(Monday Night) RAW is The Slammys

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Opening Segment: Here’s what I learned – Seth Green is ludicrously short. People don’t give two craps about The Miz. And Damien Mizdow took a worthless, throwaway gimmick and has turned it into a massively popular character. No one grabbing that brass ring, Vince? Look at the chicken salad that Mizdow has made out of a chicken shit gimmick.

This is Awesome Award: Nominees: Occupy RAW – Steph Gets Arrested – Survivor Series (Sting debuts) – Austin/Hogan/Rock. Winner: Sting. While Seth Green fumbled the delivery of the winner, Seth Rollins delivered a short but intense promo. He also has great theme music.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins: In a perfect world this match will be headlining pay-per…I mean WWE Network events in the very near future. To me, Seth Rollins might be the most creative, entertaining and all-around best active WWE wrestler. Daniel Bryan, in my opinion does trump him, but he’s obviously not wrestling. Dolph, on the other hand, is always strong in the ring, but he’s a little too caffeinated for me. His offense is a little to jittery except for that leaping DDT, that is an awesome move, but why isn’t that move a finisher? I love the fact that Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble have a role on TV these days as both of them busted their asses for years and never got their just due (yes, both did hold tag titles, but can you really remember anything about those runs?). The Curb Stomp finisher is absolutely one of the best “outta nowhere” finishers ever. Winner: Seth Rollins.

Kofi Kingston vs. Star Dust: I really don’t get The New Day gimmick…at all. It’s an evangelist gimmick? It’s a 2014 version of Fatu’s “Let’s Make a Difference” character? It’s the anti-Nation of Domination? I think the WWE is missing the boat with Kofi, Xavier and especially Big E. They’ve got so much charisma and I think with a clearly defined role these guys could be an awesome unit. In fact, they’ve got the talent and intangibles to be a modern day Freebirds. I really think Big E can be a MASSIVE star for the WWE as he’s come a long way from when he debuted as Dolph’s muscle. Star Dust is just fantastic, he’s hilarious and man his work just keeps getting better by the match. Kofi really worked better than he has in months and I’m stunned he won. Winner: Kofi Kingston.

Wow – Insult of the Tears, Tag Team of the Year, Hashtag of the Year, Breakout Star of the Year and Fan Appreciation Awards gets pre show announcements. Kinda silly in some respects.

Surprise Return of the Year: God damn John Laurinaitis returns. God he sucks. So obviously that means his mug will be back on TV in no time. Ugh. Nominees – Hulk Hogan, Dave Batista, The Rock and The Ultimate Warrior. Winner: The Ultimate Warrior – the rightful winner. We never thought it would happen, but it was an emotional and perfect return for one of the most iconic wrestlers of wrestling’s greatest boom period.

Paul Heyman and Seth Rollins: Man, Seth Rollins has upped that promo. He was awful for so long, but now he’s really embraced his asshole heel character and I love it. Paul Heyman, on the other hand, could read the phone book and it’d still be awesome.

Charlotte Flair Debuts: Holy smokes I did not see this one coming. I’ve seen her perform once and she was pretty darn impressive. The promo package on her should be the promo package for EVERYONE. It short, sweet and perfectly to the point. The fact she’s wrestling Natalya makes perfect sense as Nattie has become the new Fabulous Moolah – old reliable who can work anyone. (Fun Fact: Charlotte is married to TNA wrestler Bram.) This was a really strong, but fun wrestling match with some stuff strikes and unique counters. Charlotte is a natural born heel – and when she gets her run, she’s going to dominate. I wasn’t a huge fan of Nattie winning at first, but think about it – she needs to keep strong for the main roster, she can’t drop a match on RAW to someone going right back to NXT. Winner: Nattie Neidhart reversing a figure four into an inside cradle.

OMG Moment of the Year – Nominees: Seth Turns Heel, Brie Bella turns heel, The Little Kids Sing with Bray Wyatt – The Streak Ends. Winner: While The Rollins heel turn was a shock, The Streak ending was one of the most shocking things I’ve witnessed in wrestling.

Paul Heyman is the King of Promos: But, when you give Santino more time to talk than Heyman, you’re a moron.

Bray Wyatt Is Pissed About a Rocking Chair: I guess he really enjoys custom woodwork.

And Then The Weirdest Entrance Of All: Dean Ambrose merges from a smokey ambulance from the heavens and throws everything but the kitchen sink out of the back. But only Ambrose can do this and make it look great.

