BB: After spending time in Amish Country we hopped in the ol’ RV of Awesome and headed down to Martinsburg, West Virginia to hang with those paragons of class, elegance and femininity — The Gypsy Sisters. Luke, we’ve seen some pretty crazy women in our run with this column, but these just might take the crown of “Most Bat Shit Crazy Women Ever.”
LK: This show honestly left me conflicted. I’ve been to West Virginia and I’m not surprised these people live there. But they also have some pretty fancy stuff, on par with the upper class trashy people of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Where are the run down cars on the front lawn? The plastic wrap windows? Just like, Breaking Amish, all I have to fall back on are my stereotypes.
BB: The caravans! I saw Snatch (the movie) and they had some pretty sweet caravans. But, you know what these Gypsy Sisters have — really, really awful tattoos in really, really intimate places. In fact we open up with a tramp stamp shot.
LK: Which the show accentuated with some CGI glitter effects. Seriously. How much money and time went into making this woman’s lower back shine?
BB: Luke, someone with a college degree, who studied the classics of film editing and art, took the time to make this happen. I feel terrible about society. But not as terrible as poor Mellie who got her husband of six day’s name inked about her vagina. What’d you think of our gal, Mellie, “the wild child” of the group?
LK: Oh Mellie…there are words to describe her that I will refrain from using here. Let’s just say that I’m convinced she partakes in some wildly questionable activities in her off time. That poor baby of hers.
BB: To quote Peter Griffin, “You look sticky and probably taste like garbage.”
LK: Hey that’s surprisingly accurate! She probably was sticky and does taste like garbage. Also, what was up with her foul mood on the RV? How contrived as that?
BB: Or the fact she was eating peas from a can with a cookie and celery? I think we’re angling towards the fact she’s pregnant…with a child or petulant emotion, I have no idea. But, despite her grumpy mood, she found the time to take our “hero” Kayla to a special, engagement present.
LK: A class on how to pole dance. Truthfully, plenty of women actually do pole dancing because it provides an immense workout for their muscles. These were not those women. Mellie, for example actually was a stripper.
BB: The woman teaching the “class” looked like a soccer mom who dances at the absolute worst strip club in America and living in a town that has multiple strip clubs and go-go bars in a few mile radius, that’s saying something. But you know who we haven’t talk about — our newly fianceed (sorta) Kayla.
LK: It’s legitimately sad how awful her relationship is. Her future/current/I have no idea husband/boyfriend/guy Richard has zero trust towards her. You’d think that Kayla would no better, but she doesn’t sound like she graduated high school, so maybe not.
BB: I thought you meant the legitimately awful relationship her braces and her teeth have during the first part of the episode.
LK: To quote Stewie, “Aren’t you a little old to be wearing braces?”
BB: Well thankfully, we found out, thanks to Kayla, what “titty balls” are. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZUS.
LK: Within about five minutes, they must have said titty balls over 20 times. Can you imagine writing the script to this show? It must be the easiest thing in the world.
BB: Uhh…Luke, this is reality television, there is no script.
LK: Right, of course. How could I forget? Nothing on reality television is ever pre-thought or planned ahead. Just like real life!
BB: The only thing that was planned was the girls’ trip to Ocean City Maryland. I have never heard the words “ocean” and “city” so many times in one show. And if I was Ocean City, Maryland, I’d be hella pissed. HELLA PISSED.
LK: You’d think Ocean City was some type of Holy Land for them. It was crazy. And when they got there, they just went nuts. Those poor, poor residents.
BB: It was titty balls everywhere.
LK: Titty balls! Titty balls for everyone!
BB: And that’s what the Gypsy Sisters taught us — that through titty balls, bling, intimately placed tattoos and no fear of looking like a human trainwreck — you too can make filthy amount of money on television. #re2pect #hustleloyaltyrespect #booyashaka
LK: Clearly going to college and studying hard was the biggest mistake I ever made.
BB: Amen. #tittyballs