I realized what was missing from last night. When Sting came out, we should have played a sound clip of Tony Schivonne shouting “It’s Sting! It’s Sting! Sting… Is here.”
The Authority begin RAW a sobbing mess, which is cut off immediately by Daniel Bryan. He announces he is in charge of RAW tonight. After taking shots at the remainder of the Authority, Mark Henry is forced to compete first against Ryback, while the WWE Universe picks Seth Rollins’ teammates for a three-on-two handicap match against John Cena and Dolph Ziggler. One of the choices is for Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury. You know, these guys were wrestlers once upon a time.
Ryback then defeats Henry quite handedly. Backstage, Vince McMahon verbally demolishes Triple H and Stephanie, yet they all leave in a limo together.
As announced earlier by Daniel Bryan, the crazy boy Dean Ambrose has a shot at the Intercontinental Championship against the equally unstable Luke Harper. The loony bin residents beat the hell out of each other, until Harper intentionally gets himself DQ’d. For that, Ambrose plants him with Dirty Deeds on top of a chair. Bray Wyatt enters the fray and piles a bunch of tables and chairs on top of Ambrose, revenge for Survivor Series.
I ignore the appearance of Santino and Larry the Cable Guy in a Rey Mysterio mask. Up next, Miz and Mizdow defend their new Tag Team Championships against the former champs, The Dusts. Solid back and forth match, this time with the reverse from last night to conclude the match, where Mizdow competed most of the match, but the Miz tagged in at the end to gain the winning pinfall. These guys are fun to watch, and even with the titles, Damien Sandow is a better Miz than the Miz.
Lots of backstage segments with Concession Stand Kane. Very funny.
Back in the ring, Rusev must choose to either defend the United States Championship in a battle-royal, or say the Pledge of Allegiance. Sgt. Slaughter is brought out to do the honors. Funny moment, showing how uncomfortable Rusev is with doing it, and Lana squirming is funny to watch. Lana starts to say it, but Rusev puts a stop. Before he can maul the elder Sarge, Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger make the save. Perhaps Swagger gets another shot at redemption? Would like to see Swagger and Rusev feud some more, their first go was very well done, I think another one would be entertaining.
Backstage: Kane tells Larry the Cable Guy how much of a fan he is, and winds up dousing Santino in mustard. Ew. In the ring, an equally bland segment sees Fandango with a repeat victory over Justin Gabriel.
In the ring Big Show apologizes to the fans, saying he did what he thought was the best business decision, but ultimately regrets it. Erick Rowan comes out to challenge Show, and calls the giant a “bully.” Still on the fence about Rowan. He might be over with the crowd, but so was Santino at one time.
AJ Lee calls Brie a skank, and informs the twins that talent is not a sexually transmitted disease. Ouch. She loses to Brie after Nikki helps. Yawn.
Tyson Kidd and Natalya defeated Adam Rose and The Bunny in what Michael Cole calls an “interspecies tag match.” Can someone call New Jack? Please? This has gone beyond horrible. I refuse to acknowledge any more of this stupidity.
The New Day is coming, this latest promo package featuring Xavier Woods, Kofi Kingston, and Big E. Langston all jiving to church music. This stable is all full of fail, unless they pull a swerve and go all Nation of Domination. It’ll still fail.
Ryback is hungry, and Kane hightails it. Ryback calls out “You forgot your nuts, stupid!” Way to be 5th grade there Big Guy.
Well, duh, J&J Security win the vote, and are paired with Seth Rollins. No one cared about the other choices. Surprisingly, the evil trio manage to dominate over Dolph Ziggler, the guy who single handedly owned the main event of Survivor Series, but of course has to share the spotlight with the Hogan-colored John Cena. He wears the red and yellow. Hogan colors. Do the match. Noble and Mercury compete in suits, because of course they should. Suddenly Cena and Ziggler hit dual finishers on the stooges, double pin, and win the match. Seth Rollins is sad, then confused as Daniel Bryan chucks him back into the ring to eat a Sweet-Chin-Music-like superkick from Ziggler into an Attitude Adjustment. Suddenly, a familiar ring tone sounds, and the “Anonymous RAW General Manager” is back, allowing Michael Cole to do the “…and I quote” line. Cole announces “order and discipline will return to RAW” except the sound goes glitchy and the show goes off the air with everyone looking confused.
Except didn’t we establish Hornswoggle was the “anonymous RAW G.M.” some time ago? Oh, memory, how we take it for granted.
In any case, a sluggish RAW to follow such an outstanding Pay-per-view.