BB: We’re baaaaaaack bitches! Wow, you can tell I’ve watched too much reality TV in my life. But yes, we’re back for Real Men in 2015. I guess this is Season 2? This week, we’re heading to the West Coast and entering the wild world of Little Women: LA Luke, to me, this is one hell of a way to begin Real Men in 2015.
LK: I couldn’t agree with you more Bill. The last column we did was on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, a good ol’ bag of crazy that left us both exhausted. Now we’re in sunny LA for what is essentially Real Housewives but minus the housewives and with little people. Wouldn’t you know it, it’s still just as exhausting to watch! Someone call the scientists, I think we have a breakthrough here.
BB: Man, I was really hoping for a Louisa May Alcott joke or even a Winona Ryder quip.
LK: Hate to disappoint you Bill, I really do.
BB: It’s okay man because we’ve got some drama of literary, cinematic and epic proportions. We start off with a backyard BBQ turned backyard brawl that involves our two head little women — Terra and Christy. Man, these two are like two passive aggressive pitbulls shooting icy little daggers at each other through their “honesty.” We also got a quick introduction to one of my favorite reality TV people ever, Tonya. But more on her later. Luke, what was your take on Backyard BBQ Brawl 2K15?
LK: It was all very confusing for me. Terra, who came off as a pretty awful person, quickly became the emotional core because she is pregnant. Christy, who was the victim and naturally who we should care out, starting becoming pretty annoying on her end. I just didn’t know whose side to choose!
BB: Terra did no favors for herself early on, especially when she put on her Frida Kahlo headpiece and coldly “comforted” her friend who lost her baby.
LK: Terra clearly knows a lot about many things, but fashion definitely isn’t one of them. What the hell was she wearing throughout the episode? It looked like she first visited a thrift shop for that headpiece and then skipped over to some sex store to get that leather number she wore later. I can’t even imagine what her wardrobe looks like. It must be as confusing as Narnia.
BB: The skipping absolutely killed me. Every. Single. Time. Then there was her husband who reminded me a of a heroin thin Emilio Estevez if he were a little person. I thought they were a pretty decent couple. Of course none of that absolves for her odd skipping. Nothing will ever absolve it.
Speaking of fashion, we’ve got a budding fashionista on this show in Elena.
LK: First off, let me address how opposite Elena is to her husband. On one side, you have Elena, who is actually taller than her friends but still a little person. She is white and blonde. Her husband however is a tall African-American man who is easily double her height. Biologically speaking, you absolutely cannot find two different people. The fact that they’re married is just so perfect to me because if those two can make it work, anyone can.
Now let’s address the clothing line. I personally like the idea. It totally works from a business perspective. Stores already cater to really tall or obese people. Why not little people? Elena can strike gold with this.
BB: You know who else struck gold? Briana. Yes, our lovestruck “little woman” has struck gold with Jason, a man whom she met online and is currently in love with. Yes, this soul patch-wearing lothario has a record, kids and absolutely terrible tattoos. Brianna has won at life.
LK: Oh and it’s definitely love too because they’ve known each other for only a few weeks. How romantic! Eventually Briana will have to open her eyes and concede that her new man is actually Douche McGee.
BB: Briana also committed the crime of using the words “little” and “wee” to describe a lot of things. It was like she was going out of her way to make those jokes. However, I can forgive that because she brought us to the greatest scene in reality TV history: the open mic night. Seriously, this is up there with the Terry Dubrow “penis” comment.
LK: I admire Brianna a lot for what she did. Sure, her song was awful, but she wrote that for her man, who is also awful, so it’s actually really sweet.
I cannot say the same for Terra’s performance. What in absolute hell was that.
BB: That was one of the weirdest things, yet most glorious things I’ve ever seen in my life. It was a little person wearing a gold spiked bra, crazy Dolly Parton-esque hair extensions and a pleather body suit, twerking, rapping and gyrating.
Yo…that shit was WEIRD.
LK: It was equal parts arousing and confusing. I’m going to be straight honest here, I’ve never seen a little person do that. I actually don’t even know any little people. So watching it was a whole new experience for me and now I just feel violated. I didn’t ask for any of this Terra. Why are you dancing on my television?
BB: My favorite thing about this scene? Team Tonya. In this scene we saw Tonya burst out of her shell and into this hilariously sassy persona. I want her to be my best friend.
Then of course was the inevitable, passive aggressive brawl between Team Terra and Brianna/Christy or Team Brianty, if you will.
LK: I’m on Team Tonya honestly. She was absent this entire episode and I never even got a chance to learn her name until the end. Yet she quickly became my favorite. Her reactions to every scene were perfect, and as she was standing behind Terra during that fight confused to her allegiance, she had the best attitudinal facial expression I have ever seen.
BB: And next we week we get Tonya boxing AND a brawl. I kinda wanna watch. #TeamTonya
LK: #TeamTonya indeed!
Little Women: LA airs Wednesdays on Lifetime