BB: This week on Real Men Talk Reality TV we tune into our first show on that bastion of pop culture — the E! Network. And what better show to really sink our teeth into that than by watching The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills AKA #RichKids, the home of the hashtag.
LK: Bill this show is basically everything that is wrong with television. Literally, the reason these kids are on TV is because they’re rich sacks of human garbage. They have done nothing to earn success, and now this show is just adding fuel to their insipid lifestyles. Can you tell I hated nearly everything about it?
BB: The basis of the episode is the “gang” is going camping. Why does every single reality series about a group of people bonded together by the flimsiest of reasons HAVE to go on a trip together…even when they hate other?
LK: It’s simply an easy way to bring in some pointless drama, which there actually wasn’t a lot of surprisingly. But what better way to show how insanely sheltered these kids are than by making them do something that actually involves going outdoors? Apparently, this also warranted watching the girls go to the bathroom. I don’t get it.
BB: Apparently according to one of the cast members “Camping is like Quaker Oats (#productplacement). It’s wholesome.” Well, also it makes you poop and we got a very extended think tank segment about pooping in the woods. #thethingsyoulearn
LK: This episode really hit me on many levels too because I went camping a lot as a kid. It’s really not that difficult to do. I guess that makes me “Bear Grylls” level in their eyes.
BB: And according to E.J., Bear Grylls is really hot. So, by association, E.J., who is a mountain of an individual (seriously the guy is just immense in size and stature), thinks you’re hot. #mancandy
LK: I said “Bear Grylls” level.
BB: Nope, he thinks your hot. #youabear
LK: Then I guess I should be thankful. #falco #starfox
BB: While EJ is a bit (and by a bit I mean he is) of a caricature, he actually was the voice of reason in one of the most “that took a turn” scenes in reality television history.
LK: You know, he actually was. It almost made me forget that my first impression of him was, “Wow that smile is so wide he looks like The Joker.”
BB: To recap what happened was, one of the other gay cast members met his online “friend” who he either met on Tinder or Grinder (they didn’t remember) and then a playful joke turned into a freak out then into a catfight, then a complete “Come at Me Bro” Jersey Shore-level let’s do this attempt at a brawl.
LK: I had no idea what was happening. It escalated way too fast.
BB: One second they were flirting and the next thing you know it was fisticuffs.
LK: They were clearly overacting everything. I can just imagine the script writer saying, “Okay, for this scene you are going to act like he just murdered your family and burned down your house. Use that level of anger to fight with him about a bad hookup.”
BB: It was as if Scorsese was directing them. #Oscarmoment
LK: No way, Scorsese is much better than that. It’s like if Michael Bay was trying to deliver a movie with acting and not BOOOM KABOOOOSH CRAAAASH.
BB: Now, as much as you hated everyone on the show, you seemed to have an affinity for the man who thought up the idea of the camping trip — Brendan.
LK: I did, which is why I said “nearly everything.” Brendan “Chris Martin” #Insertlastnamehere was basically my lifeline to normalcy. When he told the rich brats that they actually weren’t staying in a cabin and they started moaning, I cheered.
BB: He really was like a #rushofbloodtothehead.
LK: He was all, he’s let’s viva la vida with a life in technicolor. Clocks.
BB: He did get all “Mylo Xylo” on them later after he did 5,000 Fireball (#productplacement) shots later in the episode, but we’ll get to that shortly. The actual camping sequences were so lame — it was they can’t set up tents, they sorta cook food, and then they have to pee in the woods.
LK: And then it starts raining, causing everyone to run inside like they were each the Wicked Witch.
BB: And then came the worst line in recent reality television history…
LK: “I’m like Harriet Tubman. I’m going to take the Underground Railroad back home.”
BB: I don’t even think we need to analyze this at all. Let’s just let the people at home realize someone actually said this.
LK: I’ll give them a hint. It wasn’t a white person. Don’t worry! The rampant diversity of this show will make this tough to figure out.
BB: Then came the SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! EVEEEEEERRRRYBOOOOOODY. Because you also can’t have a reality series without the requisite shots sequence. I wish I had done some before watching the show.
LK: Oh no of course not. Followed by some clearly faked drunk acting. What I couldn’t figure out was where the bar came from. Did they go to civilization? Was there just a bar in the woods?
BB: If it was in that cabin, that shit was off the chain. But, then the show tried, literally in the last two minutes to shoehorn in “feels” for our boy Chris Martin, I mean Brendan. Before he consciously uncoupled with his lunch, he got “totes emosh.”
LK: That was so weird. Getting drunk to hide your issues is a serious problem. Why is this show of all things touching on that?
BB: Because it’s reality television.
LK: Don’t remind me that people like this actually exist.
BB: Sadly, they do Luke and sadly, these people get their own show on E! exploiting their rich and famous lives for the entertainment of people like us.
LK: I wouldn’t call this entertainment. That’s too nice of a description. It’s more like garbage.
BB: I’ll leave you all with this.