Recap: The Last RAW of 2012

michael dworkis loves himself some lord tensai…

It’s New Year’s Eve! What the hell am I doing here writing a recap of a taped Monday Night Raw when I could be out partying?! The answer is, I have two kids under the age of two and I am tired. So since I am here for you, recapping a show you may or may not already know the results to, you should read it since I wrote it.

First off, a prediction I had been making for months has finally come true. Announced on, this week, Monday Night Raw was taped this past Saturday, and my man, the Bare-Knuckle Brawler, Wade Barrett has finally captured the Intercontinental Championship from Kofi Kingston. I have said it over and over, but this man deserves to wear gold. Truthfully, I said he would be a champion in 2013, so my wish came true a few days early. Onward to the show!

We kick off the last show of 2012 with Miz TV. Miz announces tonight, per order of Vickie Guerrero, will be a “Champion’s Choice” night, where every title will be on the line, but the champs choose the challengers. Now this will be interesting. Miz brings out his guest, John Cena. Apparently tonight’s main event is some sort of party with Ziggler’s Stable, and Cena is the guest of honor. Cena talks about loving the holidays, however is interrupted by Rick Rude and The Genius. Sorry, I meant “Ravishing” Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow. I love these guys. Mocking the childish antics of Cena and Miz, we are treated to our first match of the night, The Rhodes Scholars vs. Cena and Miz. Wow, former WrestleMania rivals turned tag-team partners, is this a trend?

John Cena & The Miz defeat The Rhodes Scholars
Cena is certainly upping his game. Surprisingly, these four had an incredible match, and lasted quite a long time. Cena scoring a number of throwing takedowns, clearly increasing the number of wrestling moves he knows. Sandow and Rhodes dominate a good portion of the match by double-teaming Miz, but even after a hot tagging to Cena, Rhodes and Sandow find a way to retain control. After an all-out brawl, Cena scored the Attitude Adjustment on Sandow to win the match.

Antonio Cesaro defends the United States Championship
This guy is getting better by the week. There is something about being on Raw… or actually being paired with main eventers that gets this guy the time to shine he sorely lacked on SmackDown. He cuts the usual heel-shtick by bad-mouthing Americans. Continuing the 80’s-90’s trend of gimmick recycling, I think he is getting close to either The Mountie or a heel Sgt. Slaughter… oh lord, his opponent tonight, IS Sgt. Slaughter!

Antonio Cesaro retained the U.S. Title against Sgt. Slaughter
Well, we almost saw the Cobra Clutch. The match was short, and after a second Neutralizer, puts the uber-heel exclamation mark on Cesaro. We should be thankful it was not Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Team Hell No (Kane & Daniel Bryan) defend the WWE Tag Team Championships against…
Backstage, Team Hell No ponders about their opponents, when they decide to go smash 3MB. Thankfully, they do. 3MB members Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre had some offense over Daniel Bryan, but when the Big Red Machine got the tag, it was all over. Bryan and Kane dominated the majority of the match, and post match they mocked the jobber trio by doing air guitars. Kane… did the air guitar. Awesome.
Winners and Still Tag Team Champions: Team Hell No

CM Punk and Paul Heyman make their way… limp their way, struggle… Anyway, after hobbling into the ring, Punk informs the WWE Universe that he is still unable to compete, so the rematch with Ryback at the first Raw of 2013 has to be scrapped. Heyman and Punk show the X-ray of his knee, claiming the doctors will not allow him to wrestle. The Masters of the Mic are interrupted by the one-and-only Vince McMahon. The Chairman again questions Punk and his possible relationship with corrupt referee-turned-wrestler Danny Dav… I mean Brad Maddox and his alleged alliance with The Shield. Punk and Heyman vehemently deny any involvement. Mr. McMahon then informs Punk that the match will be on, like it, or not. If Punk refuses to compete, Vince says he found a replacement… Paul Heyman.

Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler by Disqualification
Ziggler vs. Sheamus would look great as a future World Championship match. Unfortunately, this awesome match gets thrown out when The Shield decide to crash the party and beat down the Celtic Warrior. Boooooo!

Punk and Heyman are arguing backstage, when Brad Maddox asks them for a job. They kick his rear to the curb. Also backstage, Kofi Kingston and Wade Barrett have a little verbal altercation… Gee, I wonder who Kofi will choose to defend his title against.

Eve vs. Kaitlyn goes to a No-Contest
Eve came out and challenged Mae Young, but she was not backstage. Eve attempted to leave but Kaitlyn volunteered to take the open contendership spot. Instead of a match, we got a brawl. Why do I see Kaitlyn vs. Eve at WrestleMania?

The Big Show defends his World Heavyweight Championship against…
Alberto del… wait, he’s wearing the ring announcer suit. No. No way… Alberto is doing the ring entrance, then who is driving the… oh my lord it is Ricardo Rodriguez! This is funny stuff. The match does not go anywhere as Alberto del Rio beats up Big Show, giving him the DQ win over Ricardo. Show retains, and I see a feud developing.
Winner and Still World Heavyweight Champion by DQ: The Big Show

Kofi Kingston defends the Intercontinental Championship against Wade Barrett
Decently paced match saw two guys who should be mainstays in WWE for a few more years. To be honest, unless they really give Kingston the gimmick-makeover or push him to WWE or World Title contendership, I do not know how much gas is left in the tank. Look at Rey Mysterio, they push and push, but the fans are tired of him. They tried with Sin Cara, and the fans care even less when he is NOT injured. In any event, Barrett bested Kofi, in a good, and I will say it, a clean match. Sure Barrett is a brawler, but his time to shine is now.
Winner and new Intercontinental Champion: Wade Barrett

The Shield vs. Ryback went to a No-Contest
What is going on with all these cliffhangers tonight? Rollins, Ambrose, and Reigns beat down Ryback before getting to the ring. Ryback, unable to withstand a three-man assault lay helpless until Sheamus and Randy Orton charge them and chase the justice-serving trio away. Ryback, Sheamus, and Orton stand tall in the ring, and I cannot be the only one to ask if this seems a little too weird.

Well, the main event is here. It is not a match, but Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee with Ryblack… uh, I mean Big E. Langston with them. They take the time to talk about their guest of honor, John Cena. They show clips of all his worst moments of 2012, and this is damn funny because Cena had quite a few of them. Highlighting the Brock Lesnar debacle, and Big Show knocking Cena out. After the show, Ziggler and AJ decide they do not want an all-year loser at their party, so Cena and his invitation can just go home. Cena of course, comes out anyway and talks about how many people AJ has hooked up with this year. Apparently, AJ has mothered quite a few kids in a short period of time, and Cena shows off babies with various wrestler faces. Har Har.

Cena announces he is entering the 2013 Royal Rumble, and guess what, that means he will face the champ at WrestleMania. But that is not all Cena is leaving Ziggler and AJ with… As what appears to be human toilet droppings (or poop) plummets from the ceiling and covers the appalled duo, and Big E. gets some as well. Well, 2012 ends with a stink, but hopefully 2013 will be an exciting lemon-scented year of some good clean fun.

What the hell did I just say? Well, go out, have some fun, but not too much since most of you need to be back at school or work on January 2nd. Don’t be like Grumpy Tensai.