BB: Luke, it’s the end of an era! It’s the third part of The Real Housewives of NJ Reunion. This is a momentous episode because it is Teresa Giudice’s “final” episode on the show. How you holding up man? Does it seem real to you?
LK: Bill, let me tell you. I was absolutely beside myself with tears. I couldn’t believe it! Teresa, an all around stand out human being, is suffering and it’s so sad to watch. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad in my life. I feel like I just lost a friend.
BB: Wait, are we talking about Teresa or are we talking about Teresa? I’m hella confused.
LK: Right, of course. I forgot that there is a very distinct difference. One is Teresa, pronounced the normal way. The other is “Ta-resa.” She even had to reiterate that during the reunion. Such hardship. Both Teresa and Ta-resa are in such dire straits.
BB: I’m actually still confused. But one thing I am absolutely, 1000% certain of is that Amber’s husband Jim is one of the most hated men in reality television history. #douchecanoe
LK: Jim reminds me of this evil monster that has crawled out of the primordial ooze. Sure, he’s excellent for his wife Amber who did suffer a lot of hardship, but he just loves making everyone else completely miserable.
BB: My favorite part was when he described himself as a lawyer, but he wasn’t a lawyer, he was the advisor to many a lawyer. He’s basically the Obi-Wan Kenobi for every barrister in the state of New Jersey. But then, he retook the bar, and is submitting himself to character committee, which sounds completely and utterly made up…and something he’s going to fail miserably at. He even brought props!
LK: Who is he? Carrot Top pre-all-the-steroids? Hell, I’d rather hang out with Carrot Top amped up on the roids. But no, I would rather have a chimpanzee defend me in court with a briefcase filled with bananas and week old feces than have this man on my lawyer team. If I was charged with a crime, was clearly innocent, but this man had my defense, I’d rather just be called guilty. It’s a better fate.
BB: Or Meowsy McDermott, Peter’s Griffith’s sarcastic cat lawyer. He’d be fantastic attorney.
LK: You’ve got to be kitten me!
BB: You’ve gotta be kitten me that none of the guys on this show – Jim, Rino, Bobby, Joe or Joe got into fisticuffs. Seriously, these guys needed to either punch each other in the face or make-out. There was a palpable tension here.
LK: Seriously! Rino even looks like Vulture from Spider-Man. Plus, his name is one letter away from being “Rhino.” Someone put on a mask and have a faux superhero battle. Please?
BB: He actually reminds me of the “geek” from American Horror Story: Freak Show. Which is kinda frightening.
LK: Wait…I wasn’t just watching American Horror Story: Freak Show? How else would these people all be in a room together? I can’t think of a better description.
BB: Oh, can we settle one thing right now? Bobby’s totally gay, right?
LK: It honestly felt that way. Not because of anything he did. It’s because someone brought it up, I think it was Andy, and Bobby just gave a silent answer that wasn’t even a denial. Then no one else said anything. They just looked away and waited for the thought to pass. It was…weird.
BB: It would’ve been great television if he did come out. But, going back to your “freak show” comment, I think this is the most sensitive group of people ever assembled in history. I could get a room of four-year-old girls together, yell something loudly and there’d be less drama and tears than there were in this episode. I’d like to also say that I would never gather a room full of young children and try to make them cry. That’s foul. I would, however, enjoy making any of those dorks on RHONJ cry.
LK: Somehow I think that would be exceptionally easy. Easier than taking candy from a baby honestly. Just call one of their books garbage and they lose it.
BB: Then we ended with the gaudily shoot, schmaltzy farewell to our favorite table flipper Teresa. Did you know that if she could do this whole thing over, she wouldn’t do it?
LK: Yeah, that was pretty shocking. I totally pegged her as someone who would willingly commit fraud again. I mean, did you hear that she didn’t even read the contracts? No, none of this is her fault at all. Nope!
BB: Luke, don’t tap dance on her grave.
LK: That’s possible right? If that ending shot is any indication, Teresa is “dying,” as in she’s going away and never coming back. But we all know she can’t live now without a reality show. I look forward to Jersey Jailed: The Teresa Giudice Story, followed up with Fighting On, her reality show about raising kids without Joe.
BB: Actually, if I gave you a ride and $20 would you do your Jimmy Perso Jr. dance for her?
LK: I’m already in the car! Let’s go!
BB: Lemme grab my keys.
LK: This is going to be fun!
BB: So, Luke, what did you ultimately learn about this show from this reunion episode?
LK: I learned that, apparently, this show is all about Teresa. Literally. She said, “This whole show is about me.” What a massive, egomaniacal maniac who doesn’t understand the basic laws of our country.
BB: I learned two things – one, dropped TEN GRAND on this….
LK: MY EYES. THE GOGGLES. THEY DO NOTHING.
BB: And with all these people yelling and talking over each other, there’s just…TOO MANY COOKS
LK: Oh please put these people on Too Many Cooks. I actually want to see a reunion of Too Many Cooks. Please make that happen Adult Swim!
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