sue digs into MTV’s latest reality offering …
This is the story … of eight strangers, picked to live in a beach house at Seaside Heights, N.J., to see what happens when people stop being polite and starting getting ridiculously, stereotypically Guido.
In Jersey Shore, MTV has repackaged its reality television staple, The Real World, and in doing so has abandoned its usual seven separate and distinct stereotypes, instead casting eight members of the same brash, tacky, egomaniacal stereotype known the world over as “Guido.” Rather than pursue the task of alleviating existing stereotypes, MTV has undertaken the arduous effort of strengthening them. As such, we are introduced to 8 of the most ridiculous and irrational people to grace the airwaves since … well, since the last episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
In the premiere episode of Jersey Shore, we meet DJ Pauly D, Vinny, Mike aka “The Situation”, Ronnie, Sammi “Sweetheart”, Angelina, Jenni “J-Woww” and Nicole aka “Snooki.”
Simply listing those names provokes exhaustion, but I will soldier on in my review nonetheless.
Firstly, let me preface these introductions by stating with a small amount of relief that only two of these people are actually from New Jersey. Therefore, only 25 percent of the douchey-ness portrayed in the entire Jersey Shore series is Jersey-born. In fact, such is usually the case with the self-proclaimed “guidos” of the Jersey Shore, most of them being from the New York area.
DJ Pauly D: self-described as “Your Girlfriend’s Favorite DJ,” Pauly claims that he doesn’t try to steal other guys’ girlfriends. They just come to him. It must be the gravity defying hair, orange skin and never ending supply of Ed Hardy T-shirts. Don’t take Pauly’s fabulosity for granted, ladies. He works hard at it, ordering gel by the case and spending 25 minutes, two times per day to perfect that Gotti-esque coif. And lets not forget the in-home tanning bed, a la Patrick Batemen. But alas, Pauly. You are no Christian Bale. Perhaps it’s my general attraction to the pale boys of British Isle decent, but Pauly is NOT my favorite DJ.
Vinny: decidedly the least guido of the “True Eight,” Vinny is a college graduate who does NOT tan, keeps his hair cropped short and bristles at ridiculous nicknames such as “J-Woww.” Don’t overestimate Vinny just yet, though. He lives up to his guido cred with his fist-pumping alone. I’m not aware of any “champs” who fist-pump, Vinny. Unless you’re referring to Tommie Smith and John Carlos at the 1968 Olympics … But I digress. Lose the sunglasses at night and Affliction tees, and maybe we can talk, Vinny. Perhaps we’ll talk about how it’s not cool to grind on a chick when you have PINKEYE!
Mike, AKA “The Situation”: Oh boy. There are hardly words to describe the retardation it takes to nickname your allegedly amazing abs. Unfortunately, Mike is actually from New Jersey. So, until we find out he was actually born in Staten Island or Brooklyn, we have to lay claim to this chode. Mike, you may have mesmerized Sammi (temporarily) by making scrambled eggs, but your inexplicable arrogance and penchant for picking up random strays from the street has disenchanted the rest of us. And what kind of job allows you to get to the gym five days a week? Putting the nose to the grindstone at the NYC Investment firm, all hedge funds and strengthening portfolios, huh? Work-a-holic.
Ronnie: *sigh* … there’s not much to say about Ronnie because he doesn’t put forth much. He’s a walking punchline. He prepared for his trip to Seaside by packing plenty of cologne (COUGH, HACK, BLECH!) and a keg of protein powder. He believes in the three B’s: beers, bitches and the beach. In the first five minutes of his interview, he alleges that women are drawn to him like flies to s*#t. Ronnie, have you realized that you just compared yourself to feces? Not that I’m arguing … Let’s just say that when Ronnie laughs, I picture tumbleweed rolling around in his head.
And those are the fine gentlemen of “Jersey Shore” … parents, lock up your retarded hookers, er, I mean daughters.
