Self High-Five: #14

bill bodkin rolls out the fourteenth installment of epic installments…

Movies: Two Bloody Awful Movies
Not the best weekend for Redbox rentals. We went with two pretty bloody and terrible films –the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street and the European sword flick Centurion. Both of which are too matter-of-fact without any exposition gorefests that could’ve been much better films had a plot been taken into account.

A Nightmare on Elm Street, according to my wife, is a pretty straightforward retelling (with some minor changes) of the original Wes Craven legend. Jackie Earle Haley is perfectly cast as Freddy Kreuger, replacing longtime Freddy, Robert Englund. Haley was the best choice, his half growl/half whisper/all demonic voice makes Freddy even more terrifying a character. However, the FX work used to create Freddy makes him look as synthetic as a Halloween mask that’d you get at Party City. Too slickly created, Freddy lacks the physical visceral terror that his appearance struck in audiences decades before. Oh, and there’s nothing scary in this film either. You can pretty much predict all the spooky moments, which are more violent than actually scary. Outside of Haley, only the Social Network’s Rooney Mara stands out, in terms of acting, as Nancy. Sadly Mara looks way too old to be a high schooler and that kills whatever decent acting she brings to the table. The rest of the cast is littered with Twilight and teen drama ensemble players who are just there for the slaughter. In conclusion, A Nightmare on Elm Street really is not worth a rent.

Speaking of not worth the rent, the European sword epic Centurion was a complete waste of time. Without any introduction or exposition we are thrust into bloody battle where we meet our hero, played Michael Fassbender of 300 and Inglorious Basterds fame. In those two films Fassbender was able to flex his muscles — both physical and thespianic. Here he assumes the role of the vanilla, altruistic soldier. Complete snore fest. The usually enjoyable Dominic West (300, The Wire) is woefully miscast as a good guy. West thrives chewing up scenery as a bad guy, here he’s completely wasted as the half-drunk hedonistic leader of Rome’s famed 9th Legion. Oh, spoiler alert, the famed 9th Legion, totally bites it in five minutes. Adding to this stinker is Olga Korylenko, most famous for being the last Bond Girl in Quantum of Solace. Here, she plays a fierce, scarred native warrior. Sadly, her action skills are non-existent. She wields weapons with a dainty, unskilled hand, making fight scenes look absurd. Luckily they made the character mute, because if memory serves correctly, she doesn’t deliver lines that well either. As someone who’s a huge mark for sword movies, this is up there with another 9th Legion inspired film — The Last Legion. Both are Eurotrash epics that are a waste of talent and most importantly, your time as a moviegoer.

Books: Patton Oswalt
Last week, I was excited for Simon Pegg’s new book. This week, I’m all about Patton Oswalt’s book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. To general pop culture consumers Patton Oswalt is either that chubby guy from The King of Queens or the voice of the rate from Pixar’s Ratatouille. Sadly, neither of these roles even remotely captures the brilliance that is Patton Oswalt. His ranting, nerdy, self-deprecating/loathing, pop culture heavy stand-up albums are amazing. He’s an extremely intelligent comic who even when he goes on an obscenity laden rant, still sounds smarter than most comics — and he lacks all pretension that that statement could come with. His book, which will be reviewed on this blog by Kimberless Rossi-Fuchs, should be an extremely well-written and on the money view of life, politics and things nerdy. Can’t wait to pick it up.

Music: “Sweet Disposition” Temper Trap
It’s funny how I’ve been discovering new artists through TV commercials these days. First was The Heavy  with their song “How You Like Me Now” that was in that Kia commercial with Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba and other children’s toys partying in Vegas. Then it was Muse’s “Uprising” in that vodka commercial. Now it’s Australian rockers Temper Trap’s song “Sweet Disposition.” The song is a hauntingly atmospheric song, one you’d expect to hear in a trailer for a coming of age quasi-arthouse flick, you know like Garden State. The song is one of those big voiced songs that resonates with you; it’s the type of early morning drive on the highway after a meaningfully awesome night out with your friends. It’s the kind of thing someone puts on their wedding CD (yeah, we did). It’s just one of those very cool songs that even though the band who created it might fade into obscurity, it’ll always remain on your iPod.

Food: Connolly Station

This food entry will be my final “thank you” or mention of my wedding from a little over a week ago. Our rehearsal dinner was held at the fantastic Irish pub and restaurant known as Connolly Station. The bar, operated by Irish Pub mogul Mark Farrell, perfectly walks the line between classy and casual. You can enjoy a romantic dinner in their dining room (we know Sammi and Ronnie did on the Season 1 finale of Jersey Shore) or you can catch great bands like blog favorite Big Baby Ernie in their pub and sports bar. It’s a fantastic place. No matter where you sit you can enjoy lean corned beef, thick steaks and burgers, delicious potato wedge fries and a very underrated dessert menu highlighted by Harp Lager on tap. What more can a man ask for? Well on the night of our rehearsal dinner the crew at Connolly proved that they can deliver even more than one could ask. They really knocked it out of the park with bottomless servings of succulent baby back ribs. Bursting with that sweet, undeniable BBQ smell, the entire bridal party and out of town guests were enjoying the finger lickin’ goodness of Connolly’s ribs. This dish alone made the entire night. The staff is unbelievably nice, catering to our every need. So people of the Internet, if you need a spot for your private party, night out, date night or just a spot for some grub, go to Connolly Station in Belmar.

Television: The Walking Dead To End in Three Weeks
After expressing my disappointment over the short seasons for HBO’s Bored to Death and Eastbound & Down, I have found a new target for my cathode rage — AMC. Yes, just announced during the third episode of The Walking Dead “Only three episodes remain.” Seriously? We just started the show two weeks ago! This is no doubt a reaction to their announcement on November 8 that the series had been renewed for a second season. Initially rumors of the renewal were sparked before the series ever aired by producer Frank Darabont who told reporters that AMC had bought a second season. AMC quelled this statement quickly, most likely fearing that the main linchpin of the series — the suspense of whether the characters will survive the season, would be a moot point because the show was going to have a second season. So when the news of the second season hit last week, AMC, in my opinion, decided to cut season one short in order to prevent any audience loss. This is the channel’s most popular series by far and they probably feared that by announcing the show’s renewal that the suspense and hype would start to die down. But now with a shortened season AMC is guaranteeing audiences will have to be on the edge of their seat, they can’t miss a week because the season is going to end soon. And then AMC can string audiences along til the show returns, most likely in October 2011 for more zombie goodness.