There are only a handful of movies that I have left the theater from feeling like I was just robbed out of my money. The small number is because I am pretty good about being able to tell how bad a movie will be from its preview. I call it a gift. Now, every now and then, I will go see the movie anyway because I either want to be proven wrong or I am asked to. This is when the robbery takes place. Tonight, I was held at gun point by Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones.
Why did I go see it this time? I was asked to. After the atrocities that were the Paranormal Activity series, post the original, I don’t know how anyone would want to sit through an hour and a half of that crap.
The movie came out just two days ago and we were two of maybe ten people in the whole theater. There wasn’t one scream, one gasp, or one jump in the whole place. When the movie ended, everyone piled out in silence. If everyone felt anything like I did, they were trying to figure out how they just allowed themselves to be eye raped for 84 straight minutes.
Let me lay this down for you. Jessie (Andrew Jacobs) turns 18 and graduates from high school. His father purchased a video camera to record the graduation, which Jessie becomes obsessed with and buys his own. He lives in an all-Latino apartment complex with his father, sister and grandmother. Underneath him lives a witch named Ana, whom Jessie hears screaming and chanting at night through the vent in his room. When Jessie and his friend Hector (Jorge Diaz) get too nosey, they find that one of the boys Jessie graduated with has been visiting Ana and soon kills her. Now Jessie begins to experience changes. He is able to fall backwards and something catches him. He can jump from high spaces and land perfectly. He is even able to contact the spirits through the old game Simon, asking yes or no questions and getting green for “Yes” and red for “No.” Of course, they get everything on camera.
Soon enough, things start to get dark. Jessie has uncontrollable rage and it becomes more apparent that he is possessed by some sort of demon. With a little help from some random white girl and a Mexican gang, Hector has to help Jessie return from the witchcraft that has been done on him.
You read correctly folks; I did say a Mexican gang. There was even time travel. Yes, this is where this story has gone. What’s next? Space? Have we stepped into Jason X territory? Even the Leprechaun hit the solar system and, trust me, it wasn’t pretty.
Paranormal Activity should have stood on its own. The fact that sequels to it even exist just goes to show you how much more important money is to Hollywood than quality. They cannot just leave well enough alone. Help save horror and don’t contribute a cent to these movies. Don’t be a victim to their thievery. Damn the man. Save the Empire.
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