Suck It Up: True Blood, Season Finale

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This is it. The season finale. The end of my summer of torture. Here goes nothing…

After an entire season of shaping Alcide (Joe Manganiello) into the least likable person on the planet… we’re just supposed to like him again. Literally like nothing’s happened. I guess to be fair, Sookie (Anna Paquin) has no idea what’s been going on with Alcide as packmaster and might not even know he ever was packmaster or a huge douche. But seriously, huge 180 that just made me uncomfortable. Not to mention… he looked pretty rough. Almost like he had aged 20 years over the course of what was supposed to be about two weeks.

Then all the vampires came back to Bon Temps (even though they can’t all be from Bon Temps cause we’d know them already?) and threw a huge outdoor party. Fact: High day-walking vampires act and dance like they’re teenagers in the 50’s. If teenagers in the 50’s got naked and burned their clothes. …So like a weird combination between the 50’s and the 70’s. It was weird, but fun.

As it turns out, when they drank all of Bill’s (Stephen Moyer) blood it took the Lilith (Jessica Clark) out of him, and now he’s just Bill again. He seems sad to not be a scary freak of nature anymore. I guess it’s a power thing. But as actual Bill, he seriously regrets pressuring Sookie to agree to become Warlow’s vampire bride. This is pretty convenient, since Warlow turned out to be crazy and when Sookie was all, “Naw, bro, this is moving too fast. Let’s just like date for a while before I commit to you for forever.” Warlow was like, “WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?” and then choked her. Turns out he’s not such a good dude. …Shocking, considering all the other terrible and weird things he’s done. (JK, not that shocking.)

Don’t worry, though. Bill got there to save Sookie just in the nick of time. Also not very shocking, as everything that’s happened this season has been “just in the nick of time,” which sure, can be used once in a while. But every damn time? Snore.

Then there was a bit of a team effort and POOF: Warlow dead forever, just like that. Sookie and Jason got their Fairy Grandfather back. Eric… may have died. Get back to you on that. And then, pretty much as I suspected, we cut to six months later. True Blood always has a nasty habit of wrapping things up with the first half of the finale, and starting a new plot with the second half so you feel intrigued to watch the next season. When the show was actually well-written, it worked pretty well, though it was annoying. This year, I don’t think I’ll be biting.

Heh. Biting. Get it? Cause it’s a show about vampires?? Get it, guys? What do you mean, I’m not funny? I hate you all.

So remember, we’re now six months in the future. But think back to just 10 weeks ago when I nicknamed Alcide “Sookie’s One True Soulmate.” If you recall correctly, I soon took it back because he turned into an unattractive asshole. But… I guess I was right the first time? They’re together now. And he cut his hair and his abs came out and he’s attractive again. Realllllllly attractive again. But still, I wanted them to get together so badly before. Why did they have to wait until after they completely destroyed him and made him so disgustingly unlikable this season? Bitches be crazy. By bitches, I mean the writers room of True Blood, naturally.

The biggest difference between the beginning of the season and now is that at least now everything that’s happened actually makes sense. I think that’s why the last three episodes were a lot more watchable then the rest of the season. I understood what was going on, and there was little to no werewolf plot which was the absolute worst part of this season overall.

A couple notable things that happened after the six month jump. Jason and his new vampire babe Violet are still going strong. Their relationship makes me uncomfortable. Sam’s girlfriend, now six months pregnant, has a sizable bun in her oven. She will probably be a regular next season. Sam also gave Merlott’s to Arlene because he is now mayor of Bon Temps.

As mayor, Sam is helping make strides in the Vampire Holocaust aftermath to ensure the humans of his town are not carries for Hep-V. On top of that, he wants every human to pair up with a vampire, for mutual safety. The vampire can protect the human from the Hep-V infected vamps who are apparently running rampant and rabid, killing whoever they can get their hands on. The human can provide a safe blood source for the vampire. Basically now that the whole Nazi plot is over, we’re moving into symbiosis. They really are running out of ideas on this show.

Eric wasn’t mentioned again, and Pam is still out looking for him, which leads me to believe that he isn’t dead. I guess we’re supposed to wonder whether or not he’s dead and feel crazy all year waiting to find out but… I don’t particularly care either way, so…

There is one thing that really bothers me now that this season is over. The new fairy, Adelyn. She’s pretty cool and all. But in the span of the first two weeks of her life we saw her quickly grow from an infant to a 20-year-old. Then she just stopped aging. WHY? Are you telling me that fairies only age until they’re the perfect, pretty age? I cannot accept this.

Anywho that’s really it. Everything except the Eric thing wrapped up pretty nicely. Next season will start with a giant group of rabid vampires attacking a human party at the restaurant formerly known as Merlott’s, which will obviously show the reluctant humans that they really do need the symbiotic relationship with some cool, non-rabid vamps. Because True Blood doesn’t know how to surprise its audience anymore.

And she never watched True Blood again. The end.

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