Real Men Talk Reality TV: Long Island Medium, “On the Road – Vegas, Pt.1′ (Season 5 Premiere)

LK: For our first non-Housewives column, we bring you Long Island Medium! I don’t believe in mediums at all, but that has never stopped me from looking at them with a critical eye. And that’s just what I did for this extremely confusing and painful hour!

BB: I believe in the spirit world, but honestly, I’m having a hard time not having the Family Guy episode where Peter thinks he’s a medium run through my brain throughout.

LK: Don’t get me wrong, I believe in spirits too, but if there’s one thing this show has proven to me, it’s that Theresa Caputo is incredible at guiding conversations. She just works these people with such poise and skill…

BB: It’s that Long Island sense of charm and panache that wins the people over! Let’s dive into the episode.

LK: The best way I can describe this episode is the Surprise Medium Hour. Theresa essentially walked up to random people and talked about their dead loved ones. What a great friend right? Totally not a mood killer but whatever.

BB: I think the first most random encounter would be when she “MEDIUM’D” the very quiet singer who was “recording a video.”

LK: They all clearly knew she was coming though because you don’t just let random people into a music studio unannounced. I love how this show tries to show surprise but it’s clearly not possible considering the source material. It’s all too prepared.

BB: But, it wasn’t as bad as the world’s worst bachelorette party.

LK: That absolutely blew my mind. I understand that Theresa is giving these people comfort after death, which I do support wholeheartedly, but who wants to openly sob on such a happy day?

BB: Great bachelor/bachelorette party — Pop-Break video game editor Logan Fowler gets lost in Atlantic City. Great time! Terrible time — you drop a couple thousand to bring in a woman who’s going to bring up the memories of all the people that the party lost. Womp, womp, woooooomp.

LK: I will say that this gives me a great idea for a new show. It’s called Surprise Medium. Random person appears and tells people about their dead loved ones. In the park? MEDIUM’D. At work? MEDIUM’D. Using the restroom? MEDIUM’D PLUS POO. “Ah! Why are you in my shower?!” “Your grandma says she loves you.” Instant hit, I’m telling you.

BB: I’m sensing something Luke. There’s a presence in the room. And it’s called a brilliant idea. That show would make us millions.

LK: I can feel this idea all over my body. Like a spirit that just ran through me.

BB: That one, I think made me feel the most awkward. It was a lot of very, very vague questions and that poor woman jumped all over them.

LK: That’s what absolutely blows my mind about this. Theresa asks vague questions about how people died, and then everyone else just eats it up. It’s amazing. Also, did you notice how every dead person had only nice things to say? I want to see an angry spirit.

BB: If all spirits are nice, Hollywood’s horror industry is going to go out of business.

LK: “I’m speaking to your father now. He said…oh my…well that’s graphic. I think I shouldn’t tell you that.” Now that’s what I’m looking for.

BB: Luckily, we came out of that sad story and we got the “what’s my accent” gondolier at The Venetian. His accent changed more times than Kevin Costner’s in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

LK: Theresa is incredibly lucky that guy went through with the reading. Then again, if you’re on this show, you definitely didn’t say, “Listen lady I’m just trying to do my job. I don’t need this. Please take your hair and nails elsewhere.”

BB: I think my favorite part of the show had to be any time they cut to Theresa’s son. He was so honest and #REALTALK. I also enjoyed his perfectly coiffed hair.

LK: Unlike Theresa’s hair, which looks like a shag carpet, his hair was the epitome of coif. It was glorious. Magical even. It made me believe in the power of hair product. Don’t need to talk to the dead to have that flow.

BB: What’s crazy is that the formula of this show is literally her random ‘medium-ing” people and the adventures of her kooky family. I can’t believe it has been on for five seasons.

LK: Except her family was basically background noise. Her husband was barely there and her kids had about two lines. Not exactly the most fleshed out people on TV.

BB: So, there it is. Long Island Medium. It’s The Jersey Shore meets Ghost Hunters. Hints and suggestions of spirits with whole lot of hair, and references to being Italian and loud noises.

LK: I’m baffled that this show is a full hour. There absolutely didn’t need to be that much time to repeat the same conversations. It was basically wash, rinse, repeat.

BB: Go Medium. If only the Long Island Medium was Carter Pewterschmidt.

LK: Now that’s a show that I’d watch!

Long Island Medium airs every Sunday night at 9pm on TLC.

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