HomeMusicSatan Loves A Hook #10: The Worst Song

Satan Loves A Hook #10: The Worst Song


I’m Greg Kennelty, senior news writer for MetalInjection.net, and I hate Britney Spears’ new song “Pretty Girls” so much that I figured I’d just tackle this one for the week because I couldn’t get past how terrible it is.

There’s this one scene in Get Him To The Greek where employees of the record company get called into P. Diddy’s character’s office. He plays them a bunch of obviously fake songs that he thinks are going to be huge or are currently huge and they’re meant to be absolutely horrendous. This might as well have been one of those songs.

The lyrics to this song are so unbearable stupid that I imagine Britney Spears was either coerced into singing them with wads of cash, or she was just super desperate to be relevant again now that she’s got some Vegas shows coming up. While the chorus actively makes me want to punch my radio into another dimension where radios are hunted and eaten, the first verse is where things go… more south. Let’s start there.

Hey, don’t you know that it’s always the same?
From Australia ’round to LA
You can betcha’, wherever the girls go, boys follow
We be keeping them up on their toes
They can laugh, but they don’t get the jokes
Just you watch, they’re so predictable
(Some things don’t change…)

How are you keeping people on their toes with looks? Keeping me on my toes is keeping me interested and engaged because I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. Unless you’re about to suddenly become a horrendous goblin who tries to eat my small intestine right before my eyes and the second you do I have to run for it, I’m not being kept on my toes. You’re not that interesting. You’re just hot, and there’s a lot of hot women out there.

With thoughts like that running through Spears‘ head, I doubt she’s telling jokes I’m not going to get. Verse two- let’s do this!

Tell me, is it true that these men are from Mars?
Is that why they be acting bizarre?
Every time I walk out of my house it’s like, “Hey, baby!”
They don’t see me rolling my eyes
They buzzing around me like flies
They got one thing on their minds 
(Some things don’t change…)

Bizarre? The first verse she’s talking about guys following her around and how it’s the same around the whole world, and now she’s talking about how it’s so weird they’re following her all around the world. “Follow me! Also please fuck off.”

The superiority complex in this song is unreal too, even if it’s not true to whatever extent it’s not true. I guess if Spears’ is rolling her eyes then that means she’s super not interested, yet also incapable of rationally explaining that to you. Words are for suckers! I like to imagine her staring at dudes and just rolling her eyes and pointing at her face, but never saying anything. Just standing there, rolling her eyes and waiting for people to somehow put together that she’s not interested.

Chorus time!

All around the world, pretty girls
Wipe the floor with all the boys
Pour the drinks, bring the noise
We’re just so pretty!
All around the world, pretty girls
Jump the line, to the front
Do what we like, get what we want
We’re just so pretty!

I think this song should be called “Unbearably Self-Indulgent Bitch,” because that’s what I’m getting out of this chorus. You’re just cutting lines and think you’re the center of attention everywhere, and when you’re not you “pour the drinks and bring the noise” until you are? That sounds a little more like a self-confidence problem more than anything else.

Again, as a member of the male sex, I too am a fan of pretty girls. I am also a fan of women who aren’t insufferable airheads. I’m not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but the entitlement complex is a bit of a bitch sometimes.

Iggy Azalea‘s verse adds nothing of worth. Let me summarize what you’re about to read if haven’t gotten the gist of things yet- “I am hot. I feel important because I happened to end up hot.” Ready?

If you ask me, I’m killing them softly
I would spend time with you but that’d cost me
They pray that Iggy-Iggy give ’em one more chance
But busy Iggy wouldn’t even give ’em one more glance
See, enter in line between the beauty and a beast
Slim waist, thick cake, the whole world want a piece
Bad girl, good (ooh) would make you lose your mind
All of the boys begging Britney, hit ’em one more time

I fucking hate this song so much that I just dedicated around 550 or 600 words to how badly the lyrics are written. The music is a whole different thing. The background instrumentation basically makes no sense and is akin to a God-awful rap beat, it sounds like whoever programmed Britney’s voice in the song knows about two notes and then just figured they could do whatever for the rest of what I imagine were supposed to be melodies and the chorus is just a mish-mosh of terrible bullshit including all the aforementioned.

Seriously, was there even an attempt for the chorus? Or did they just decide to add another keyboard patch and say “fuck it” to the whole thing?

This song. This song is the epitome of bad and the worst part is that Spears is going to make millions off of it because it’s still a pop song and it’s going to be played in clubs. In the end, I still lose for hating this because Spears will always win in a situation like this… but I stand by everything I said.

This song is pure bullshit and I guarantee anyone with an I.Q. above 0 could wrote something better or more listenable.


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