Tonight, JBL goes full heel-mode, as he goes on a tear on commentary tonight. He starts off by bashing Chris Jericho as the Highlight Reel is introduced. He begins to introduce his guest, someone who has been handed everything, except it is not just Randy Orton who comes out, but Kane, Seth Rollins, and Triple H. Camera must show Jericho pouting at the entrance. The Game and Y2J exchange jabs at each others’ wardrobe until Triple H opts to cut to business, saying how he has reviewed the SummerSlam main event over and over, which we can also do by ordering the WWE Network for $9.99 a month. Wow. Bad cheap plug. Jericho makes fun of him for being an ass about it. Funny, they also call refer to Kane as “Corporate Kane” during the segment.
Triple H announces he plans on making a new number one contender, which cues Orton and Kane to make their play, except the crowd goes nuts for Des Moines hometown hero, Seth Rollins as he asks for the match against Brock Lesnar. Jericho figures he might as well ask, but of course, John Cena comes out and goes bat-nut crazy. He says he will sue Triple H if he gives away his match. Lots of shots taken, until Orton takes one at Roman Reigns, which just brings the former Shield member out to threaten everyone in the ring. Triple H orders a six-man main event tag match between The Authority against John Cena, Chris Jericho, and Roman Reigns.
Interesting storyline, Triple H threatening to take Cena out of the WWE Title match at Night of Champions. Very interesting. I believe there was a CM Punk chant at some point.
Our first match is full of awesome. Miz and Cesaro up against Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler. Miz is wearing sunglasses while on the ring apron, and is accompanied by his makeup artist and Damien “Stunt Double” Sandow. Miz pulling the Hollywood arrogance gimmick is working wonders for him. The Miz is a jerk. It is his base metal. That is his core, arrogant jerk, which is what made him famous in the first place and a successful WWE Champion. Still doing his best to cover his face, eats about 20 chest strikes. Cesaro nails a great fallaway slam, holding and converting it into a pin attempt. Crowd pops huge when Ziggles gets the hot tag. Miz retreats by calling in his stunt double, however Sandow eats a Zig Zag for getting involved. Unfortunately, this allowed for The Miz to splatter Ziggler with the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
We get a glimpse of something really messed up called Growing Up Bella, and we get recaps of Brie Bella crying over and over. I’m crying for having not fast forwarded through.
In a continuation of the time waster, we then get some sort of six-Diva tag match which lasts all of three minutes until the ref DQ’s everyone for brawling. No one cared.
In what WWE actually billed as the “1400 Pounds of Humanity” match, we have Big Show and Mark Henry going up against Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. My wife still gets chills when the Wyatt’s theme hits, the child singing “He’s got the whole world…” Harper is good at crazy eyes. Rusev and Lana come get an up-close look at the match. Once again Erick Rowan pulls off an impressive body slam on the Big Show. Show and Henry get ready to end the match, except as Henry sets Harper up for the World’s Strongest Slam, Rusev jumps in a kicks Henry in the face, ending the match by DQ. Harper and Rowan retreat as Show chases everyone off with a chair. Rusev and Lana are happy though.
Evi Says: “Why there are cross-dressers in the audience?” I point out those were fans dressed as Macho Man Randy Savage, Ric Flair, and The Ultimate Warrior. Her reply… “That doesn’t answer my question.”
Another segment featuring Nikki Bella whining about how Brie stole her car or something and crashed it. Honestly, I think this more about showing Nikki’s plastic enhancements as close as possible to the camera.
Another lengthy promo recapping John Cena and his demand for a rematch at Night of Champions.
Way too many promos tonight, too many time wasters.
Thankfully, Paul Heyman arrives in time to bring the show back to watchable status. Heyman cuts a great promo recapping his defeat at the hands of Brock Lesnar. Heyman goes over recent events regarding the Hall of Famers and Triple H advising Cena to back away from the rematch. Heyman calls Cena someone who just can’t just let it go.
Evi Says: “Brock has the greatest job in the world… He doesn’t have to a damn thing. Paul Heyman does the work while Lesnar is at home doing whatever the $%&# he wants.”
True. Since Brock has been champion, we haven’t seen that shiny new belt much.
Zeb Colter is back with Jack Swagger. Recap of SmackDown where Bo Dallas caused Jack Swagger to lose yet again to Rusev. The Real American now feuds with the Master Motivator, Bo Dallas, while Rusev moves up towards Mark Henry. While Jack Swagger makes short work of Curtis Axel, the antagonizing Dallas brings three “fans” to the stage, all sitting and watching as Axel taps to the Patriot Lock. Turns out these “fans” are those who were “let down” by Swagger when he lost to Rusev. Apparently Richie lost his farm on a bet, Angelo failed his citizenship test due to depression, while Jennifer has a son who now idolizes Vladimir Putin. Guess we don’t need Lana anymore to put Russia over. Bo Dallas then tells everyone to Bo-Lieve.
Well, I am stunned by this insanity. What is more stunning is seeing Adam Rose back in the ring, this time against one of my boys, Titus O’Neal, accompanied by Heath Slater, even though he isn’t wanted by Titus. Apparently the Bunny freaks out Slater. Slater and the Bunny brawl on the outside, distracting Titus, which allows Rose to roll him up for the win.
