Review: WWE Elimination Chamber 2013

michael dworkis is locked in a cage…

 

The internet makes me laugh. I report WWE based on what I see, and not what I read online. I have speculated that Randy Orton will make a heel turn in the future. I laugh when I see so-called “insider” websites change their tune almost daily. I read how Ziggler will cash in and then Jericho will win the chamber. Then it is Sheamus winning the title somehow and Orton makes a heel turn so they feud towards a Mania main event. These rumors are shot down so fast when WWE does nothing to progress towards any of those guesses. You know what makes sense to me? I will tell you, and the proof is that it happened just this past week on Raw. Zeb Colter and Swagger do a promo where they hate immigrants, they defend America. It is the perfect set up. You have Alberto del Rio, the Mexican Aristocrat and now the uber-American patriot, Jack Swagger.

My prediction – JACK SWAGGER will win the Chamber. It is the Eddie Guerrero vs. JBL of 2013 gimmick.

Pre-Show: Brodus Clay & Tensai defeated The Rhodes Scholars
Well, what do you do when you have two big monsters and nothing creative in mind? Pair them up as a tag team and let the WWE Universe give them a name. In a match more to give these four guys a paycheck, the two dancing fat guys win the match after Sandow and Rhodes miscommunicated and wound up getting squashed.

The Big Show vs. Alberto del Rio – World Heavyweight Championship Match
Show is ticked off. After being swindled out of regaining the title on a few occasions, he puts on the game face to reclaim his gold. The champion makes his way out, smiles all around, and he steps into the ring with the giant himself. The two go at it from the opening bell, Big Show exerting his physical dominance early, but the Mexican Aristocrat fires back. Show and del Rio go back and forth, and Alberto puts on one hell of a show, attempting mat-based holds on the former champion. Show rages on, overpowering Del Rio and for a while it seems he may regain the title. Suddently del Rio strikes back and hard, and tries locking on the cross-armbreaker, but Show powers out! Show irate, charges, but collides with the corner, and Del Rio hits not one, but THREE consecutive enziguiri kicks! Show collapses, and Alberto del Rio locks on the cross-armbreaker again! Show struggles but it is too much, even for the giant and he is forced to tap out!!
Winner by Submission, and still World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto del Rio

Wow. What a match! Every time Big Show and Alberto del Rio have match, it is even better than the first. I think at this point, their feud is over since the winner of the chamber match later on will face Del Rio at WrestleMania 29 for the title.

The Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro for the United States Championship
Miz is taped up due to some sort of injury. Cesaro takes the fight early to the injured area, but Miz fights back and the crowd is firmly behind The Awesome One, as he wears down Cesaro with a barrage of punches and kicks, and even a backbreaker. Miz rallies fast and goes for the figure-four, but he “trips” and winds-up falling, knee-first and clobbers Cesaro in the nuts. Yeah, ref calls for the DQ and Cesaro retains. Uhm, that, was terrible. We know past few weeks The Miz had difficulty applying the figure-four, but this is a joke.
Winner and still United States Champion by DQ: Antonio Cesaro

Post match: Miz punts one between the uprights of Cesaro, hard enough that Cesaro felt that before their rematch next week. Still, lame.

Elimination Chamber Match – Number One Contendership for the World Heavyweight Championship, Winner Will Face Albero del Rio at WrestleMania 29
Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton

Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan start the match, and we get some great mat wrestling between the two. The two trade holds, each man trying to lock the other in their respective submission finishers but neither can gain the advantage. Swagger enters the ring and starts throwing everyone around with amateur takedowns and throwing slams. Swagger has a number of near falls, but both Jericho and Bryan stay alive. Jericho hits a lionsault, but Swagger powers out of a pin, but Jericho goes for the Walls. Bryan tries for the No-Lock, but Jericho powers out as well. Time runs out, and Kane enters the match! Kane and Bryan act like a team, taking down Jericho and Swagger, but Bryan attempts to roll up Kane for a quick win, and the Big Red Machine is not happy. Bryan wants a hug, but Kane refuses. After a Yes-No exchange, Jericho and Swagger return and action continues. The buzzer hits and Orton enters the ring, clearing house, because he is Randy Orton. Powerslams, DDTs, that weird-reverse-over-the-back-neckbreaker, head shakes and arm-flaps reign down on the remaining superstars, until all men are laid out following a dual top-rope superplex and Mark Henry stews in his pod, waiting like a true caged animal. Finally, the timer hits zero and Mark Henry unleashes his rage, flattening everyone. He catches Bryan off the ropes and crushes him with the World’s Strongest Slam, pinning and eliminating him from the match. Kane attempts a leap of his own, and winds out suffering the same fate. Henry mauls everyone until Jericho and Swagger double suplex Henry on the metal grating area outside the ring, and then eats a big running boot from Swagger, followed a Codebreaker by Jericho and finally Orton pins Henry after spiking him with the RKO to get the pin. Henry leaves the chamber, but the rushes back in and hits the remaining three superstars with World’s Strongest Slams. Swagger brawls with Orton, and Jericho gets back into the fray, but eats and RKO from Orton! He covers, and Jericho is gone! Orton has eliminate… SWAGGER ROLLS UP ORTON! ONE! TWO! THREE! It’s Over! SWAGGER WINS! SWAGGER IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!! I TOLD YOU! I SAID SO DAMN IT! I SAID SO!
Winner by Pinfall in an Awesome Elimination Chamber Match: JACK SWAGGER

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston
Ziggler comes out and whines about not being on the card. SmackDown GM Booker T comes out and recifies that by sending Kofi Kingston to the ring. Short but good match, Ziggler wins after a colossal top rope forward suplex and the Zig Zag. When will Ziggy cash in??
Winner by Time Killer Filler: Dolph Ziggler

Backstage: Brodus Clay and his Funadactyls play with the new WWE figures. Tensai is appaled at being called “Sweet-T” by Clay. They ask what his face tattoos mean, and he says it is supposed to be an ancient Japanese war saying, but “knowing my luck, it’s probably a sushi menu.” Wow. What a way to kill off your own gimmick. GOOD. Maybe A-Train will be back soon.

Kaityln defeats Tamina Snuka to retain the Diva Title
I expected a decent match, and I got nothing close. What the hell happened? Snuka dominated until she missed the Superfly splash, and then ate a spear and was pinned.

The Shield defeated John Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback
You might wonder why I am not giving this a full-on paragraph. I began watching the match, and typed as I saw fit. Within minutes I became bored and began surfing eBay for vintage Transformer parts I need. Why? Typical Cena match. He gets beaten on, then hot-tags to Ryback. Ryback cleans house. Ryback is about to crush Seth Rollins with Shell-Shock, but out-of-nowhere Cena runs in to hit the Attitude Adjustment on Ambrose. While Cena soaks up some spotlight, Reigns spears Ryback, sending Rollins crashing down, and as a result, Ryback is pinned while stands there with a dumb look on his face. So they are going with the Cena is a glory-hog route? Ryback storms away from the ring while Sheamus tends to whatever wounds he has on the outside… Did he even enter the match at all? The only highlight I can think of is when Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback hit three vertical suplexes each on a Shield member.

The Rock defeated CM Punk to retain the WWE Championship
I did not even need to detail this one. You did not even have to read a dirtsheet to know the outcome. The match was terrible. I felt bad for CM Punk, mostly having to resort to rest holds and low-impact moves. They did this thing at the end, and “thing” is the best word I could come up with, because I have no idea what they were going for. Ref number one gets knocked out when Punk throws Rock into the ref. Punk hits Go-to-Sleep but no ref to count the pin. Ref number two comes out as Rock hits a spinebuster followed by the People’s Elbow and covers, but Punk kicks out. Ref #2 gets injured when Punk steps on his foot by accident. I am not making that up. You should know, a requirement to be a referee in WWE is to have brittle bones and the strength of a goldfish. The third ref is in time to count after Rock hits a second Rock Bottom. The premise, the stipulation was that if The Rock got counted out or disqualified, he would lose the title. So, why didn’t Heyman bring a four-year old into the ring to kick Punk in the ankles, thus resulting in the disqualification victory?

 

In any event, the two decent matches of the night came in the early stages of the event. I should have turned it off after the Elimination Chamber match, but I still have to entertain you fans with a full recap. How nice is that?

With the Road to WrestleMania now in full swing, we will hopefully find out if The Undertaker will actually compete at Mania, the Del Rio/Swagger feud will begin, and The Shield will get another couple months rest after this clearly exhausting match before wrestling again. You know what, give Cena off and let The Shield members wrestle. We know they CAN.

 

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