Trailer Tuesday: Battleship

logan j. fowler and bill bodkin sink their battleships…

Theaters, Rent, No Thanks, Undecided? No Thanks. When word first hit (no pun intended) of a movie based on a beloved board game (I myself personally love this simple take on naval strategy in the comfort of your own living room), I sort of did a double take. Battleship? How are they going to have such a simple premise in a feature film?

Oh, they just made it Transformers 4: Eat Ship and Die.

No but really, this movie looks to be the long lost cousin of the the robots in disguise, and for that matter, boast a cast that is nowhere near as interesting, save for the great Liam Neeson, but really, what is he doing in this? Is he that hard up for money? Also, when did Rhianna decide to throw her acting hat into the ring? I can only predict blah thespian skills on part of that one.

If it seems like I have no idea why this movie is being made, you’re right. Where Hasbro’s other properties, the aforementioned Transformers and G.I. Joe (which actually has a cool looking sequel coming out this summer) made sense on a larger scale in movie form, Battleship looks like it’s going to be a miss.

And I will purposefully be missing it when it comes to the theater, or home video. –LJF

Theaters, Rent, No Thanks, Undecided? No Thanks. Let me make something very clear. If this movie was called Scary Aliens or Tidal Waved or Big Fat Stupid Machine Guys, I’d probably not hate the fact it exists. In fact I might even give it a rental out of morbid or hipsterly ironic curiosity.

But no, everything that I think that will suck about this movie — overwrought and undercooked acting, the lame and predictable plot, a really sappy romance, the fact Liam Neeson will undoubtedly get killed off in the first 25 minutes of the film and the fact that they have Rhianna as one of their lead actors, cannot be overlook because of one sheer fact…

THIS MOVIE IS BASED ON THE STRATEGIC BOARD GAME KNOWN AS BATTLESHIP.

This is something I just can’t look past. Because if this movie didn’t look bad enough it’s based on a fucking board game…a fucking board game!!! This doesn’t even have any nostalgia attached to it say an adaptation of a cartoon or TV series or book would have. It’s a game where you guess the location of someone else’s battleship, you press a button, it makes a sound and “you sunk my battleship.”

And besides that, the movie stars the most annoyingly ever-present and untalented Rhianna. Frankly, she’s the worst.

Oh and this movie is going to make an absurd amount of money which is even more soul crushing.

I can’t wait for the live action version of Monopoly starring Bradley Cooper as he battles his way through hipster zombies on jet skis. –BB

Founded in September 2009, The Pop Break is a digital pop culture magazine that covers film, music, television, video games, books and comics books and professional wrestling.