TV Recap: WWE Hell in a Cell 2013

There is no way around saying it, this was one strange Hell in the Cell. We learned Curtis Axel is reported injured, so his Intercontinental Championship defense is out. Instead, Kofi Kingston jobs to Damien Sandow on the pre-show in what was actually a decent match.

Kicking off the pay-per-view, we got a great triple-threat tag match with The Rhodes, The Shield, and The Usos. I said this would be a show stealer. Shield members Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns were unsuccessful in their bid to regain the titles, and The Usos delivered as expected, putting on one hell of a show. Cody Rhodes has really come into a new prime as a face, and he is destined for main events, possible a World or WWE Championship reign. It was The Shield who went down to the pinfall, so here The Usos still look strong while The Shield seems to be spiraling down.

The Miz comes to the ring, calling out The Wyatts. Bray obliges and sends Rowan and Harper to beat the snot out of him. A sudden save by a returning Kane turns the tide, until Kane delivers a chokeslam to The Miz. Crowd likes it anyway, so do I. Poor Miz.

In another head-scratcher, Fandango and Summer Rae get a tag team win over Khali and Natalya. Not sure how or why this was added, but when this gets a PPV spot over Kingston and Sandow, you feel a little sick inside, and this is not me reacting to my medication. This is me bashing my fist wondering what the hell some of these creative writers thinking. Unless they are thinking the crowd needs a piss-break to start the show. JBL has easily downed four beers already.

Big E. Langston defeated Dean Ambrose by count-out, so Ambrose remains the United States Champion. Now this was a great match. As previously mentioned, Axel is out due to injury, so during the pre-show, Langston and Ambrose had words, thus setting up this rushed feud. There was a time where matches would just be made without any hype or build. In any event, Langston showed off his versatility in the ring, and worked very well with Ambrose. I would like to see Langston capture a mid-card title, maybe it won’t curse him like it has others. Ambrose seems to be doing fine, while his partners rack up the losses.

I had my hopes for CM Punk against Ryback and Paul Heyman, except it turned out to be quite anti-climatic. I suppose we knew Punk would defeat Ryback, and Heyman really did not contribute anything until the very end. Heyman hid on top of the cell, as at the start, a lift carried him to the top, staying out of Punk’s reach. Punk and Ryback had a decent match, but Ryback just seemed too slow during the bout, either unable to keep up, or has been struggling to remain a fresh character in the ring. Punk won via Go To Sleep, then, sticking a Kendo Stick through the back of his trunks, climbed right up the cell wall, and beat the holy hell out of Paul Heyman. That was it.

So, Los Matadores beat The Real Americans as Cole, Lawler and JBL clearly had just about as much interest in this match as the live crowd. JBL accused Rey Mysterio of being El Torito, and then likely downed another half-dozen beers. Cole likely had a few on his own. Decent match, with the Cesaro Swing being the highlight. Although, once you see him do it to Brodus Clay or Khali, doing it to Primo Colon seems a bit mundane, until you realize he went around about 30 times.

Oh boy folks, John Cena is back. All the announce team can do is talk about how it is a freakin’ miracle how Cena came back after just months, while anyone else would have been out between eight months to a year. Give me a damn break. So he healed fast, is that it? This match was goddamned terrible. All about Cena being able to come back from anything Alberto Del Rio throws at him. Right now the Red Sox are tied with the Cardinals 1-to-1 in the fifth inning, while the Green Bay Packers are up over the Minnesota Vikings at Halftime 24-17. You know what else? I finally managed a good trade to acquire a Transformers Car Robots Brave Maximus. Now, all I want is a Takara G1 Grand Maximus, and I’ll call it a collection. That my friends is the holiest of holy grails in Transformer Collecting. Get me a Grand Maximus!! Sorry folks, but Alberto del Rio looked really good in this one, while Cena did a whole lot of nothing, except out of nowhere hits the Attitude Adjustment and WINS THE GODDAMNED WORLD TITLE. John Cena beats Alberto del Rio. This, is a travesty.

Look, I get it. It’s John Cena. I can commend the guy for doing what he could to return to action, and he does bust his ass for the company. But seriously though? One match back and he wins the World Heavyweight Championship, just like that? JBL says “he’s Superman!” This is really out of control. Really out of control. I have never been so happy to see the worthless panel, consisting of Dolph Ziggler, R-Truth, Kaitlyn, and king meatball himself, Josh Matthews. Not that Ziggler is a waste, but Ziggler on this so-called panel is a damn waste of his talent. You want him on the mic, put him on commentary dammit.

Diva Title Match: AJ Lee retained against Brie Bella

Prime Time Players are backstage playing 2K14 when Bob Backlund interrupts, and through his tirades, Titus O’Neal is actually pretty damn polite and speaks very well, convincing Backlund to join them in their “Millions of Dollars” dance. Funny stuff. Speaking of Bob Backlund, he beat Booker T in the vote to be special guest ref for the main event.

In a great match, which ended very strangely, Randy Orton pinned Daniel Bryan to win the vacant WWE Championship. Again, great match. Nice spot where Bryan tossed a dozen chairs into the ring and everyone went ape nuts with chairs. The finish, saw HBK get bumped by Orton, because, when you wear a referee shirt, you’re strength level goes down to zero. Triple H opens the cell door and throws Bryan down. In a moment of nice revenge, Bryan then clobbers Triple H with the Shining Wizard, but the COO’s good pal sees it, and blasts Bryan with the Sweet Chin Music. Orton covers, and Michaels, possibly regretting what he has done, makes the three count. So, Orton pinned Bryan, but did not exactly defeat him clean.

So, we move towards Survivor Series, and I am calling it now, Team Bryan vs. Team Authority. I worry, seeing both Cena and Orton as title-holders. Will Bryan get another title shot, or is this the end of his run for the WWE Championship? I hope not.

As I said folks, this was a strange pay-per-view. I wish I had more to say, but the finish silenced the crowd, and one has to wonder if WWE has effectively killed Bryan’s main event push.