What in the hell was the point of all of this? JBL says if he has one Clothesline from Hell left, he would take off the Bunny’s head. I agree.
After another pointless segment with Nikki Bella, we now get a “Match We Haven’t Seen in the Past Three Weeks” which is Alexander Rusev making guacamole out of Zack Ryder. Seriously, I think this is the sixth or seventh time Ryder has jobbed to Rusev on Monday Night RAW. Mark Henry lumbers out after the match is over to chase the Russians away.
I have to say, the Russian antagonist gimmick is working very well, the live crowd hates him, and when a guy like Henry gets on the mic to throw a challenge, the crowd gets hyped up. Mark Henry is opening an International Section of the Hall of Pain… Guess who he wants to make the first inductee!
Stephanie McMahon comes out and introduces Nikki Bella. Nikki is wearing something out of Eva Marie’s whorish closet. Steph awards Nikki with a Divas Title match. Brie comes out to air out her grievances. The Bella blowhards are thankfully interrupted by AJ Lee. Who is then interrupted by Paige. CM Punk chants erupt. AJ gets right into Stephanie’s face, reminding her she is the number one contender. Nikki tells her sister to quit, and everything just erupts into a stupid brawl. Brie is dressed all decent, while Nikki is the whore. Nice contrast while AJ just skips around the ring with the title until stopped by Steph. This is brutal.
I agree with the guy in the crowd with the sign reading “I could be home watching Nitro.”
Evi Says: “So, tonight’s theme is getting as many people in the ring as possible, and not even wrestle.”
Bray Wyatt cuts a creepy promo on Chris Jericho, as it is announced they will collide next week in a Steel Cage.
Recap from last week showing Goldust and Stardust flipping out over their count-out victory against the The Usos in a Tag Team Title match. Tonight we get Goldust up against Jimmy Uso. Goldust attempts to apologize for last week, but the Usos don’t want to hear it as they brawl. Very interesting storyline here, both teams serving as the aggressive babyfaces. Cody sabotages a pin attempt by putting his brother’s leg over the ropes. Jey Uso gets involved, Jimmy goes after Cody, but the distraction allows Goldust to hit the Final Cut on Jimmy for the win. Post match, The Dusts go crazy by cracking a chair over the injured leg of Jey Uso. Crowd still cheers. Perhaps The Dusts are more popular with the fans than the Usos now?
The Promo From Hell – Total Divas Season 3 is starting this Sunday. Aw hell.
Backstage: Big Show congratulates Mark Henry on getting some payback on Alexander Rusev. However, Henry informs Show he is not focusing on tag team action, but wants to put Rusev in his place once and for all, and has to go at it alone. Big Show respects the decision, but is not happy about it. Awwwww.
Triple H and Stephanie McMahon come sit at ringside for our main event match. Y2J seems to have technical difficulties with his Lite-Brite jacket. Kane comes out to the fire and brimstone theme, but is rocking some great suit pants and generic elbow pads. Just call him Mr. Jacobs and be done with it already. The Kane character is as dead as The Undertaker’s streak. WWE Creative abused the gimmick with the mask, and destroyed its novelty. At least we see the trend of having an actual main event match as the main event is still going. Crowd chants of JBL during the match. Huh. Seth Rollins also getting big cheers, as well as some “you can’t wrestle” directed towards Randy Orton. Love it when the “let’s go Cena” vs. “Cena sucks” chants go when Cena is still on the ring apron. Slow match, heels getting most of the offensive ring time. Interesting moment when Reigns makes a hot tag, Cena stretches out but Reigns tags in Jericho instead. Brawl ensues with signature moves being hit left a right, Cena finally hits a sloppy Attitude Adjustment on Kane while Jericho and Rollins put on a show. At one point as Jericho attempts a hot tag, Cena shouts something to Reigns about letting him get the tag. There’s the hook folks, it’s about Cena not being tagged in. Waaah. He finally gets the tag, cleans house and then tags Roman Reigns in to hit the Spear on Kane for the win? Wahuh? Cena wants in the ring so badly to prove his point but then tags in someone else to make the pin and win? This makes no sense. You can’t push Cena if he is pushing someone else on TV.
Overall, this was a confusing episode of RAW. I felt it was three hours of nothing. The only angles seeing any push was the Divas division, Swagger/Dallas, and Henry/Rusev. The main event only added more confusion and little resolution. Perhaps that is the point. Would WWE put Brock in a Fatal-Four or Six-Way? Doubtful if they want to keep the belt on him. They are hyping up next week’s RAW hard.
An invitation open to Michael Sam, former St. Louis Rams player to appear on RAW. Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns. Big matches. Michael Cole plays up “John Cena showing the Authority” and I say, showing what exactly? All they had him do was hit his standard moves, which took all less than a minute, and then tag in Roman Reigns for the pin and win. How does THAT show The Authority anything? I guess most fans are not paying that much attention anyway. I should stop nitpicking, shouldn’t I?
Evi Says: “Yes, cut it out.”