar have a staredown. I cannot believe I just typed this. Ever think Tyler Black from Ring of Honor would go nose-to-nose with a former UFC Champion in the main event of a pay-per-view? Paul Heyman calms tensions using the “unified against Cena” card. Except all seriousness from Rollins is lost as camera pans back to J&J Security. Because nothing says “I am main event material” like two washed up cruiserweights as lame security.

Brie defeats Paige via rollup after Tyson Kidd did something stupid. So he has to juggle both being a serious tag team wrestler and furthering Total Diva gimmicks. Poor guy.

Creepy Bray Wyatt promo. That’s it.

Finally, Michael Cole says they can now officially announce the first inductee into the 2015 WWE Hall of Fame, “Macho Man” Randy Savage. About damn time. He’s deserved it for years, and for whatever reason, WWE is finally able to get it done.

The Ascension cut a pre-taped promo. They then destroy more jobbers. JBL and Booker T put them down, saying they need to face a real team like The Usos or The Dusts. Uh… even the gullible fans know the opponents are scripted. Sigh.

Backstage: Dean Ambrose is taking notes while Dr. Corbet is crying on the couch. Ambrose cons him into signing off into allowing Ambrose into the Royal Rumble match. Funny stuff.

In the ring, Lana gloats about Ryback being fired, saving him the embarrassment of losing to Rusev. Well, she has a point, that is one way to kill a feud in short order. As Rusev rants on, he is interrupted by, well, Dean Ambrose! See WWE, you do know how to make a show entertaining, just have the Lunatic Fringe in every segment! Gold! On the WWE App, we find out this fight became an official match. Ambrose gets a lot of offense until Rusev targets the “injured leg” sustained in last week’s Ambulance Match. The referee stops the match when Ambrose is unable to stand on his own. Rusev hits a thrust kick post-match.

Well, that was lame. Is it just me or Rusev has not won a single match clean in months? Getting hard to keep him undefeated, isn’t it? When you go through everyone on the mid-card, and that includes defeating Zack Ryder eight times, you run out of ideas when you don’t want him to main event. Reference? See Goldberg in WCW.

We have our closing segment, a few minutes past the 11-o’clock hour. Stephanie should stop trying to be a ring announcer. Massive failing here. All three competitors come out, and boy does Rabbi Heyman cut a great promo, which cues some great banter between him and Seth Rollins. Very impressive mic work from Rollins putting himself on the same level as Brock and Cena, the latter cuts to the chase interrupting a verbally fumbling Lesnar from embrassing himself, promising an ass-kicking of his own at the Royal Rumble. This cues Rollins to imply using his Plan B, the MITB briefcase, as well as using it right then and there to attack Cena. Lesnar tosses both Cena and Rollins with German suplexes, but Cena winds up plowing Lesnar through a table with the Attitude Adjustment. The chaos then gives Seth an opening, hitting both Cena and Lesnar with Curb Stomps to close the show.

Wow, high marks to Rollins for carrying the segment. He owned the mic and the ensuing brawl. Very well done sir.

This week, no Wade Barrett. Sad. Next week on RAW is the RAW Reunion show, already announced are Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Scott Hall, and Shawn Michaels.