BB: It’s a rainy Tuesday night in New Jersey and “the real men” who watch reality TV are imbibing in some spirits, like true pirates, and watching Bravo’s nautical series, Below Deck.
By the way Luke, what are you imbibing on for this review? I’m partaking in a brand new bottle of Señor John Jameson.
LK: This show has everything a rocking pirate drama has. Except you replace pirates with spoiled losers, the open seas with constant coast, and absolutely no swashbuckling. Basically, it’s boring as shit.
I partook in a glass of champagne but that’s basically it. I had family over.
BB: Luke, if you’re reviewing a Bravo series, you must use the lingo. It’s “champs” good brother.
LK: My apologies. A glass of “champs.”
BB: Now Luke, we actually see these guys do work…right?
LK: Yes! We did. Specifically, Ben the Chef. Ben was a hardcore work horse who literally kept this entire ship afloat while people like Andrew goofed about.
BB: After a healthy course of whiskey throughout the episode, part of me actually wanted to hire Ben to come over and cook for me. I mean, “mozzarella bechamel!” Holy get in my belly Batman that sounds amazing!!!
LK: He’s the undeniable star. All his food looked delicious!
BB: I love how he gets super-frustrated later in the season, when during this premiere episode he was told “no fruits and vegetables” and he had to make cheeseburgers and chicken fingers. One would think his inner Gordon Ramsey would have flared up much sooner. By the way, Gordon Ramsay is a misunderstood genius. #theloveboat
LK: This show needs Gordon Ramsay to whip these people into shape. None of these people actually did anything resembling work once the actual ship set sail.
BB: Hey man, what about Captain Hair Plugs McTurkey Neck? That man took no shit!
LK: But that doesn’t make him a Captain. It makes him a Dad with a bunch of annoying kids. Who…want to sleep together. Bad analogy.
BB: Who’d win in a fight, Captain Hook or Captain McTurkey Neck?
LK: Captain Hook by a mile. Seriously, no contest.
BB: Incorrect. Captain Steuben would win. Because he’s the captain of the loooooooooooooove boat, soon we’ll be making another passsssage.
LK: This show is a basically a wannabe Love Boat. #truth.
BB: Favorite moment of the show? Older Southern Belle doing an Austin Powers voice asking the young dude, “Do I make you horny baby?” That line hasn’t been used since #1997. Which means it’s a surefire way to have sex with a younger man. True story?
LK: That was when the show got unreasonably bizarre. It was the pinnacle of sexual tension and it happened halfway through the episode. Insane.
BB: And man, they did a blatant job of setting up sexual tension between the crew. Our hero, the chef, and uber-stew Kate…I mean he basically asked, “Hey do you have a boyfriend? Cause we should totally scrub the poop deck.”
LK: One of the girls literally said that she had a boyfriend, but would feel temptation around her roommate. Cool! What a great thing to put on a show that potentially jealous boyfriends will watch if their girlfriends are on.
BB: The show didn’t care too much about that girl, she was irrelevant by minute 30. #wompwomp
LK: I mean, she did mention that she was a minority for being a girl in the very beginning, but now it’s clear she’s a minority because she has a minority of the scenes.
BB: Oh man, how could I forget #PortholeGate!!
LK: When your show is on a boat with zero plot, I guess that’s the pinnacle of drama. It’s a good thing Andrew is around. He literally only exists to create pointless conflict in a show that needs it.
BB: Oh Andrew, you silly, cougar-loving beast. He and his circa 2002 comb over makes me smile.
LK: Bill, that’s offensive to comb overs. Give the timeless hairstyle some respect.
BB: Sorry that wasn’t Bill talking, that was John Jameson. John gets a lil’ silly sometimes. Andrew’s about as useful as a 15th nipple.
LK: Oh John, you wild man! Always around to make our lives better and worse simultaneously. But yes. Andrew is a waste of space.
BB: The crazy thing was that they ended the entire episode with this! It’s like a friggin’ Keyzer Soze moment. It was such a small, inconsequential thing and then, BOOM, we’re finished? I know I’m a little drunk, but that just doesn’t jive.
LK: It was an incredibly awkward jump cut for sure. But then again, that’s what this show needs to seem “exciting”.
BB: So, what you’re saying is, Below Deck is the definition of “poop deck?”
LK: It literally is a poop deck. Someone even ran away yelling “number 2!” I like a good poop joke but that’s too highbrow for this show.
BB: Poop indeed, sir. Poop indeed.
LK: So I guess the ship has sailed Bill. Below Deck is officially lower quality than a poop joke. What season is this? Whatever it is, it’s too long.
Below Deck airs every Tuesday night on Bravo.