BB: Luke, we are cordially invited to celebrate “the wedding event of the last week of October” – the union of Jill Duggar and Derick Dillard on TLC’s 19 Kids & Counting. It’s an event that has seemingly been coming for six months, and the episode felt like it took that long to finally end. Luke, you’ve wiped your tears away – how was the wedding for you?
LK: Bill, I love weddings. I’ve been to several already and they were all very exciting affairs. But watching this two-hour slog made me realize something: weddings are boring as shit if you’re not actually at them. Why? Why the hell is this a major event that people actually look forward to watching?
BB: You mean you didn’t find any helpful hints and tips for your impending nuptials?
LK: I did actually. Don’t invite 1,000 people, invest in a freezer, actually just don’t get ice cream, and most definitely don’t have my future father-in-law stare at me like a ravenous hyena desperate for some meat when I go to kiss my new wife.
BB:That’s the crazy thing about this wedding episode. They really put the emphasis on “King of LEGO Hair” Jim Bob Duggar and his struggle to “give his daughter away.” Now, having been married four years now and having seen every single wedding show known to man – they all tend to focus on the bride. Rarely does the father get any screen time. In this series, it was like Jim Bob was the belle of the ball and it truly was all about him. Frankly, the man acted like a giant, weepy, possessive bitch the entire episode. I’m glad my father-in-law was like, “I don’t even want you to ask my permission, just propose when you want.”
LK: It was actually extremely bizarre. I think they wanted to play this up to a high level because she’s the first daughter to get married. I’ll admit, that’s a huge deal. This is a special time for the entire family. But under no circumstances should the freaking father stalk his daughter every two seconds and, I kid you not, ask to not actually give her away. I know that was a joke but look into his eyes. He did not want this.
BB: Speaking of wanting it…this episode reminded me of that Patton Oswalt routine where he was describing Jennifer Aniston movies – ‘Jennifer Aniston and this guy are trying to fuck. Will they fuck? Maybe?” Sex was the not just the underlying theme of this episode. It was the blatant, slap you in the face with it and bash you over the head with it theme of the episode.
LK: Oh that was painful to experience. Jill and Derick, bless their hearts, clearly wanted to take a trip down to bone town. The sexual tension wasn’t just palpable. It definitely personified itself and waited on the fringes. It had become a living entity.
BB: It was hilarious how much they wanted to say, “We want to have sex.” Every time they talked about what they were waiting for most about the wedding it was this painfully awkward response of “I can’t wait…to be married…” Translation: “All we’ve done is ‘side hug’ for the past year (or whatever), I am about to explode. I need to have sex in the next 24 hours or I swear to everything holy I will gun everyone down.”
Granted, that’s a loose interpretation.
LK: Any of the Duggars who are not tiny children clearly know the basic purpose of sex too: to make babies. At one point, they actually called sex “progress.” As in, they’ll make progress and will have more children.
BB: Uhhh…don’t be so sure about that. Every single one of those little children of the corn kept saying, “We can’t wait for nieces and nephews.” They have had the mantra of “have babies” drilled into their skulls by Jim Bob and Michelle’s Baby-Factory-A-Go-Go.
LK: “Baby-Factory-A-Go-Go” is actually the hit single from their new family band, The Duggar 19. It’s like the Jackson 5 except unbelievably white.
BB: Let’s talk about our groom, Derick Dillard. (Oh, why the hell do we have to call him by his full name at all times? Jesus Christ.) That man must have the bluest balls in the history of blue balls. I mean I think Jim Bob attached a shock collar to those gonads just in case they thought about getting close to ol’ Jilly Muffin.
LK: The day him and Jill were finally able to “be together” was probably the equivalent of Mt. St. Helens erupting. At least, I’m sure it felt like that for both of them.
BB: I think the worst thing for him might’ve been having to wait until Jim Bob gave him the “blessing” to kiss the bride. I swear to God I would’ve clocked that guy. Not because of the control thing, but it’s also the creep factor. “Yeah, I’m gonna allow you to make out with my daughter.” #thatsnotinthebible
LK: I think the worst thing for us was having to sit through this two hour wedding party. They clearly created certain situations for the purpose of actually filling that time. Did we need Jim Bob to repeatedly mention that his wedding was there too? Or how everyone wants babies? Or how they can’t wait for Derick and Jill to get together? NO.
BB: Well, lucky for us, Jim Bob decreed not every wedding will be like this — so hey maybe we won’t have another special when Jessa and her moron of a fiancee tie the knot. Wait — who am I kidding, this reality television — of course that shit’s going to be on TLC!
LK: Jessa’s wedding will basically be a major motion picture at this pace. It’ll be The Lord of the Rings of weddings.
BB: More like Lord of the Blue Balls. HIIIII OOOOOOOHHH!!!!!
LK: ZING!
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