Sammi “Sweetheart”: another Jersey native. Awesome. Sammi describes herself as the “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” She likes good, hot, sexy guidos. She wears hair extensions and thinks House of Dereon makes the hottest heels. What sad, inadequate world does she live in that makes her think that House of Dereon makes the hottest heels? Manolos and Choos should be free for just such a reason. She might as well have said Jessica Simpson or Carlos Santana makes the hottest heels. I’m not saying they’re not cute, or that I don’t own a pair or two. But I don’t kid myself to think they’re the hottest. And lets not forget the hypocrisy of calling other girls whores, while wearing a back-revealing shirt with YOUR BRA SHOWING! Ugh, so trashy. Then again, I would expect nothing less from the girl who wants to “blow this place apart” by tongue-fencing with two roommates in one night. Not only does Sammi poop where she eats, she has diarrhea there.
Angelina: self-described Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. I think it’s safe to say there are no Kim Kardashians anywhere within the confines of the Isle of Staten. She wears heels with a bikini (that’ll serve her well on the beach) and claims that sluts need to be abused. She must be ripe for quite a verbal beat down. C**k-blocking is lame, and merely showcases your own insecurity, Angelina. You have a boyfriend at home. What do you care what the boys of the house do? Even if they were with those “whores,” completely clothed and kissing with closed lips … those SKANKS! Oh, the ire! They clearly stepped over a line, whereas you’re grinding on some strange dude’s crotch with your barely covered bum was well within a boyfriend’s comfort zone. Don’t worry, though. Your inability to understand that your boyfriend has a business meeting, and subsequent rapid-fire redialing, will eliminate that pesky boyfriend issue STAT. And if you’re going to be confident in your body, BE CONFIDENT. Mike’s pathetic “lose 10 pounds and we’ll talk” remark should have been met with more than a Mean Girls threat to cut his hair in his sleep. Why should his opinion matter anyway? His bulbous nose casts so much of a shadow over “The Situation” as to eliminate any effectiveness it may have had.
Jenni aka “J-Woww”: I hate to agree with a guido, but Vinny is right. Who introduces themselves to people as “J-Woww”? And why is “woww” misspelled? Wow, someone needs to re-study for that G.E.D. J-Woww is another with a significant other at home that has no idea of the complete lack of faithfulness that has already occurred in Episode 1. Perhaps complete faithfulness was never to be expected, though. After all, it is a rare occasion when one who goes out for the night with such precariously covered breasts is destined for monogamy. And J-Woww chided Pauly for hooking up with a twenty-something because, him being 28/29, a girl like that is too young. Apparently, those extra three years make her just the right age. Or perhaps it’s the equally groomed eyebrows that make J-Woww and Pauly soulmates. Thats not a fair assessment, though, especially considering every member of this case has brows more groomed than Bette Davis. Perhaps the neo-skunk hairdo makes J-Woww the only person strong enough to drown out the stink of Pauly’s massive gel usage. Maybe J-Woww likes crunchy hair, compared to the rat’s nest she sports. Perhaps guidos flock to guidos regardless of artificial parts. Oh, what a world, what a world.
Last but certainly not least is the tiny little powerhouse called Snooki (Nicole to her parents, and God). Snooki’s “ultimate dream” is to move to Jersey and meet a juiced, tan guy. How tan is the question. Snooki, “Snickers” to her roommates, is so fake-tanned that her face has begun to look … how should I say … DIRTY. She got insanely wasted on the first night, hit on EVERYONE (even women), showed the goods and puked the next day.But thats not her, guys. Inventors of the Bumpit be warned, though. She started the friggin’ poof, and my bet is that she’d kill to defend it against all artificial imitators. Or not. Artificiality isn’t really a problem with this crew (see: boobs, hair color, hair pieces, tan).
And that’s the cast of Jersey Shore. Suffice to say, they certainly do not fail in keeping with all the Real World traditions. There are fights, sex, other such canoodling (with roommates and outsiders), gratuitous partying, lame “jobs” and even a brief cameo by Seaside Heights PD! It seems the only thing missing is the requisite gay, which isn’t really surprising, though. The only group more homophobic than guidos can be found at the next Republican National Convention. Gays, take heart. At least you can rest easy knowing your ranks won’t be portrayed in any way in this exhibition of douchebaggery. If only everyone was so lucky.