Monday Night RAW is Brock Lesnar
I know I wanted to go to bed earlier tonight, but this is ridiculous. Even Chris Jericho couldn’t save this mediocre RAW. All night Sting is referred to as a “vigilante.” Great, now he’s Batman? We also saw a short promo hyping up The Ascension. FINALLY!!!
We kick off with said guest GM, who is interrupted by Paul Heyman and the two share some witty banter, until interrupted by Seth Rollins who is of course interrupted by John Cena. Should have left it with Heyman and Jericho because they got an E-C-Dub chant from the crowd. Sigh, main event is Cena and Rollins in a Steel Cage, and Jericho vs. Heyman in a fans choice match… between an Extreme Rules, No Holds Barred, Street Fight. Yeah… even Jerry Lawler flubs and says it’s all the same.
One would have thought a tag match with Dolph Ziggler and Erick Rowan up against Luke Harper and Big Show might have been decent, but it was anything but. Obviously Ziggler and Harper needed some rest from last night, but geez, Show and Rowan really phoned it in. Match ended with Harper and Ziggler going over the announce table while Show KO’d Rowan. Blech.
Backstage Jericho promises to dance on Fandango’s face if he doesn’t give back his Slammy Award.
Insanity. Natalya and Alicia Fox get a win over the Bella Twins. Insanity.
We get The Highlight Reel hosted by Chris Jericho, and his guests are Lana and Rusev. We get some fourth wall breaking with Jericho insinuating Rusev and Lana have “a thing” going on, constantly asking Lana if she wants to see Rusev’s “cosmonauts” or his “kremlin” and assorted Russian references. Funny stuff, which turns sour as Ryback enters to face off with Rusev, but the United States Champ runs off with the Communist Tramp (thanks Y2J!). Vince must have been giggling to see Ryback and Rusev staredown.
Tonight the announce team must all be drunk or something as even they can’t seem to take tonight seriously. I can’t take a rematch between The New Day and The Dusts seriously, and neither can I. Kofi Kingston is way too happy. The Dusts job for the second night in a row. Crowd chanted for anyone not involved in this match.
Aw crap. Kane faces off with Adam Rose. Kane completely owns the bout, ending this debacle with a double-chokeslam when The Bunny interferes. JBL loses his shit (in a good way) when Kane returns to the ring and Tombstones the Bunny, sending him to the pet cemetery (thanks Cole!). JBL has never been happier.
Paul Heyman says he certainly does not put the “Jew in Jiu Jitsu” but he knows when to cut his losses and run. Jericho opts to go with the fans vote, and it’s a Street Fight. Heyman then informs Jericho he must be crazy to have booked this, a match with no rules since BROCK LESNAR is here! Talk about lazy or ill-prepared. Lesnar isn’t even wearing the WWE Championship, but a shirt which says “WWE World Heavyweight Champion” and has Brock’s own custom logo on it. Jericho fails to hit the Codebreaker, and eats an F-5 for it.
Well, that went nowhere. Crowd chants for Cena, but we all know Cena won’t be rushing out, because he doesn’t help anyone but himself. Totally not a heel thing to do. Yawn. I’m really getting sleepy here. How the hell am I going to stay up for another hour?
Fandango and Rosa dance. Shoot me. Talking happens, and Roman Reigns arrives to spear him. Before he can herp and derp some more, the Big Show arrives. Reigns threatens him and Show eats a Superman Punch. Weird. Show kept calling him “pretty boy.” That just doesn’t seem right.
Miz has a match with Jimmy Uso, but no one cares. All eyes are on Damien Sandow, as the crowd keeps chanting “Mizdow’s Awesome” and gets huge applause every time he mimics Miz. Some dissention as Miz shoves his stunt-double during the match. Jimmy gets the win with the Superfly Splash, after his brother Jey struck with the Slammy when the ref wasn’t looking. Mizdow took some great bumps.
Thank you Damien Sandow for keeping me awake a little longer.
Backstage, Miz continues his antics with Naomi and a promo runs for Hulk Hogan appearing on RAW next week.
Finally, the main event. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzz…. I’m up! Seth Rollins did all the work, taking the big bumps and flying around the cage. Mostly running around, trying to escape, couple big moves, mostly boreworthy. Really do not understand how live crowds still chant for Cena. Damn kids. Way too much interference from J&J Security. Typical spots, Noble slamming cage door on Cena’s head, the tug of war between J&J and Cena with Rollins as he tries to escape. Cena is superman tonight as Rollins hits him with everything, including the MITB briefcase. Rollins eats an Attitude Adjustment off the top rope. Suddenly, Brock Lesnar comes out, with the WWE Championship in hand. Brock hits three rolling German Suplexes on Cena, and in a shock Heyman extends his hand to Rollins, who accepts it. Rollins spikes Cena with the Curb Stomp, walks out the cage, winning the match.
Thank Primus it’s over. I guess this makes Seth Rollins a Paul Heyman Guy now?
I don’t care. I’m going to bed.