Diva of the Year – Nominees: AJ Lee, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella and Paige. Winner: AJ Lee – Mrs. CM Punk cuts her typical, “I’m the best” promo – she’s never dropping a pipe bomb guys, let’s get over it.

Winner of the Night: TITUS O’NEIL AND HIS PLUM TUXEDO. God damn it WWE, this man will print money, give him the ball!!!

John Cena Fired Up Promo: Cut more of these. Don’t tell jokes again.

Luke Harper vs. Erick Rowan: As a friend of mine said, “Great, give this away on free TV” and with absolutely no build. This could be a hell of a PPV match, but they give it away on RAW. Ugh. Rowan is actually pretty decent in the ring and I am warming up to his idiot savant gimmick. However, I’m a HUGE Luke Harper mark. He’s probably one of my favorite big men of the last decade (if not more). He can work his ass off, he crawl and he’s so menacing. I so dig him. Winner: Erick Rowan via DQ – a smart move especially since it was a quick match.

Naomi/Uso Promo: Shoot me dead.

LOL Moment: Adam Rose’s heel turn is getting there. Nominees – Mr. T’s momma promo – WEELC – Damien Mizdow – Vickie Guerrero/Stephanie McMahon Pudding Incident. Winner: Mizdow. I have to say The Miz really played the heel perfectly in his acceptance speech and they’re really teasing a slow turn for Miz/Mizdow.

Swagger/Rusev II: Despite Swagger losing to Rusev already, they’ve done a nice job reigniting this feud. Swagger has the tools to get it done in the ring, but he’s never put it together fully, but with Rusev, he really shines. Rusev has gotten over nicely and Lana…well…come on…she’s ridiculous.

Usos/Ryback aka Team Slopdog vs. Miz, Mizdow and Kane: Ryback and The Usos are just so sloppy in the ring, I just don’t enjoy them in the ring. The only wrestler I enjoy less is TNA’s Tigre Uno who I absolutely trolled at a TNA taping in NYC (whiskey helped me out with that). Kane, for as been there/done that as he is, he always put together a strong set of moves. But really this was all about Mizdow. God, he’s absolutely perfect in everything he does. He executes his role so sincerely that you’d have to have no heart to not appreciate it. Winner: In true, chaotic, slop dog fashion – The Usos and Ryback in a sloppy ass match.

Match of the Year: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat comes out and arm drags the world. To only wish. Nominees: Orton vs. Batista vs. Bryan at Wrestlemania – Cena vs. Bray in a Last Man Standing Match at Extreme Rules- The Shield vs. Evolution at Extreme Rules – Team Authority vs. Team Cena at Survivor Series. Winner: Team Cena … this a case of “most recent match wins.”

AJ Lee vs. Summer Rae: I always thought Summer Rae would be a strong heel when she made it to the roster…alas she’s pretty horrid. Winner: AJ with the Black Widow in a snoozer.

Extreme Moment of the Year – Rob Van Damm returns to present! Winner: Chris Jericho diving off the top of a cage onto Bray Wyatt beats out the concrete curb stomp…I dunno about that one. Oh, and Fandango comes out and acts dopey – but if you listen to his promo, it was very interesting…it’s just we don’t give a shit about this character.

Superstar of the Year: Booker T presents. Nominees – Brock Lesnar, Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns, Bray Wyatt and of course, John Cena. Winner: Roman Reigns…yup calling BULLSHIT on this one. There’s no way a guy who is firmly in the mid card and lost his two title matches is Superstar of the Year. Please don’t tell me “Bryan didn’t get it because he’s been out so long” – how long has Reigns been out? Months on end. Ugh, this is the future of the WWE guys. Get used to it.

Main Event: Big Show vs. John Cena – You’ve seen it once, you’ve see it a million times. A lukewarm match with Cena doing the Superman AA on Big Show.

The Schmoz Ending: We get the same ending as last week – all hell breaks loose. Everyone hits their finisher or a highspot on someone and then in the end, Rollins gets the upper hand on Cena. Obviously we know this means Cena goes over at TLC now.

Bill Bodkin is the gray bearded owner, editor-in-chief and co-founder of Pop Break. Most importantly, he is lucky husband, and proud father to a beautiful daughter named Sophie. He can be seen regularly on the site reviewing The Walking Dead, Doctor Who, and is the host of the site’s podcast, The BreakCast.┬áHe is a graduate of Rutgers University with a degree in Journalism & English. Follow him on Twitter: @BodkinWrites

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