Satan Loves A Hook #8: The Glorious Return


I’m Greg Kennelty, senior news writer for Long ago, I pitched the idea to Pop Break about having a lifelong metal fan review popular songs outside the realm of “that devil music” every week. Obviously it went well and here we are! The only rule is that while I get to choose the five songs I review, my choices must come from a pool of tunes chosen by the Pop Break staff. 

Yes. Five songs and not ten like it used to be. Ten is too much for you to read and I’d rather take my time and sink my big ol’ Satan teeth into five songs. It gives me more room to make bad jokes and be a snarky a-hole about things, you know?

I’m back, baby! Things got a little hectic here in hell but I’ve got everything back under control. Well, mostly- Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is happening on Earth and I’m trying to figure out how to cope with knowing that kind of evil actually exists. Just know it wasn’t my fault.

Let’s do this.

“Ride” by Chase Rice

Someone please tell me this is a serious attempt at a soulful, sexy country jam and not just countrified Steel Panther. Look at the first four lines of this song and you tell me this isn’t some kind of poetic attempt written by the dumbest, horniest guy you know.

“Take off those heels, lay on my bed
Whisper dirty secrets while I’m pulling on your hair
Poison in our veins but we don’t even care
Candles dripping on your body, baby this ain’t truth or dare”

So deep! He alluded to being drunk as having poison in your veins! I guess with all this overt talk about doing some hot yoga, Rice would feel weird saying they were a little drunk? Also, where did those candles come from? Rice did not have candles three seconds ago. I know that because he was pulling on your hair. Now he’s handling fire and telling you he’s serious about playing hide the sausage, with the reassurance that this isn’t truth or dare. Dude’s got flaming wax in one hand and a meat sword in the other. I think it’s too late to be like “oh wait. We’re joking, right?”

Chase Rice, you are the Frankie Palmeri of country. Onward!

“Everybody wonders where we run off to
My body on your body baby sticking like some glue
Naughty, let’s get naughty girl, it’s only one or two
The fever’s running, feel the heat between us too.”

I’m seriously going to laugh myself into a coma.

“I’m gon’ ride, I’m gon’ ride, I’m gon’ ride
I’m gon’ ride on you baby, on you lady all night, all night
I’mma take care of your body, I’ll be gentle, don’t you scream
It’s getting hotter, make it softer, feel your chest on top of me
I’m gon’ ride, I’m gon’ ride, I’m gon’ ride
I’m gon’ ride on you baby, on you lady all night, all night
I’m gon’ make you feel that loving, getting weak all in your knees
Kiss your body from the tip top all the way down to your feet.”

I feel like calling someone you’re making love to “lady” makes it weird, no? I refer to some lady that walks by me in the mall as “some lady,” not someone I’m currently inside of.

Also, Chase, I don’t know if you know this, but you don’t want to make it softer. That really complicates things. You want to go in the opposite direction of being soft. Though maybe that’s what this song is really about- Chase Rice gets soft halfway through and he needs to kiss her body all over because he’s trying to draw her attention away from having wet noodle syndrome.

I hope you liked my review of “This Never Happens, I Swear” by Chase Rice.

“I Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly Rae Jepsen seemed like the type of pop star that was capable of one unreasonably catchy song before fading into nonexistence, like a much smaller and less overalls-wearing Dexy and the Midnight Runners. I hadn’t seen anything new from Jepsen plastered all over social media since “Call Me Maybe” debuted, so I figured I was right. Then recently, a mashup of Nine Inch Nails‘ “Head Like A Hole” and Jepsen‘s new song “I Really Like You” surfaced from the void I assume Jepsen was living in. Not that I’m keeping tabs on the woman, but I had to wonder what was up with the new tune that I was only hearing half of.

So I looked it up and got hooked.

By all means, “I Really Like You” should have the most irritating chorus on the planet. Instead of actual lyrics, Jepsen just keeps saying “really” until the rest of the sentence will logically fit into the melody she’s written. The rest of her written sentiments about the hypothetical “you” don’t hold much more weight in terms of being meaningful either. Yet, I am Tom Hanks’ character in real life when it comes to this song. I cannot stop myself from getting into it via questionable dance moves, pointing at things like I’m on stage and just physically reacting to it in general.

