Raw Recap: The Slammys (December 9, 2013)

Have you ever heard of a Championship Ascension? Me neither. For a moment I thought I was going to see the Ascension from NXT. Nope. Not so lucky. What it means, it they take the titles, and raiiiiiiiise them into the sky while fairest sing and angels play harps.

Not even close. You see, in WWE it means two championships are raised as the crowd cheers during a brawl breaking out beneath. More on this later. Why later? Because once I cover the epic conclusion to RAW, you won’t care about the other matches which you likely did not care for in the first place because we had our annual…

… SLAMMY AWARDS! Yes! The one night a year (maybe) where no one pays attention to actual wrestling (maybe) and gives full-on attention to meaningless (maybe) awards mostly used as a Macguffin for the next few months (maybe).

Maybe you care enough but did not watch the show, so it is my solemn duty to give you a great recap.

We start off with Fandango joining the A-list job squad as he is utterly trounced by Daniel Bryan. By the way, RAW was in his home-state of Washington. Not that it matters because he is only the most popular guy ever. Fandango is destroyed, but Bryan’s celebration is cut short as Bray Wyatt appears with yet another join-us-or-else ultimatum which will carry towards TLC this Sunday. That’s right, Daniel Bryan vs. The Entire Wyatt Family.

The LOL Moment of the Year Slammy went to The Rock for some Rock-a-long Crap Concert. Highlight was truly from the New Age Outlaws in their amazingly bright neon tuxedos.

Damien Sandow beat Santino Marella. Way to push a title contender.

The “Double-Cross of the Year” Slammy went to Shawn Michaels after he clocked Daniel Bryan in his match with Randy Orton over the WWE Championship. The Shield showed more tension, so likely to see more dissension in the ranks at TLC. Shawn jokes about how he always does something crazy.

Kofi Kingston lost to The Miz yet again, but this time we get more anger from the high-flyer. JBL notices this and remarks on quite a bit on commentary. Usually JBL doesn’t notice anything. I mentioned some time ago a more aggressive Kofi Kingston stepped up a few years ago during a feud with Randy Orton, and it seems this side may be slowly resurfacing. Get rid of the light blue tights Kofi, can’t take that seriously.

The presentation for the Diva of the Year Slammy got interesting, mostly because a guest appearing Eve sounded ridiculously bored and one has to wonder whether The Bellas won the award legitimately or not. Was it a ruse to push more Total Divas? I can’t believe WWE would put any more effort into that waste of a program, and they would even risk the credibility of a fan-voted Slammy event being a façade.

Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Big Show & Rey Mysterio defeated The Real Americans and… Axelback? Rybaxel? What are they calling them? Sounds like one of my prescriptions. In any case, this was a great match, and further proof the tag team formula works wonders for WWE right now.

The Superstar of the Year Slammy goes to, well duh, Daniel Bryan. Presented to him by Shawn Michaels, we were treated to a respectful staredown, and a reminder from Bryan “if it wasn’t for Shawn, I’d be WWE Champion right now.” Tough words, but also plants hope for us Bryan will go after the WWE Championship sometime soon, and his feud with The Authority is not quite over yet.

In what became a popular Tweet #RawIsHunico and demands for Sin Cara to be Superstar of the Year since he apparently is still in two places at once. I dunno, Rick Rude did that at one time also! He didn’t get a Slammy for it. In any case, JBL, clearly having one-too-many again stated “this is a new Sin Cara” but I’m sure he was referring to his wrestling style. Sin Cara chalks up yet another win as Alberto del Rio not only loses, but also winds up with a concussion. I’m thinking just the name of Sin Cara alone is cursed.

The Fan Participation Award, otherwise best chanted catchphrase went to… Daniel Bryan! YES! YES! YES! Prime Time Players were particularly amusing.

Brodus Clay destroyed Xavier Woods in minutes. Everyone watches in horror as Angry Clay emerges and pulverizes the kid. Yay New Clay!

