Real Men Talk Reality TV: Jersey Belle, Series Premiere

BB: Knock, knock.

LK: Who’s there?

BB: I’M FROM NEW JERSEY BIIIIIIIIIIITCHES.

BB: And that’s basically the premise of Bravo’s new reality series, Jersey Belle, starring publicist and marketing guru Jamie Primak Sullivan. Being this show is about Jersey and we’re in Jersey, we decided to check it out.

LK: So this woman, the “Jersey Belle,” hasn’t lived in New Jersey since 2006 (according to her official bio on Bravo’s site). She’s 37, which means she moved to Birmingham when she was about 29. How can you be a fish out of water if you’ve been there for eight years? That’s my question and my absolute biggest issue. ANSWER ME JAIME PRIMAK SULLIVAN.

BB: And let’s not portray her as this “Jersey” tough Sopranos/Real Housewives of NJ-esque woman. She’s from Freehold. The epicenter of suburbia.

LK: Her actions are clearly forced which begs even more questions. Is she putting on airs for the sake of having this television show, or is she really so ignorant that she hasn’t adapted to the regional culture after nearly a decade? Why do these other women want to spend time with her?

BB: I wouldn’t say she’s a terrible person, I question a lot of her choices, particularly the 90s Fly Girl from In Living Color hoops earrings. Now those Southern belles she associates with, holy silver spoon in the mouth Batman, they’re the worst.

LK: They are a regular cornucopia of “whaaaaaaaaat.” You have Arden who has the facial movement of talking tree, another woman who is obsessed with monogramming her stuff with her divorced husband’s name, and the “real Southern belle” who tragically can’t have children. Did someone throw darts at a board of ideas to create this show?

BB: I’m wondering if someone injected her face with grits instead of botox. Because her face just never moved.

LK: I believe the malleable object you’re looking for is “cement.”

BB: Mmmm…I think it’s grits.

LK: Either way, Arden just looked straight bored from start to finish.

BB: So bored she’s on her third marriage…but I think before we dive into the trainwreck part of that episode, we have to look at just how “Jersey” our “Jersey Belle” really is, because by the power of Bruce Springsteen, I wanted rip my eyes out half way through this episode.

LK: When I realized only 20 minutes had passed and I wanted to dip my face in hot tar, I knew this show was a winner. Jaime did her absolute best to present herself as the epitome of Jersey, like she’s our cultural ambassador or something, and it came off as so fabricated. She created an accent once when she said “bawlls” and she was completely and utterly profane, dropping various sexual phrases everywhere she goes.

BB: I’d like to reiterate to our non-Jersey readers that she is originally from around the Jersey Shore region in a town called Freehold. It’s where Bruce Springsteen is from. Have you heard Bruce talk? Yes, Bruce “talks,” he doesn’t “tawk.” Her whole RHONJ persona is a complete put-on act.

LK: Freehold is an incredibly nice area too. There is no way she needs to act all “rough and tough” like she clearly wants. Jaime probably got everything she wanted as a child and then some. And she loves to play up the fact that she’s Italian. Can someone inform me of when being Italian was a requirement for “being from New Jersey”? I’m not Italian at all. Does that mean I’m not really Jersey raised? Is my entire life a lie?

BB: Ugh, let’s get her out of our system and let’s look at her gals, the Southern Belles of Jersey Belle.

LK: Surely there must be a requirement in this show to have marital issues. Two of the women have failed marriages and the third can’t have children which, according to the previews, will be a season long arc of donating eggs. So much attention was paid to these other characters, it’s not really about the “Jersey Belle.” This is Real Housewives in disguise.

BB: But remember, we also get Wayne Brady and Chris Klein cameos. I think they both would be better Southern belles than these chicks. Especially the serial monogrammer!

LK: That monogrammer terrified me. Not only is monogramming just weird, but she keeps monogramming her divorced husband’s initials. Clearly she’s not over him and yet she left him. I’m legitimately surprised there wasn’t a part with this woman sitting in a corner and just talking to her pillows.

BB: BTW…Wayne Brady > Monogramming.

LK: Wayne Brady is a treasure and deserves to be cherished. If this show turned into “The Wayne Brady Hour,” it’d be infinitely better.

BB: True story. Wayne Brady is a national treasure. #NoLie. Sadly, the serial monogrammer was actually the nicest of all these ladies. The only other one who had any redeeming value was the woman with two dogs. Because, you know, DOG SHOT. (We actually love when shows take a random moment to focus on a reality star’s pet. Hence, why we call it “dog shot.”)

LK: Oh man, those dogs were the best. When they did that montage of dog pictures, I forgot that I was watching a terrible, terrible show. It was a nice reprieve before the “Jersey Belle” broke my brain.

BB: Maybe someone can explain this to me — how does the South not know or appreciate what lasagna or cannolis are? I think the Food Network goes below the Mason Dixon.

LK: How has Jaime never mentioned those foods to them? In this episode alone she mentioned cannolis twice. Again, as if eating cannolis makes you Italian. Don’t you just love it when an entire culture is broken down to a single food? It’s like eating a burrito and believing you’re truly a part of Mexico.

BB: If New Jersey’s post Sandy motto was “Jersey Strong,” this new series is definitely “Jersey Wrong.” It was basically like being submitted to an electric saw being run across your head. I have a Youtube clip to back me up on this example. This show actually makes me miss Jersey Shore.

LK: I honestly cannot find anything redeeming about this program. It was legitimately painful to watch and it should be cancelled as soon as possible. If someone told me to watch this again, Mr. Michael Scott has my eternal answer.