God help you if you hear this song in a public setting. You will sing along, you will know every word, you will instantly recognize the melody the second it pops its prettied-up face through whatever speakers are about to allow this deluge of infectiousness and you’ll get into it until you’re grooving your embarrassed ass off in the middle of a Target.

Tom Hanks commands it.

“The Wolf” by Mumford & Sons

Weren’t these the guys that dressed like it was the 1920’s and they all worked in a paper mill? Seriously, Mumford & Sons were a stereotypical folky lo-fi “we have a tambourine player and Jim says ‘hey’ in the chorus” band really recently from what I remember and now they’re making songs that remind me of Manchester Orchestra‘s Simple Math record. Maybe Jim and the washtub percussionist got into a really bad bass drum accident a day before the group went into the studio and washboard player Beardy O’ Banjo had a copy of Bleachers‘ newest in his car, so the group jammed on it knocked this tune out.

I know I just made that story up right now but it does seem fairly plausible. The bottom line is that I’m confused and I need some sort of rational-ish explanation of what exactly happened here.

Granted, “The Wolf” isn’t a groundbreaking song that I’ll be singing for the next two years every time my mind wanders, but it’s a solid start for a group that churned out extremely well-selling garbage… and you know what? If Mumford & Sons can churn out a lo-fi paycheck once or twice per record and keep evolving the sound presented on “The Wolf,” then more power to ’em. The group has something legitimate here and with a little more instrumentation and songwriting evolution I think this might go somewhere worth picking up on release day.

My regards to the Jim family. I hope all that coffee was alright.

“Mene” by Brand New

My knowledge of Brand New is extremely limited. There was a kid I used to hang out with in high school who kept telling me to listen to them but I thought his music taste was garbage so I never listened on principle. I was a really elitist 16 year old, alright? The bottom line is that I’m coming into this with a fresh pair of ears.

I’m guessing “Mene” is pronounced as “mean,” which is exactly what this song is. Whoever wrote this song in Brand New came up with two guitar riffs and figured that if the rest of the group could crap out some stuff to put around said riffs, there’d be a new song on the horizon. Unfortunately, outside the hardcore fandom of Brand New fans we can see this for what it is. The song doesn’t go anywhere. I kept waiting for it to lift off into some incredible soaring bridge that would come crashing down into one final, heart-stopping, un-fucking-believable chorus so anthematic the American flag outside would become a Brand New flag and this would be my new national anthem.

Nope. Just the same riffs over and over again with misleading footage of people being excited about presumably something else. I had seen a lot of people bugging out over the fact that “Mene” was a new Brand New song, so for the sake of this article I looked up what the big deal was. Apparently it had been six years since Brand New had dropped a new song, which then begs a very simple question- this is six years worth of stewing ideas?

The rest of this record better make the rest of recored music look like fart noises and sung dick jokes.

“CoCo” by O.T. Genasis

I knew there would come a day where I had to acknowledge this song outside having friends blast it full volume at me… which is fair because I was probably blasting “Combination Pizza Hut And Taco Bell” at them prior just to piss them off.

My favorite part of this whole video is the two seconds right before O.T. Genasis starts saying the same phrases over and over again. I almost called it rapping, but that would be like saying Pete Wentz plays bass in Fall Out Boy– complete bullshit. Genasis basically shoves both elbows into his ribs and then sort of gives autofellatio a shot for a second while the camera guy either gets into it and turns the camera sideways a little for a second, or he’s about to lose his damn mind laughing but regains composure.

One of the best things about this are the guys in the background. They seem like they’re aware enough that O.T. Genasis is having a conscious seizure over the fact that he is madly in love/lust with cocaine, but they either just don’t give a shit or this is a normal Wednesday. Also, let’s be real here- it’s probably a Wednesday. Clearly this is their job and I doubt O.T. Genasis is firing people for showing up late to the crackhouse on a Tuesday morning.

The other thing I love is that the video and song never go anywhere. The beginning, middle and end are all about cocaine and about how O.T. Genasis and the Genasisters, which is their name now even though they’re guys, are packaging cocaine and briefly leaving to go do cocaine-related things. I also know this is all O.T. Genasis and the Cocainiacs do because the rhymes in this video are something a white freshman in high school living in the upper middle class section of town name J. Dizzle would write as a rap to show off that he’s “mad gangsta.” Clearly there was not time to sit down and write something beyond Kid Rock rhymes.

I hate everything about this… yet I can’t stop singing this fucking song.