TV Recap: Monday Night RAW is The Old Funk in a Box Trick

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In a ‘Well At Least It Wasn’t a Promo in the Ring To Open The Show’ Segment: Triple H (rightfully) extols the virtues of Seth Rollins. Seth seems touched and hugs The Game in gratitude. Why do I have a feeling Triple H turns on The Architect, and we get a face turn from Rollins? Of course, I could be wrong.

The Requisite Awesome Paul Heyman Promo: This was absolute, solid gold. First off, I enjoy that the ‘TV PG’ rules have been loosened because Heyman’s promo would’ve lost something without the ‘saltier’ language. This was basically a babyface promo because all Heyman did was lay out the actual truth — Brock Lesnar won fair and square, while The Undertaker had to revert cheating. It’s an interesting dynamic that the WWE is playing with this feud, and I love it.

Then, BO DALLAS EMERGES: Oh my God this is amazing. Bo Dallas comes out and cut an amazing ‘trolling’ promo. Of course it ended with him screeching ‘Bolieve!’ Then in a move EVERYONE saw coming. Brock Lesnar beat the ever-loving shit out of Bo Dallas. Yes, a first class to ticket to suplex city. Brock hit four Germans, walked away…and then Heyman says, ‘Why not one more!’ The crowd, as expected, went bananas. Then Heyman stops Brock again and says, ‘One for me, Brock!’

The New Day: God, I love The New Day. Big E has so much charisma it’s ridiculous. Xavier comes out with a trombone, and New Days starts singing ‘New York, New York.’ GOD I LOVE IT.

Lucha Dragon vs. The New Day in a How Many Times Can Lucha Dragons End Up on Botchamania Match: Seriously, how has Sin Cara not been fired? He’s such a slop dog that it seems like Kalisto tries way too hard to make up for it, and then blows spots himself. The New Day pretty handily wins the match as Xavier Woods plays ‘Taps’ on the trombone. And then…

THE DUDLEY BOYZ RETURN.

Not going to lie, but chills, yes CHILLS ran up and down my spine. Bubba Ray and D-Von (yes none of this Brother Devon and Bully Ray crap anymore!) come out and put a Dudleyville-sized ass whooping on The New Day. They hit all their trademark spots including 3D through a table.

AHHHH!!! So excited.

Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns vs. The Wyatts in a You’ve Seen It Before, But Are You Really Going to Complain Match: This is the exact same match you’ve seen a whole bunch of times before. And there’s nothing wrong with that. These four have great chemistry, and it’s always fun watching them knock each other around.

Then Outta Nowhere: NXT wrestler Braun Stowman (a noted strongman) debuts, looking a lot like Ray Jackson from Bloodsport. He does a lot of big guy/enforcer/still kinda green moves, and Roman and Dean sell for him like a mad dog. His bear hug/choke was kinda impressive.

The Ladies Get Two Long Segments: I really enjoy the fact women’s wrestling is getting more and more time on RAW. The women involved in this angle, for the most part, are really strong wrestlers, and the ones who aren’t certainly do try hard. I love watching Charlotte work, she has such nuance in her in-ring work. Now, the catch here is that the ending of this match was so bad. There was so much awkwardness as they women who knew what they were doing (Team PCB) had to serve themselves up for ill-timed and poorly executed moves from those who didn’t (Team Bella).

Jon Stewart Explains Himself: It makes perfect sense that Stewart, a longtime wrestling fan, wanted to protect Ric Flair’s record. But, let’s be honest Flair was right when he said, ‘You don’t gotta like it.’ And he’s right, the WWE is going to do what they want, even if we don’t like it. And like it or not, there’s no way John Cena ISN’T going to win a world title again before he retires. For once, I didn’t mind Cena’s promo. He pushes aside losing, but he puts the emphasis on the U.S. Title not himself. That’s pretty awesome. Of course when he runs down the list of people he ‘gave a shot to’ that also happens to be a list of dudes he beat (and some say buried). Of course Cena gives the AA to Stewart. Hate to break it to Cena, but that was about as heel as heel can get. But we’ll never turn Cena heel. This segment was fine for what it was, but just way too long.

The Eight-Man This Should Be Fun Cluster Match – Dolph Ziggler (w/Lana), Cesaro (w/Towel), Ryback (w/hunger), & Randy Orton (w/zzzzz) vs. Kevin Owens, Rusev (w/Summer Rae), The Big Show, and Sheamus: The match was a lot Dolph Ziggler playing Ricky Morton to the heels. Sheamus with a standing Brock Lock which was really impressive. The match was pretty bland, and the crowd was dead until Lana hit a nice spear on Summer on the outside. Lana seriously popped the crowd something fierce. Kevin Owens comes in, as does Cesaro and the crowd become unglued. Randy Orton entered for 90 seconds, and of course wins the match.

In a the Post-Match Was Better Than the Match: Owens and Rusev double team the hell out of Big Show. I’d get behind that tag team. Then the faces come in. Ziggler hits a perfect super kick. Then in a truly inspired move, Cesaro and Ryback gorilla press Show. Orton jumps up for a super duper uber RKO.

The Seth Statue Segment aka The Ol’ Funk in a Box Gimmick: This was a set-up for someone to return, because there’s a huge curtained off the box in the middle of the ring. I was thinking Kane. John Cena. They yammered and yammered to build the ‘suspense.’ And then it turned out to be STING. The LAST dude we were thinking it would. Some of you may complain, ‘Oh it’s an old dude’ but this is about as fresh as fresh gets. Sting has zero track record in WWE outside of wrestling Triple H at Wrestlemania. So a match with Rollins (who would do all the work), could be pretty damn good.

Bill Bodkin is the gray bearded owner, editor-in-chief and co-founder of Pop Break. Most importantly, he is lucky husband, and proud father to a beautiful daughter named Sophie. He can be seen regularly on the site reviewing The Walking Dead, Doctor Who, and is the host of the site’s podcast, The BreakCast.┬áHe is a graduate of Rutgers University with a degree in Journalism & English. Follow him on Twitter: @BodkinWrites