Real Men Talk Reality: Millionaire Matchmaker

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Real Men Talk Reality TV: The Millionaire Matchmaker, Season 8, Episode 3

BB: Luke, it’s a new year and we’re tackling the new season of Bravo’s long-running, often-infuriating, The Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes, we’re entering the double entendre-filled, screaming rant-fueled, shallow and shitty world of the matchmaker herself, Patti Stanger. Luke – how does it feel to watch matches made in “real time?”

LK: Bill, it doesn’t feel that great. Patti Stanger is the ultimate manipulator. She comes out of her subterranean palace to bring people together and make them play for her every whim. She’s like this terrible puppet master. DATE FOR ME MONKEYS. DATE.

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BB: While we’re writing this the episode is re-running and she said the word “cooch” 45 times in a row. She makes me want to set myself on fire. We get it Patti you like sex. I think what bothers me the most about the show is that the people she sets the millionaires up with are in a club…to BE SET UP WITH MILLIONAIRES. You can’t get more shallow and shitty than that.

LK: It defeats the entire purpose of what happened in this episode, where Prince Maximilian couldn’t reveal his royal heritage. What is the point of that? It’s not like you’re going out with him based on his character. The main criteria of him being there is money. Clearly you have an interest in that.

BB: Oh The Prince! That man was the ultimate cartoon character. I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing a cuckoo clock around his neck while he was wearing lederhosen and eating sausages. He had the most ludicrous accent like he was Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds. He also, despite his own self-image, had zero definition to his body. He looks like he’s made of Bavarian cream donuts.

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LK: When he walked out of the ocean with champagne, two glasses, and a pink speedo, it was like watching a pudgy metrosexual Godzilla. What I loved is how the girl didn’t give two shits about the fact that he was a Prince. Sorry dude. Your main identity means nothing

BB: It was like that scene in Casino Royale, except in an alternative, terribly overweight reality. But, did you notice Patti, despite demanding he “toughen up” and pretend he was a guy from “Jersey,” was totally on his strudel all episode long?

LK: Oh absolutely. She wanted to get all up on his German bratwurst.

BB: Would it be outlandish to say she wanted to be in a German scat film with The Prince?

LK: You mean a German scheisse video? Normally I’d say no, but I have no idea what goes through Patti’s mind. Everyone has their own dark desires.

BB: But, all was not lost in this episode, as we had Ally Shapiro, the daughter of former RHONY star Jill Zarin.

LK: I have never seen or heard of Jill Zarin before, which is further proof that her celebrity status is almost zero. However, my brief experience with her here showed me that she is a walking bag of crazy.

BB: When Ally was talking about being insecure – do you think she was referring to her mother’s raving psychosis and not her “body issues?”

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LK: There’s no doubt in my mind. Her Mom is nuts and I can totally believe someone being insecure about that. Ally seems like a delightful person too.

BB: And, I’ll say it, she’s an attractive girl, who is only 22-years-old. There’s no reason she should need any help in finding a date. The only reason it seems she’s on the show is so her mom can re-insert herself into the Bravo world of television. She had been angling to get back on RHONY for years, but to no avail. No wonder Ally thinks she’ll never find anyone.

LK: Poor Ally, she deserves so much better. At 22-years-old, she should be in college meeting nice guys. Not being dragged by her mother in front of a camera. She doesn’t need this. Run Ally. Run away with James and have a good life.

BB: Ah yes, James. The man who sold two movies – Slutty Guardians of the Galaxy and Into the Woods…Naked.

LK: In truth, we never actually learn what two screenplays James sold. We’re not given any hints as to their success, genre, release dates, or anything. As far as we’re concerned, he recently sold scripts to the next two great porn parodies. I’m personally crossing my fingers for True Dicktective and Parks and Sexreation.

BB: I heard he’s working on a porn parody of Constantine. I’ll let you figure that one out.

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LK: Oh Bill you dirty rapscallion you!

BB: I have to say for a Millionaire Matchmaker episode, despite how disgusting the premise is, this was not a bad episode at all. The dates seemed to really click, Patti kept the blatant sexual remarks and hand gestures to a minimum and she didn’t berate anyone. I mean we did get a Kristin Cavallari cameo which was terrible, but still, all-in-all not bad!

LK: The trade off is that it had absolutely zero conflict. The best we got was the Prince wearing a pink speedo and essentially showing his dong off to his date. Really grippy television.

BB: The pink speedo was a symbol for what’s to come in 2015 — lots of dicks in really tight places.

LK: Happy New Year! Enjoy this horrid world that Bravo has created for all of us.

The Millionaire Matchmaker airs Thursday nights on Bravo.

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