Puzzling to see The Miz present the next award. Wasn’t he knocked loopy by Kingston earlier? Seems just fine now. Stephanie McMahon wins the Insult of the Year Slammy, and this is the part where I am convinced they are just making awards up as they go along.

CM Punk defeated Dean Ambrose in a good match, but the highlight was watching The Shield implode. No need to wait for TLC, this just happened. Shield still gets the job done taking out CM Punk, but it is very likely Punk will come out of his own 3-on-1 encounter as the victor due to a collapsing Shield. Good momentum, as Mick Foley comes out to present the Most Extreme Moment award, which goes to CM Punk for throttling Paul Heyman at Hell in the Cell. Punk, unlike Miz, does sell his recent match, hobbling out holding his ribs. He admits to feelin’ weird about accepting an award without wearing any pants. God Bless CM Punk.

The Wyatts defeated The Usos in an incredible tag match. Wow. Usos are insanely over, Wyatts are insanely creepy. I love Rowan and Harper, they bring both the dark dangerous aura into the ring and then execute with both strong wrestling and in-ring behavior which tells an incredible story. Usos almost had the win with the big splash. Rowan fires one Uso like a missile into the announce table, then eats a huge superkick from the remaining Uso who then is turned inside out by running lariat from Harper which emits squeals and giggling from JBL over his love of clotheslines.

Bret Hart presented the Slammy for Match of the Year… going to John Cena and The Rock from WrestleMania 29. Really? That beat CM Punk vs. Undertaker? Just shows who is voting and who even downloaded the damn WWE App. Of note, Bret’s speech was very sincere. Scripted or not, I would take anything this man says seriously. Cena’s speech sucked. Just like his match at WrestleMania 29.

Natalya beat Tamina, again. With a gazillion wins in a row, it seems Natalya is finally getting a shot at the Diva Title. This has been pushed for months by WWE, I think it is time for the belt to finally hang on the waist of someone else.

Now, the main event. It starts off as a comedy, because for this special Championship Ascension, the belts are surrounded by former champions, which include past champs like: Booker T, Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, modern-day champs like Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry, and Daniel Bryan. Then we have The Great Khali. REALLY?! YOU PICKED HIM TO REPRESENT?! Why not just invite David Arquette? Yes, he held the title. WHO CARES? Mark Henry was there watching his chances of ever being WWE or World Champion fly away, Miz was staring at two belts he will never compete for again, Christian and Dolph Ziggler nod in agreement how their title reigns were result of either good timing or a favor owed. Bret and Shawn must have sat back talking about how those belts meant something during their day. CM Punk and Daniel Bryan looked at each other and probably agreed with Hart and Michaels. In any case, Triple H blah blahed about how this is a pivotal moment in WWE history. Cena and Orton said their speeches, with Cena being a bit more antagonistic. So, as the belts were raised above the ring, Orton fired a punch at Cena and a brawl broke out. Hey look! Jack Swagger was there too! Man! They rolled out ANYONE who wore the World Title! Cena and Orton are held back, but not before Orton punches CM Punk in the face. Punk, doesn’t like that and start wailing away on Orton. Suddenly, a wild Triple H appears and clocks Punk! Punk slugs Triple H but then is knocked into next week by a superkick from Michaels! The crazy doesn’t end there as Michaels is then blasted by a running knee from Daniel Bryan! Orton is about to spike Bryan with the RKO but Bryan shoves him off, colliding with Stephanie McMahon! Triple H becomes enraged and spikes Randy Orton with the Pedigree! Cena, Kane, and Triple H help Stephanie back to her feet as Orton, somehow still able to sit up looks on in disbelief. Cena… with The Authority?

Well, unless you in the live audience stayed. Booker T then brought back CM Punk in his underwear to perform the Worst Spinaroonie Ever, followed up by Stephanie McMahon doing a not at all bad one herself.